the dependence

regret

'I don't want to see you again'

I was angry, scared, I didn't know what to do;
My daughter was in a coma and part of the fault was mine too, but I had wrongly accused Rindy because I was scared, I'm still not sure but I was probably blinded by the fear of being a bad parent.
I hurt Carol and mostly Rindy with my behavior but I wasn't the kind of person who would apologize right away after making a mistake.
I sat on the stairs outside the hospital, in the yard, watching the sunrise slowly make its way into the darkness of the night, lighting up the sky with a slight pink tinge.
At that moment I realized that I had done everything wrong;
My fears overwhelmed me that much that it was hard to manage them, I let my emotions take the best over me, hurting my family.
I took a deep breath realizing that maybe, I should have done better for them and walked away for a while, giving everyone time to calm down and maybe Rindy to forgive me.
I slowly walked past the car, slipping my hands into the pockets of my black coat that protected me from the cold as the chill wind whistled in the air.
Every step I took was a thought that screamed in my head filling the silence of the street, every step I took was accompanied by a new sense of guilt for all the words I had said inside that room in the hospital.
'Damn it' I whispered as I kicked a stone with my foot angrily.
The way home seemed endless;
It was a path made of anguish and guilt from which I wanted to get out as quickly as possible.
When I put my hand on the doorknob I had to hold back tears as I remembered the first time I walked down that road holding Cate in my arms right after her birth, Carol and I were so excited to finally be able to add a new participant to our family that we did not realize that it would be more difficult than we expected, as it had proved.
I closed the door behind myself and slid down with my back slowly, holding my head in my hands, sobbing desperately.
'What should I do' I whispered to myself in tears, I did not want to lose my daughter for any reason in the world and even the thought that there was this possibility made me gasp in fear as more tears began to form in my eyes.
I searched desperately for Carol in the house, she was the only person who could calm me down and stop this panic that was growing incessantly inside me, but, I realized what had happened and that I had told her I never wanted to see her again.
I was a fool, I reacted impulsively and I knew that the people around me would get tired of my attitudes, but I was hoping that Carol knew that I didn't really mean what I had told just some time before to her.
I had lost track of time sitting on the cold floor holding my head in my hands as I slowly got up, who knows how much time later, and dropped myself onto the sofa, tired and weak, completely terrified of losing my family, the family I had fought for so long.
My eyes began to get heavy with tears and fatigue, I slowly abandoned myself to sleep, stopping my brain from those incessant thoughts that tormented me.
I felt as the waves of the sea collided with me and were pushing me deeper and deeper, I was completely submerged in my emotions and had no idea how to handle them.
Suddenly, I felt warm, as if two arms were holding me, replacing the cold of the night.
I opened my eyes slowly and the first thing I saw with my eyes tired and dry from the tears I had shed, Carol holding me tightly to herself.
'Oh?' was the only thing I said in a tired still sleepy voice.
'Hi,' Carol said looking down at me.
'Hi,' I whispered with a small smile.
She slowly placed me on the bed, lying down beside me.
I noticed her lost gaze of her looking up at the ceiling, almost as if she were analyzing the situation;
When I saw the woman I loved so lost and sad brought me back to so many memories, so many moments when we were always together facing problems, but this time it was my fault.
'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reacted that way.' I whispered so as not to scare her, turning in her direction.
Carol just nodded as she continued to look at the patterns that were drawn on the ceiling.
'I know we're all in the same situation, you, me and our poor Cate, I had no right to blame Rindy, I was wrong.' I kept saying, encouraged when Carol moved her gaze to me.
'We had always faced problems together, I feel lost without your help and your support, I am afraid' I whispered, this time because it was difficult for me to admit that I was afraid, all those years I had been forced to build myself an armor to protect the weakest and most vulnerable part of me that Carol destroyed effortlessly, almost as if I knew from the start that her intent was to help and strengthen me, but then, when I found out who Carol Aird really was, I realized she was a woman made up of weaknesses, with which she had learned to live with and struggle occasionally when she couldn't handle them. In all these years I have learned that as much as I may think she was a strong and patient woman, in reality she was tired, exhausted, she had lost that hope that led her to believe that every day could be a better day, that's who she was, a woman that I finally had the opportunity to marry and I was lucky to meet, except that sometimes I forgot it and ended up being selfish and thinking only of my fears, when instead there was someone else who forgot her weaknesses to cure mine.
'I know, I'm scared too' Carol said, I'm not sure but I could swear I saw a glowing tear travel quickly across her skin, dissolving down her cheek.
Carol had rarely shown herself weak to me, she had always played the strong soldier to give safety and protection and me, but, in that moment, when I saw those tired eyes and that troubled face, that made me grow a feeling of restlessness.
'I love you' It was the only thing that came to my mind, I knew it was a guarantee and a promise forever.