the dependence

goodbyes

Unfortunately without even realizing it my last few weeks with Carol went by too fast, I couldn't help but be so happy to spend my time with her that I didn't realize that the days were running too fast, literally slipping from my hands right before I could notice it.
Just like someone said, time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back.
But hey for those who love... time is eternity, they say.
The last morning I spent at the Aird house had been a really strange day;
that morning I woke up quite early, I wanted to spend the last morning with Carol, not lose neither a second of that last morning routine together, but I couldn't find her anywhere.
It seemed almost as if they had all disappeared suddenly.
After all, Rindy as usual was busy with her 'friend', as she called it, but I the only one person with who I wanted to spend my last with with was completely disappeared.
I convinced that Carol wanted to spend the last morning with me, eating breakfast together, bring out some memories, laugh, hug and kiss, for last time for a long time.
I knew that I would have missed those beautiful ocean blue eyes, how could I survive without drowning in them.
Anyway, started packing by putting inside my bag all the things that I had brought a few months before from my house, I also added a small hearted bracelet.
It was Carol's bracelet it would have been a motivation to never forget her and always keep it with me.
I would not have let the memories of this beautiful vacation fade away over time, life is not just the passing of time. Life is the collection of experiences and their intensity and for this reason I had promised Carol I would come back as many times as I could to meet Rindy, to meet her...
Suddenly, as I was packing my suitcase and arranging the last things inside the room, I heard the lock on the door closing.
I was confused, I didn't understand if it was my imagination or if someone had locked me inside the room.
'Carol?' I said with a frown.
No one answers me from the other side of the door, but I heard a little sob and it was certainly Carol's voice.
Why would she do such a thing?
Why would she lock me inside a room in her house?
'Carol !? Please open the door, 'I said, slamming my fists lightly against an inlaid wooden door.
'Why are you doing this?' I started to feel worried, she had never behaved this way and I didn't know what was going on
Slowly some tears started to fall from my eyes to my cheeks, sliding down creating a wet trail.
'Please,' I said silently.
When I have heard no more response from the other side of the room I slowly slid my back against the door, until I sit on the cold floor of the room.
'Even you're going away from me ...' Carol said and her voice was intrinsic of pain, but it was very different, it sounded almost ... drunk, I would have expected it from Carol, she reacts to drammatical situations differently than how other people would, she relies pain on alcohol and not talking or making up a solution, she just abandons herself to it.
'That's not how it works Carol, you can't do this,' I said, sniffling slightly.
'I just wanted to be loved' In this sentence I could hear all the pain and Carol's repentance which hurted in my chest.
Suddenly I heard a slowly release of the lock on the door and I could hear her leaving, her footsteps made me think she was walking to her bedroom.
I quickly walked out of the room almost as if I was scared to be locked inside it one more time, she was not into herself at that moment she could do anything.
I walked quickly down the stairs and I reached the first floor, what was I supposed to do?
I wouldn't have been able to stay anyway, it wasn't my fault I didn't want to leave Carol here alone and especially drunk.
It all was already painful for me.
I didn't want at all to leave that house without saying goodbye to Carol and mostly I would have never left her alone when she was drunk, but I had no choice this time, I should have left and soon too.
I softly took the coat that was leaning on the hanger in the living room and looked at the scarf that was placed next to the front door, in that moment I decided that I would leave it to Carol as a memento of me, whatever would happen in the future.
I looked around myself for the last time retracing all the events of those last few months again, my brain was slowly retracing every moment of when Carol and I were close to each other, holding hands, and, taking a deep breath I walked to the principal door.
I was ready to go out, I put my hand on the handle, trying to give myself courage when suddenly I hear a loud noise then, something falling.
That sound was similiar to a shoot.
I closed my eyes terrified, the first thing I thought was that Carol had done something stupid, Rindy often told me that it was not that much rare event she had attempted suicide.
So, slowly completely scared of what I would have found, I began to walk upstairs from where I heard that loud noise.
I was taking small steps terrified holding myself on railing, almost as my legs would have stop at any time.
I stopped right in front of Carol's room which had the door almost completely closed.
I slowly brought my hand to the wood of the doors and pushed it lightly.
I was completely blocked, scared, I didn't know what to do, what I was seeing was the most scary thing I had ever seen.
It was my fault.