the dependence

past

'the human being is weak'

This was a phrase that echoed in my brain for days without stopping, making space even between my dreams;

I was weak, although I had always imposed absurd conditions on myself just to learn how to get by on my own and be strong, without needing someone else's help.

This discovery was tearing and disturbing me almost as if the truth that I had been trying to hide from myself for years was finally coming out showing the reality of the facts; we are weak alone.

I slowly opened my eyes realizing that my body was literally wrapped in the warm arms of the woman at my side that held me tightly towards herself.

I looked down at her hands that were slowly moving over the scars on my arm, now almost completely hidden and faded by the time;

Her touch, her fingers spread small burns of guilt on my skin, but I was afraid, I knew I had never exposed myself so much and never showed my wounds, visible or not, to anyone but Carol, I trusted and wanted her to see who I really was.

She placed a little kiss on a fairly obvious scar and I had to bite my lip hard to stifle the tears that were forming inside my eyes.

'How did you get all those' she asked me in a low voice so as not to scare me.

I quickly ran a hand over my cheek wiping away the tears that had fallen against my will.

'I had an oppressive and very violent family when exactly what they asked for was not done' I began and realized that in reality this was the first time I had told someone how things had actually gone while everyone thought everything was normal and I I grew up building walls and real barriers around me to protect myself from whatever would happen outside.

So many years had passed,

I honestly didn't believe I could get this far, I didn't think I could do it and no matter how hard I tried to believe the opposite, I knew that sooner or later, someday I would be afraid again, I would have that feeling for it again, more distressing that it haunted me as if there was no hope of seeing the future differently after witnessing the past.

'Oh' Carol whispered 'Did they do this to you?' She asked me rubbing my arm lightly just enough to make me shiver.

'Oh no, they didn't,' I said, smiling slightly.

'So who did it ..?' Carol said as she moved her gaze to mine.

'I did it' I whispered, realizing that reality was closer than I ever tried to.

It was the worst and hardest thing to admit but I realized that, I'm not a strong person at all, I literally felt fragments of my past sticking into my soul, my dreams, in my life, in everything, it's like a ghost , my ghost, haunts me incessantly to the point of driving me mad and discouraged, fleeing from reality because I know it would be much more difficult to admit that I have a problem rather than overcome it, as I did not believe I had the skills to do it, like the first time I ran away from reality, I literally pretended that nothing had happened to make the people next to me happy, almost as if everything that happened had been at their expense, but I paid for it.

'What?' Carol whispered 'Why?'

I had to give an answer to all the questions she was asking me at that moment;

Every time I had tried to talk to someone in recent years, usually with a psychologist, the amount of questions I was asked just terrified me and so I always ended up walking away, completely paralyzed by my fears it is always by the same desire to put reality aside as if nothing ever happened.

'I was just really sad, looking at other people and wondering how they could be so sure they were not living in a dream or an illusion, so, I realized that I was afraid of disappearing as I no longer felt anything and the only what made me feel real and still alive was the pain 'I said with my glaze down, not having the courage to look at Carol's expression that I would have been afraid she might have shown disgust or terror at my words.

'I think I am an unsuccessful experiment of some people who wanted to create a perfect, immune, courageous, intrepid being, but in reality they made this; I'm the set of mistakes made by the same people, the people I thought wanted to help me, in reality I was just a guinea pig. 'I began to feel tears forming in my eyes and my hands shaking slightly with terror.

Suddenly a cold touch stopped my trembling hand, holding it.

'You're brave,' Carol whispered lightly connecting our fingers together just enough for me to grow courage enough to look up at her and meet love and understanding instead.

'It's a a strange feeling knowing you have a problem but not being able to tell how it feels when sometimes, for long periods you always have the same dream, you always imagine the same things, you always do the same things, you always have the same flashbacks of something that we remember constantly and cannot erase, it becomes a nightmare to know that everything is stuck in my brain, almost as if it had been tattooed inside to make sure it didn't disappear. I can't get rid of that Carol 'I said this time looking her straight in the eyes.

She said nothing, she just stayed by my side, sometimes, I thought, silence is better than words.

'In these moments I realize that I am sinking faster than it can take me to ascend, most of me is still, numb, I don't know, maybe spending too much time thinking is not good for me, it leads me to wonder why some gestures that for everyone can be taken for granted but for me they are not, or at least not anymore, because we are forced to have the constant feeling of fear to remind us that we are alive or become faded figures from the years that pass that lose sight of what and our true purpose in this life' I kept talking, voicing most of the thoughts that had tortured me for years, but I had never been able to express them to anyone before that moment, while instead, Carol gave me the chance to chasing those worries out, never interfering with any of my thoughts.

I always thought that I was more afraid of myself than of other people, I believed that there were more dangers in my brain than I could find outside and I was afraid, because those castles that I had erected over the years were only watchtowers that should have stopped me in case something was panting wrong but how could they protect me from the past, how could they protect me from myself.

I slowly slipped into Carol's arms feeling suddenly lighter almost as if I had unloaded a weight off my body that weighed me down for years.

'We'll make it together' Carol said kissing the top of my head 'You're not alone, you'll never be again, I love you' she whispered.

When I was little I always had a dream;

I dreamed of running in a flowery field.

During that time I began to remake that dream, initially I interpreted it as a solution of my brain to escape from reality and find a alternative version, until I realized that in my dream I stopped running and started screaming.