KABANATA LXVIII: Mend our hearts.
Halos lumipad ang sasakyan ni Ken dahil tawag na natanggap ko. Para akong nauupos na kandila sa bawat segundong tinatagal ng byahe namin. Mariin akong nakapikit at nagdadasal na sana'y walang masamang nangyare sa kahit sino sa mga anak ko. Like what I said, I will die right there and then if something bad happens to them.
Hindi ko na nahintay na pagbuksan ako ng pinto ni Ken. The moment he pulled over the hospital car park I made sure I'll reach my sons as soon as possible. I couldn't feel y limbs and as if I lost all the feeling in this world. I was biting my lower lip for quite some time and I could almost taste my own blood, but I don't really mind. No amount of blood can make me forget the horror in Yaya's voice when she told me my children are in the hospital.
I was about to ran off again when a sharp tugged on my arms stopped me. It was Ken—catching his breath.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me. You're pregnant, damn it! Don't run!" hasik niya. Napatda ako sa tinuran niya. Nawala sa loob ko ang kondisyon ko. Mabilis na dumapo ang libre kong kamay sa aking tiyan.
Umiling-iling si Ken at nagpatianod ako sa hawak niya. He inquired about our twin's whereabouts and it lead us to the hospital's emergency room. Doon naming naabutan si Yaya na mugto ang mga matang naghihintay sa labas ng isang silid. Agad naman niyang naramdaman ang presensya namin kaya't nahuli ko ang pangamba sa kaniyang mga mata.
With that, I knew something is wrong with them.
Napakabilis ng mga pangyayari. Few moments ago, Ken and I were in a heated argument and now we're side by side in the hospital hallways—equally nervous of what lies ahead. Sa isang iglap nawala ang hidwaan sa pagitan namin. Sa isang iglap nabalewala ko ang lahat ng mga nangyare nung nakaraan. Sa isang iglap Ken and I share the same feeling—fear of losing our children.
Naiiyak ako sa posibilidad na may mangyareng masama sakanila. They are my precious ones and I would die if something bad happens to them.
"It's my fault." I whispered through the air. Kung sana ay mas inuna ko sila kaysa sa kagustuhan kong harapin ang kanilang ama. Kasalanan ko dahil bilang ina ay bigo akong pangalagaan ang kaligtasan nila.
It's my damn fault.
It's all my fault.
Pakiramdam ko ay nangangapal ang buo kong katawan. Namamanhid ang mga kamay ko sa sobrang higpit ng aking hawak. I can hear the loud beating of my heart and the shrieks and whims of the people around me.
I slightly groaned when a sudden burst of pain strikes my head. Panandalian akong nahilo at napasandal sa kinauupuan ko. Bigla kong naalala na buntis ako. That I have another child on the way.
Naramdaman ko ang pagbaling ni Ken sa kinaroroonan ko. He's been trying to comfort me for the past 30 minutes or so but I vowed not to let him touch me. Kahit alam kong kailangan ko nang makakapitan sa mga oras na 'to. He certainly fits the pillar that I need. He's my epitome of strength. But I'm afraid he'll hurt me more the moment his hand touches my skin.
My fists were both tightly clenched as I tremble in fear and worry.
"They'll be fine. You have to relax." He cajoled and assured me at the same time. I shook my head and let another batch of tears to fall. Hindi maawat ang bawat patak na bumubukal sa mga mata ko. Doble ang kabang nararamdaman ko sa mga oras na 'to.
"Anong klaseng ina ko? Bakit nagging pabaya ako? It's my damn fault! It was all my fault." I was clouded with thoughts of losing my twins. I can't afford that. Ikamamatay ko.
I felt his hands on my cheeks trying to wipe every tears that I let out. Hindi na ko nakahuma sa ginawa niya at tuluyang napayakap sa kaniyang katawan. Niyakap ko siya nang mahigpit. I hate Ken, but right now more than anyone else, he shares the same fears with me. We both fear the welfare of our kids.
I cried relentlessly. Hinagod niya nang paulit-ulit ang aking likod. He mumbled soothing comments about how brave our twins are. Sa sandaling 'yun ay nawala ang lahat ng issues namin sa isa't-isa. Sa mga oras na 'yun isang bagay lang ang inaalala namin—ang kaligtasan ng kambal.
"Princess" a voice came out of nowhere. I looked up and saw my brother's worried face side by side with his wife. I stared at him before weeping once again. Ken released me from the hug and it was my brother's comforting warmth that enveloped me.
Kung kanina ay humahagulgol na ako sa pag-iyak, ngayo'y palahaw na ang inilalabas kong luha. Ngayon lang ulit ako umiyak nang ganito. Hindi na ko magkamayaw sa pagpigil ng mga ito. At tulad ni Ken ay walang nagawa si Kuya kundi ang yakapin at patahanin lang ako.
"How are the kids?" narinig kong tanong ni Angel kay Ken. Hindi ko kayang idetalye ang mga sinabi ng doctor dahil pakiramdam ko ay malalagutan ako ng hininga sa katotohanang nasa panganib silang dalawa.
"The doctor said its Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever but I'm fckin clueless what that fckin disease may do to my children." Frustrated na sabi ni Ken.
Naupo si Angel sa tabi niya at nakita kung paano niya pinakalma ang kapatid. I looked up at my brother then shifted back to Angel. Maswerte kaming may mga kapatid kaming tulad nila na laging nakaalalay saming dalawa.
"We should call Mom and Dad." Suhestyon ni Angel. Nahuli ko ang pakikipag-usap niya kay Kuya sa pamamagitan ng palitan nila nang tinginan. Tumango si Ken. Sa pagtalikod ni Angel ay siyang pagyuko naman ni Ken. Napasabunot siyang muli sa kaniyang buhok.
Nang dumating ang doctor ay pigil hininga akong nakinig sa sinabi niya.
"Calen's rejecting the medication we're giving. His platelets kept on going down and if for the next 24 hours he'll not improve..." she paused and looked at me in the eyes with a sympathetic look.
"I'm afraid we have to be prepared for the worse." And a dagger pierced through my heart as I digest everything she said.
Napaupo ako at nanghihina na napapikit.
"You're a fckin doctor, how dare you say that? My child won't die. He's a fighter!!! No one's going to die. Dmn it!" nakarinig ako nang sunod-sunod na kalabog. Pilit na pinipigilan ni Kuya si Ken sa pagwawala. I can't blame him for acting like that.
Totoo nga ang kasabihan na kapag ang anak mo na ang nasa bingit ng kamatayan ramdam ng isang magulang ang sakit hanggang sa kalamnan. Damang-dama ko ang panganib na kinahaharap ng mga anak ko. And I have to be strong for them.
I stood up and walked past through Ken, Kuya and the doctors and nurses. Sumilip ako sa maliit na bintanang nagsisilbing daan para makita ang dalawa kong anghel sa loob ng isang kwartong punong-puno ng aparato.
"You have to be brave, baby. No one's leaving Mommy, right? You won't leave me and your little sister. You're all that Mommy have." Bulong ko habang mariing nakahawak sa aking nakaumbok na tiyan.
_ _ _ _
On the third day, Caleb was able to get better and was moved out of the intensive care unit. But his brother remains the same. He is still fighting for his damn life. It was so painful to see every cringe and pain he's feeling whenever the doctors and nurses are trying to get him ready for the tests.
He has always been a cry baby and seeing him cry breaks my heart. I just want this to be over. I want my baby boy back.
"Hey you have to eat..." isang malambing ng tinig ang tumawag sa akin.
Nakita ko si Ken na bitbit ang isang plastic bag na tantya ko'y naglalaman ng pagkain. Umiling ako at binalik ang aking mga mata sa viewing window. Nasa loob pa rin ng silid na 'yun si Calen at nakikipaglaban para sakanyang buhay.
"Caleb's looking for you." He said and it caused my head to shot back at his direction in an instant.
"Bakit? May lagnat na naman ba siya?" my voice almost shook in fear.
Sabi ng mga doctor, Caleb's doing fine after his blood transfusion. Mas mabilis umano ang response ng katawan nito sa mga gamot na binigay nila kaya minabuti kong pagtuunan ng pansin ang kambal nitong nasa ICU pa rin.
Umiling siya at hinawakan ang balikat ko. "Calm down. He's actually recovering well. But he needs you, Mandy. He'll feel better if he sees you." Pangungumbinse niya. I sighed and looked at Calen. But I don't want to leave him out of my sight. Natatakot ako na baka sa pag-alis ko ay umalis din siya.
"I'll stay here and watch over Calen. Puntahan mo muna si Caleb at nang makapagpahinga ka." He ordered—just like the old time.
"Calen won't go anywhere. He'll survive this and we'll be able to see him run and smile again."
Aaminin kong hindi pa rin kami maayos ni Ken pero hindi ko maitatanggi na kung wala siya sa tabi ko sa mga nakaraang araw ay malamang sa nakahiga na rin ako sa isa sa mga hospital bed dito.
Pumasok ako sa sili na kinaroroonan ni Caleb. Hindi niya ko agad napansin kaya nang tawagin ko siya ay labis ang tuwa na rumehistro sa kaniyang mukha. "Mommy!!" I smiled and approached his bed.
"How are you feeling, baby?" hinaplos ko ang pinsgi niya at marahang hinalikan ang kaniyang noo.
"I'm super okay, Mom. Sabi ni Dad I should keep drinking my medicines para hindi na ko maging sick ulit. But it tastes awful." Reklamo niya habang tinatakpan ang ilong at masuka-sukang nagkwento sa'kin.
I'm overwhelmed with his recovery. Halos hindi ko siya kinakakitaan ng sintomas na nanggaling siya sa isang malubhang sakit. Aside from his pale skin and loss of weight, wala nang pangitain na nagkasakit siya. I just hope Calen would come out of that room like his brother.
"Mom where's Cal?" biglang tanong niya habang binabalatan ko ang mansanas. Nang dahil dun ay naalala ko ang kakambal niyang nasa ICU pa rin. Ngumiti ako nang pilit at dinala sakanya ang mga nabalatan ko ng prutas.
"H-He's still sick, baby." Mahinang wika ko. He looked at me.
"Pero sabi ni Daddy magaling na siya." Nakangusong pahayag nito.
Inilapag ko sa kalapit na lamesa ang mga prutas at naupo sa paanan ng kama niya. He crawled up to me and enveloped his arms around my neck. Nagsumiksik siya sa leeg ko at hindi kumibo. Pilit ko siyang iniharap sakin pero nagmamatigas siya. Ingat na ingat naman akong tamaan ang IV niya at baka magdugo.
"Caleb, he'll be fine. Kuya will be fine. Don't be sad na." I cajoled him but it's futile.
I caressed his back as I wait for his response. Malapit talaga silang magkapatid. Bukod sa dadalawa lang naman sila, halos araw-araw sila kung maglaro at magharutan kaya't hindi ako nagtatakang ganito ang reaksyon niya.
After some time ay humiwalay na rin siya at nadurog ang puso ko sa luhaan niyang mga mata. "Kuya's alone. He'll be afraid." I was stunned to see his eyes welled up with tears. Caleb rarely shows his vulnerable side. He rarely cries even when he's hurt. But today the happy-go-lucky kid is long gone. He's weeping for his brother and he never called Calen, Kuya—ngayon lang.
I obliged to his wishes. Hiningi ko ang permiso ng mga doctor niya para makalapit siya kay Calen. Buti na lang at pumayag ang mga ito. Sabi pa nga ng doctor ay baka makabuti sa kalagayan ni Calen ang makapiling ang kakambal niya.
Ken and I were side by side as we watch Caleb interact with his brother. Isang tao lang ang pwede sa loob dahil sa mahinang pangangatawan ni Calen pero laking gaan ng kalooban ko nang makita ang mahinang ngiti sa kaniyang. For the past 2 days, ngayon ko lang nakitang ngumiti ang anak ko. It was a good sight to see.
"Mommy and Daddy." I read his lips. Calen looked at our side and I felt my heart leap when he smiled at us.
He looked so damn happy seeing us together again. Then, reality dawned me. His smiles isn't about seeing his twins nor feeling much better. Nakangiti siya samin dahil sa loob ng ilang linggo ay ngayon na lang ulit nabuo ang pamilyang kinagisnan nila. Ang pamilyang kinabibilangan naming apat at ang paparating nilang kapatid.
Ibinuka ko ang aking bibig at binulong sa hangin ang mga katagang I love you. His smile grew bigger.
I sighed. He'll be better. He'll overcome this ordeal.
"He's a fighter. My son is a fighter." I heard Ken uttered with so much pride and joy.
I felt so guilty. Masama ba ang ginawa kong paglalayo sa kanilang mag-aama? Kitang-kita sa mga mata ni Ken ang pangungulila at pagmamahal niya sa dalawang bata. And here I am, being the evil witch in their lives trying to part their ways. Napakagat-labi ako habang iniisip ang mga nagging desisyon ko nitong mga nakaraang araw.
I tried to reason out for every act I did and I find it fairly reasonable. However, the smiles on their lips made me think otherwise. Hindi masaya ang mga anak ko sa naging desisyon ko at bilang isang ina their happiness is my number one priority and my determination to leave is wavering—at least for the meantime.
"Mandy." Mahinang bulong niya. Lumipat sa mukha niya ang aking paningin. I met his perfectly sculpted jaw and those alluring red lips. I missed every bit of his entire being.
Naramdaman ko ang paggapang ng kamay niya sa akin. He intertwined our hands. Tumingala ako sakanya and mentally asked what is he doing.
Ginagap niya ang pagitan ng kamay namin at bago pa ako makahuma ay unti-unti naniyang naiangat patungo sa labi niya at maingat na hinalikan. Nanatili ang kaniyang mga mata sa kabilang panig ng bintana habang ako'y halos hindi na huminga sa ginawa niya.
Napatingin siya sa'kin at nabigla akong makita ang maluha-luha niyang mga mata. He's smiling yet the pain in her eyes speaks differently.
"I-I love you, baby. I really do." he said with sincerity evident in his voice. I kept my mouth shut as I wait for him to speak again. I fought the urge to answer his declaration.
"Give me a chance, Mandy. Kahit hindi mo pa ko mapataawad ngayon, all I need is a second shot at this relationship and I promise you it will all be worth it. Everyone's blaming me and I understand that but please don't give up on me, baby, 'coz I'll be good as dead if you do that." Nanginginig ang mga tuhod ko.
He's asking for a second chance.
He's begging me not to turn my back on him.
He's actually asking for the impossible.
Tinitigan ko ang mga mata ni Ken. His dark gray eyes are pleading for my forgiveness. Batid ko ang ginagawa niyang pagkagat sa labi para pigilan ang panginginig ng mga ito. Mula noon hanggang ngayon ay iba ang dalang epekto kapag lalaki na ang umiiyak sa harap ko. A man looks so tough on the exterior but in reality they're just like us women, soft hearted and capable of crying.
I averted my gaze and released my breath.
"You're a douche bag." I muttered in between my hesitations. Napayuko ako. Mariin kong tinitigan ang nakaumbok kong tiyan. Parang alam ko na kung saan tutungo ang pag-iisip ko na 'to.
"I know." He agreed. "And without you, this fcking douche bag will be nothing." He shuts his eyes and held my hand tighter than usual. He's shaking—terribly bad, and fear is evident in his face. "I'm fcking miserable and empty coz a Montemayor only belongs to a Villanueva—only for you, baby. Sayo lang at wala ng iba."
A part of my heart is telling me not to give in. That I've suffered enough and it will be dumb if I go back in his pain inflicting embrace. But as I debate in my mind my gaze caught up with our two sons looking at us intently. They're both eyeing us with curiosity and I can't help but realize, they're waiting for that one moment that will change our lives.
Inaabangan nila kung magiging maayos na ba ang lahat sa pagitan naming dalawa.
"Fine. Let's give it a try...." I trailed off.
"There's a catch in between that pause, Mandy. What's the catch?" he anticipated.
"You'll give us 6 months to heal in the States and for you to settle everything. Six months Ken and after that we'll see what will happen."
"But.." he shook his head.
"That's in time for my due date. You won't miss my delivery, Ken. I promise." I assured him. I know he wants to be there when I deliver our child. I won't take that away from him. Gusto ko rin naman na andun siya sa kaganapang yun.
Protest registered in his face. He let go of my hand and touched the bridge of his nose. He's suppressing whatever kind of feeling he has. I waited for his response.
"You have to understand that for this relationship to work, we have to settle every burden and issues we have. Ikaw kailangan mong ayusin ang kung anumang meron sainyo nung Ingrid. Isa pa, you have a kid to that woman. Hindi ko kayang maisip na may nasasaktang bata dahil sa relasyon natin. And lastly,...." Humugot ako nang mas malalim na hininga.
"Lastly, I wanted to heal Ken. Kailangan ko yung time na 'yun para sa sarili ko. I need to win this battle over my insecurities before we can get back together. I have to realize my self-worth before being open to loving you again."
I saw how his eyes welled up with tears and averted my gaze.
Everything is crystal clear. I still love him but we're both broken. Pareho kaming hindi buo para magmahal ng lubusan. We have to fix ourselves first.
"Six months?...Fck."
"Y-yes, six months. It will be short but enough to probably mend our hearts."
"Oh God, Mandy" he called me and he next thing I knew he enveloped my whole body in his warm embrace. Mahigpit niya kong niyakap at wala akong nagawa kundi ibalik ang yakap.
He's shaking.
I know he's crying.
I felt his breath fanning my ears as he whisper his answer. "After six months, baby. After six months." his voice was full of despair and pain.
That's the point when I burst into tears and hug him tighter. Oh God! I really love this man. Ako ang humingi nito sakanya pero hindi ko inaakala na masakit pala. This is our reality. Ito ang masakit na katotohanan na para sumaya kami, kailangan naming maghiwalay pansamantala.
We have to do it on our own.
We have to mend our broken hearts alone.
NEXT UD will be the Epilogue.
Thank you for keeping up with my slow updates.
Ciao!