Everything was quiet the morning after. Everything was still. Off. Nothing felt right. I ask myself if I made the right decision or did I let my emotions get the best of me instead of thinking everything through?
I love Evan. And I don't want to lose him because I didn't know how to handle my own emotions.
I force myself out of bed and get ready for another day at the hospital. My room is a mess. That's something I'll have to deal with when I get off. Along with the rest of the house, my mother will be here in two days and I wouldn't want my house looking a disaster when she walks through those front doors. Although I don't always have all the time on my hands being a first year surgical intern and hopefully that'll excuse me from her telling me a lady should always keep her house clean and welcoming if any unexpected guests should show up. Honestly, if someone shows up to my house unexpectedly then they have no right to feel any kind of way since they decided to show up unexpectedly.
I reach for my phone and grab it off my nightstand. My first instinct is to go into my call log and call Evan. Too soon. Maybe I should wait before talking to him.
Stella girl, what are you doing here?
I push the voice away and make my way to my shower. I take one good look at myself in the mirror. I let out a groan once I see the bags underneath my eyes. Not ideal. I turn the faucet on and splash cold water on my face. I hover over the sink momentarily before turning the sink off and slowly start removing my t-shirt and underwear. His t-shirt. I get a whiff of his scent. A hint of vanilla.
The hot water meets my skin, I let my head fall and let all my emotions wash away. I hope they wash away. My mind can't be full of distractions at work.
The traffic to work this morning was hell and did not help at all with my mood. I definitely need to stop by the cafeteria for a latte in order to survive the day. A part of me wishes I can skip out on work but I know damn well that's not an option for an intern.
"Good morning sunshine" Gigi sneaks up behind me. I hand the lady a $5 bill, she hands me my mocha latte.
"Morning" I say. My voice lacking any emotion. Gigi's perfect shaped eyebrows furrow.
"Everything okay? You look out of it"
"I broke it off with Evan" the words come out before I can even stop myself. Gigi has a facial expression I can't read.
"Babe. Tell me it's not because of this whole Savannah situation?"
I try to say it's not but what other reason would I have?
"Oh Stella, I love you and you're my best friend and I'm yours which is why I can never tell you what you want to hear but unseated what you need to hear... you're being unfair. Don't you think?" Her eyes are kind and I know she's only being my best friend.
"It's just"
"It's just nothing, Stel. Yeah I get it, he didn't tell you the truth. And he hurt you but you can't forget that Savannah has slept more times with Tyler than she did with Buck. If it is true, it was only a one night stand."
"But I wouldn't know how to feel if my boyfriend has to raise a child with my least favorite person in the world"
"That's you being selfish. What about Buck? Did you even ask him how he feels?"
I think back to last night before Evan walked out my front door. Not once did I stop to think about how he might be feeling. Am I that terrible of a girlfriend? The guilt starts to seep into my body as I realize how selfish I was being last night. I was too worried about my feelings that I didn't even stop to ask how he felt. About not even knowing if he's going to be a father or not. All he wanted was me to stay with him. By his side. For selfish reasons, I didn't.
"I suck" I breathe out. "I freaking suck. I could punch myself right about now" I shake my head. I need to see him. Gigi is right. I am being selfish and unreasonable. I was too upset and I let it get the best of me.
"Talk to him. I know he loves you and will understand why you felt the way you did. But you have to remember in a relationship it's not just about you" Gigi tilts her head.
"Can you tell I'm not great at relationships?"
"There's always time to get better. And you and I both know there's nothing more that Buck wouldn't give you as long as he's with you. Even I can see that and I'm here to make sure you do too because you're my best friend. I want you to be happy and I don't think it's worth losing him over this where we don't even know if it's his."
Thank god for Gigi. It's like she always knows the right things to say to me. I take one long sip of my latte and nod.
"You're right."
"I always am" she smiles. I roll my eyes but can't help the smile.
"Alright now that I've given you such great advice, let's go find some good cases before anyone else does! Come on!" Gigi speaks up her speed. I try catching up without spilling my latte.
*************************************************
"Do you smell that?" Mazzey steps out of the car and takes a huge whiff with her eyes closed, a small grin sitting on her face.
"Smell what?" Gigi gives me and Amanda a weird look.
"The smell of smoke and alcohol. My haven after a long day of death." Without another word, Mazzey strides her way into Manny's. It's become our favorite bar especially after our long days. Today was more than long for Mazzey. She worked alongside Dr. Wells today and let's just say it is never easy seeing a young one die on the table. Mazzey wears such a strong suit but I know deep down a couple of shots won't make it any better. Nothing does. We just learn to turn it off and move on. Hoping for a better next day.
I walk into Manny's arm in arm with Amanda. This is the first night she's come out with us since I got into the fight with Savannah. When she heard about Savannah being pregnant, she took the news much better than any of us had expected her to. She glances at me, giving me one of her warm smiles with her kind eyes.
"I'm glad you came out with us tonight" I tell her.
"Me too."
The bar is alive tonight. People scattered everywhere, girls fumbling as they try walking to the bathrooms. Guys trying to hit on girls way out of their league. Painful to watch but funny.
My eyes are caught by a pair of broad shoulders wearing a denim jacket at the bar.
Evan.
Amanda tugs at my arm to get me walking. I hadn't realized I had stopped right at the entryway.
"You guys go, I'll catch up with you in a second" My eyes stay on Buck. Amanda follows me gaze and gives me a small 'ahh'
"Good luck" I hear Gigi say as I start walking over to him.
I take the empty seat to his right. At first he doesn't look up at me. He's too focused on his drink. Even as I scoot my chair closer he doesn't give me any sign of acknowledgment. I clear my throat.
"Hey" my voice is small.
"What?" his tone catches me off guard. He doesn't make eye contact with me, he keeps his eyes on his drink. Gently tapping his fingers on the glass.
"Did you come to tell me you're sorry because if so, I don't think I want to hear it right now."
"Evan. I know I might have been a bit unfair to you but"
"Might have? You are the person I love the most and one thing happens and instead of sticking with me, boom, you're ready to leave." He chugs the rest of the brown liquor that was in his glass. I feel a sting in my chest from his words.
"I was hurt, Evan. And I didn't know how to feel about the possibility of my boyfriend raising a kid with-"
"It doesn't matter anymore. You ended things between us. I slept with Savannah when we weren't together and now I'll be facing this situation alone because once again, we're not together."
My heart stops when he admits what I fear didn't really happen.
"So, you did sleep with her? Because last night you said you weren't even sure what happened that night." He chuckles instead of answering my question. It only makes me even more upset.
"You lied to me.." my voice cracks.
"Of course that is all you get from what I said. You know what Stella? Yes. I hooked up with Savannah. I didn't tell you because what does it matter? We weren't together at the time. You were messing around with that attending of yours and I was... well, being Buck. We were not together. Just like we are not together right now because you need time."
Evan stands up from his seat, leaves cash on the counter and gives me a hard look. "Is that what you wanted? For me to fuck up so you don't have to be committed to me because maybe you weren't ready? Well there you are, we're done." For a moment I think I see him soften his features but he quickly recovers and his eyes are fixated on me with such anger. It takes all the strength I have, which is very little after hearing Evan speak to me in such a way, to not cry inside of a bar right now. I gather up all that I have left inside of me to respond.
"I am sorry I was unfair to you and I didn't ask you how you were feeling. I'm not perfect but you made me feel as though I am. You made me feel so much things I never have Evan and yes I was terrified at first but I don't regret it. I don't regret falling in love with you Evan but right now, I don't know who you are or if it's because you're drunk that you are acting this way. But you admitted that you lied to me and you seem like you don't even care and that... that hurts me."
Neither Evan or I say a single word for a few moments. I decide to be the one to walk away. I wanted to fix things but only made it worse.
"I hope you know I love you Evan. More than I could've imagined. So much but maybe this just isn't right for us right now."
"Stel-"
"We've both said enough tonight and maybe it's best we don't say anymore. Goodnight Evan"
I'm not sure if my mind was playing games but I think I hear him whisper I'll always love you as I'm walking away from him. Maybe it was my mind. Because not once did I feel him chase after me as I walked out of Manny's. Once I reached my car, reality sank in. I froze, trying to blink away the tears but my vision only got more blurry and the world around me felt as if it was crashing down on me, making it hard for me to breathe.
It's over.
{okay! I know this is not the happiest chapter but.... not everything is always sunshine and rainbows in stories. But...
Is this really the end for Stella and Buck?}