the dependence

someone like u

'I've got monsters still under my bed that I could never fight off'

A warm, reassuring sensation enveloped over my cold laid figure on the bed that morning;
The sun's rays penetrated the room illuminating it, the same room that a few hours earlier seemed to hide demons and monsters of my past in the dark corners of it. I slowly opened my eyes, perceiving even through my closed eyelids, the light penetrating from the large balcony beside the bed.
I looked around, peering at a new vision of things, realizing that that room was not so scary, almost like children who when they are small they believe that a scary monster is hiding in the dark under their bed or in their closet;
Like when I was little I ran into my mother's room when I heard noises during the night, but she was convinced that I had to fight my fears and I had to face them alone and so she locked me in my room in the dark for hours forcing me to live with those nightmares and with myself, which was perhaps even worse.
Over time I realized that I was the same as those monsters; I started hiding in the dark corners of the room, in complete darkness where I felt protected and safe from everyone, away from prying eyes that could have judged or hurt me, not visible to the eyes of all but only those of people willing to believe.
I slowly sat on the bed, trying not to wake the woman sleeping next to me; I rested my back on the bed frame, looking at the details of that room that was so familiar to me but during the night it seemed to totally change its shape.
I've got monsters still under my bed that I could never fight off.
I shook my head as if to erase the noisy thoughts that were building up quickly in my brain almost making space between other memories just to make loud screams in my mind.
The balance between Chaos and stillness in my mind was very subtle, almost like a swinging pendulum;
I've always wondered what could happen if one day I'd get tired of fighting it.
'good morning' Carol whispered in a still sleepy voice distracting me from my thoughts.
'Oh good morning, I hope I didn't wake you up,' I said with a small smile.
'even if you did, it would have been worth it,' Carol said slowly turning in my direction on the bed, touching some rebel locks of hair falling of my face.
'thank you,' I whispered, looking into her eyes.
Carol sat next to me on the bed, almost as if she understood the sudden change of subject into something more important.
'For what?' she asked me wrapping her arm around my figure.
'these panic attacks, I don't know what happened. They didn't happened to me in a long time, it is never the best experience to try, but you have been with me all the time and you have not judged any wounds, so I think it is right to thank you 'I said nervously playing with my fingers.
Suddenly I felt a warm touch on my cold hands, and when I looked down I found Carol's hand holding mine tightly, to give me confidence.
'you'll never be alone this is a promise, until the day I die' Carol said whispering the last part, like a promise.
The scary thought that there might be the possibility of losing Carol long before made my skin crawl and tears began to form in my eyes.
'I love you' I knew that this word for me had an even more important meaning than the classic meaning of the word itself, I had rarely said this phrase to anyone before I met Carol and although it seemed that mine was a perfect family we hid many dark sides that we tended to hide.
'Happy Valentine's Day,' Carol said placing a soft kiss on my cheek.
'Oh right, happy Valentine's Day,' I said absently, closing my eyes at contact.
'There is something wrong?' Carol said worriedly.
'No it's just that, the other years we celebrated our Valentine's Day with the family too but ... Cate' I said sadly whispering our daughter's name realizing that although I was starting to fight my memories and fears, but there was someone who was fighting for her life.
Carol put a hand on my shoulder gently.
'Sometimes I see so much in her that belongs to your attitude, for example when she smiles and wrinkles her nose in that adorable way or when she gets angry and frowns but especially when she fights and doesn't give up, just like you' Carol said slowly slipping her hand over mine and laced our fingers together.
'If you don't want to spend Valentine's Day like other years it's understandable, but you have to be sure our Cate will make it, I promise you' Carol kissed my hand softly.
Slowly I moved my gaze to the woman next to me, and, as has happened so many other times before, I realized again that I am the luckiest person in the world to have had the opportunity, to meet and have been able to marry a woman as supportive as she is;
I had never told anyone about the fears I had or the nonsense I had committed in the past not because I had no courage, but because I knew that the people around me were not ready to hear such a story and see how the past can affect the present of people and for the quiet life I had to pretend that nothing had ever happened, setting the problem aside for so long that instead of solving it I made it worse.
Initially I was afraid that Carol might have had the same reaction and then run away or just take me for crazy, but in reality she just stood there all the time just listening to me without influencing or correcting me, she just listened to me and gave me courage to fight all.
'I want to celebrate Valentine's Day with you' I said
'Really? You don't have to do it if you're not sure '
'I'm so sure, it'll do me good to get distracted and it'll do you good too,' I said and placed a little soft kiss on her cheek.
I noticed that like me, Carol closed her eyes at the contact almost as if we felt protected in each other's arms and we were not afraid of anything when we were together;
When that was the reason why I stopped being afraid of almost everything when I was by her side, but, the only thing that I continued to be so afraid of, was to lose her because I knew that the moment I lost her , I would begin to be terrified of the world that every day seemed more and more different and more and more distant from my conception of happiness.
Maybe the time had finally come to fight my fears and start facing the dark, this time alone.