the dependence

kiss 'n makeup

I was so hurt, that I didn't even expect Carol to follow me, besides she was drunk.
As I sat down at the counter in the kitchen I heard the front door open, then slam shut.
Cate was with her sister, so that meant it to be Carol who had decided to leave the house.
My heart was breaking thousand pieces and the person who was doing it was just the same one who put the pieces back together when someone did it last time, I was so confused.
I wasn't stupid I saw that Carol was hiding a piece of paper behind herself, my job would have been to figure out what was written on it and why Carol was desperately trying to hide it from me; I slowly walked upstairs as I took the courage to enter in the studio, which just a few months earlier had been Carol's birthday present from me and our daughter.
The sheet was resting on the desk, it almost seemed to be done on purpose, so I caught the signal and took it, sitting softly on the chair next to the desk.
Of all the things I expected to be able to read, what was written there was the last one;
I discovered immediately that sheet was addressed to me, Carol told me on that piece of paper that it was not so easy for her to have to overcome some things or have to forget them and act as if nothing was in her memories, but that continued to haunt her despite years had passed.
There was a reason why she stopped writing, I never asked her what it was, because I didn't think it mattered, my prototype of the perfect family had overshadowed my task of making sure everyone was happy, including Carol not only myself. I put a hand lightly on my face, realizing I was so selfish that I didn't even want to acceot the fact that Carol had a problem.
At that moment I knew I had to do something, but what could I do, it was late in the evening and it was already dark and I didn't want to do even more problems than I had done before, so I just sat all the time to keep reading that letter and analyzing it in every point and detail;
I was looking for a solution to Carol's sadness and anguish, she was the person I loved and I couldn't let her be sad, not again.
I slowly took the paper with me as I walked downstairs, back to the counter where I had previously sat, still holding the letter in my hand.
I waited what seemed like hours, staring at the clock waiting for Carol to come back home, but, the time seemed definitely infinite and for a moment I also thought that the clock hands were going back instead of going forward.
After nearly four hours, my nerve-wracking waiting was getting more and more stressful and I was feeling more and more tired and terrified of having ruined everything;
I had a natural talent for ruining the finer things that I had been fighting for a very long time, causing them to dissolve in air as gas.
As I was looking at the letter again, I heard the front door open, she finally she was back home so I could apologize and try to help her stop drinking, she wouldn't be alone, not again.
'Carol?' I said in a faint voice.
'Hm?' she responded by simply throwing her coat on the back of the sofa.
'I'm sorry… I'm an idiot and I should have read and understood your attitudes instead of blaming you, instead I just thought about myself and I'm so sorry for that. I want to help you 'I said playing lightly with my fingers as I spoke, I was really nervous I didn't want to hurt her.
"I'm sleepy," Carol said in a shacking voice from all the alcohol that was circulating in her body.
I knew it wasn't her talking in that moment but all those vodka bottles, but I needed to talk to her about it and apologize for being the worst girlfriend ever.
Suddenly, while I was careful to pay attention to Carol's bewildered, staggering figure, I noticed the mold of a few red lips on her neck;
As I slowly approached I noticed that it was fresh lipstick, whoever it was would have done it a few minutes before she got home.
'What is that?' I asked, pointing to her neck.
'Nothing,' Carol said trying to remove the lipstick from her neck when she saw the red on her fingers.
'Did you cheat on me ..? Were you with someone else ...? ' I said in a trembling voice not realizing that tears were involuntarily falling from my eyes.
I suddenly saw Carol's gaze change, as if she suddenly realized what was happening and that was my Carol, the woman I knew would understand her mistakes and do whatever it takes to make me happy, not the Carol I had seen in the last month, a desperate and sad woman.
'Abby, God, I'm so sorry I don't know what's happening to me, it's all slipping through my hands and I'm not able to take my life back and just hold it.' Carol said in a trembling voice approaching me.
'no please don't come near' I simply said taking some steps back, at that moment I didn't want to see her;
That was the first time I wished that I could disappear or teleport myself to anywhere else until I calmed down and felt better.
'Abby, I swear it was not my intention to hurt you please listen to me' Carol said in a broken voice, as I could see the tears running down her cheeks 'I swear I will never drink again please give me another chance' Carol said, I couldn't help but turn to her and take a few steps towards the shaking figure in front of me, she was still the person I loved and I couldn't let her feel that bad, it was also my fault and each of us would have to take our responsibilities.
'Do you promise me? You'll never have to drink again' I said, stopping right in front of her.
'I promise you, whatever for you' Carol said and I looked straight into her eyes, seeing a glimmer of hope that made me smile slightly.
'I'm sorry, I'm an idiot' Carol said placing her palm on my cheek.
'I'm sorry too, I was wrong too, we both were wrong today' I whispered closing my eyes on contact with her palm.
'I love you Abby, it's impossible to tell you how much I love you and how sad I am now,' Carol said, speaking in a voice that trembled with pain and drunkenness.
'Let's just go to bed and forget about this day,' I whispered, continuing to keep Carol's hand right on my cheek.
I saw her nod and taking my hand as we walked upstairs to our room;
I just wanted to forget that day as I told her but it would be very difficult to remove the events of that horrible evening, but I had faith in her and, I knew that she would do something for both of us, for our entire family, and stop drinking.
I trusted her and knew that she would do anything to make us happy, she loved her family.
I slowly lay down on the bed, in Carol's warm arms, which have always proved to be my refuge in times of pain and my home when I needed to feel loved and protected by someone.
'Marry me, we have been waiting for this moment for years now, we have fought a lot, I want to marry you Abby, I love you, I promise you that nothing like this will ever happen again' Carol said holding me closer to her 'for more than four years we have been waiting for the perfect time, this is the perfect time '
I slowly moved my gaze up, to the woman beside me, in her eyes I could see what I saw for the first time that first Christmas night we spent together, when we kissed, a light not comparable to something existing but simply the light that had guided me all those years, the one that had never allowed me to stay in the dark, now it was my time to light her way.
Slowly I placed the palm of my hand on Carol's cheek, lightly rubbing my thumb against her cold, tear-wet skin.
'Marry me Carol' I whispered.