"And I always will."
"I'm so sorry."
This was awkard. And tense. I felt so exhausted with these in dept conversations about how we were sorry and didn't mean it and would never do it again and ect ect...
It felt so tense with Alexa and Lauren sitting there too. I didn't know what to say. I was on a new curb of forgiveness but I was mad. I wasn't ready just to forgive and forget.
I decided just to shrug.
"I'm gonna-" Lauren pointed to the nearest door off the family room and scurried away. Upsuprisenly Alexa followed.
They were all effected by Harry's slip up, but it was clear that this conversation really only needed to be between Harry and I.
The door Alexa and Lauren scurried away to shut softly leaving Harry and I alone. I was still seated on the arm of the couch as Harry took a step forward.
"Ela, I didn't mean to. I swear on it."
"I know Harry. Trust me I do."
He looked briefly stunned. "I dont- I don't understand."
I rubbed my knuckles back and forth against the coarse fabric of my jeans.
"I'm not - I'm trying to turn a new leaf and part of that is forgiveness and stuff. I don't know it sounds silly out loud but.."
"No no that's no silly...Ela that is-absolutly brilliant. That's amazing."
"But I'm still hurt Harry."
His face fell, but he nodded in understanding. "It just slipped Ela."
"I get it Harry I just- that was the one thing I had over the press. The one thing I felt like I had control over and that I could make a positive difference with. It's gone now and I'll get over it..I just - i-if it was going to come out I wish it wouldn't have been told by you."
Curiosity slapped across his face. "By me?" He asked increduously. "Why?"
"Because I value you too much and I don't want to view you in any negative way. At all."
He relaxed immediately.
"This just makes this harder to get back to where we were right?"
I bit my lip. "Yes." Another thing with the new me, complete honesty.
He let out am expell of air and threw his head toward to the ceiling. "Fuck." He cursed rawly.
"I can try and fix it somehow. I could say something like-like-" his words kept stalling and I just let him go. Because there was no fixing this. The world already knew and there was no going back. When he realized this too, he gave up trying to search for a solution. "I'm so fucking sorry Ela."
He looked so angry at himself. I didn't want him to feel like like that. I hated seeing him upset.
"Hey, its okay. Its not like its going to give us bad publicity or anything. It'll be fine Harry." I rose from my position on the couch to stand.
"Don't just blow by this. I fucked up so badly Ela. Don't minimize it." His face was getting a blotchy red and my heart felt a pang of hurt for him.
"Hush up." Without realizing what I was really doing I closed the gap between us. My fingers wrapped around his wrist and my feet slotted in between his. "Harry, look at me." I forced eye contact and swallowed the urge to kiss him. "It is okay. Don't beat yourself up."
He did hush. And a quiet peace settled over his face. "What'd you do with Ela?" He joked half heartedly.
"She's right here. Just new and improved." I whispered timidly.
"I love you Ela."
Those words always gave me goosebumps. My stomach always flipped and my eyelids always fluttered to the lace of my quickening heart when he said those words.
"You know I do too."
I was talking about my love for him. He knew I loved him. He had to.
"Say it." He pleaded. "Please say it."
But the words felt like lead in my tongue. I wanted to say it so badly, but I stalled. I couldn't find them.
"I haven't heard it in so long El. Please just once. "
Do this for him. Ela, do it.
"I do Harry."
"Do what?" His breath fanned gracefully across my face. I smelt the trace of cologne on his collar and the faint one of metal from his chains he wore around his neck. Ever so gently his lips brushed against mine. It had been so long and I felt sparks fly vividly like never before.
"I do. I do love you Harry."
He sighed deeply in relief and rested his forehead against mine. A quiet lull surrounded us.
"And thank you."
He picked up his head to make eye contact with me again. "For what??
I blinked a couple times. "For going to visit my Dad and everything. I think you were the one who really brought us closer together."
He let out a girlish giggle. "I thought you might be mad at me to tell the truth."
I bite my lip. "Well...at first yes. But I thought about it and you always have my back. You always came through."
"And I always will."
***
And he did. For the next three weeks Harry continued to give me my space. I still saw traces of him. Weather it was a flower sent on occasion. Or a simple goodnight text from him. Or even once a handwritten letter.
And I loved every memo and every letter and every message. I didn't think it possible but my love for him grew stronger in this time we've been apart.
And I finally thought we could get back to where we were, or maybe even a better place then before.
Untill Heather showed up.