Suddenly, we start again (Toruka Story english) 2.

Chapter 2

In 2020, on September 6.

"You're kidding, ... right?" Toru's gaze was amused at the blond strands of his friend, whose head rested heavily on his chest. A giggle followed, causing the smaller body that was half on top of him to quiver slightly. It was just after midnight and the tingling warmth on his skin, a pleasant accompaniment to their consummated lovemaking.

"Mou, ...how long have you known me now? ... Have I ever joked about our relationship? ... No, ... I mean, I am serious. ... I want children ... from you." The slight shaking grew stronger as the tall man beneath him began to laugh.

"Mori chan, ... my sweet darling. I know you want to change the world, but ... a pregnancy! ... You'll never last, ... just imagine ... 9 months ... and then the big belly." Another fit of laughter made the shorter one gasp and change to a sitting position, stand up and kick at the wide curtainless window in a huff.

They were on the fourth floor of an apartment block in a better part of Tokyo Prefecture, and Taka had a clear view of the adjacent park. Everything was dark and deserted. At this time of year, visitors could no longer be seen as temperatures dropped below 10C° Celsius at night. He shivered at this thought and the view of the empty park reflected his current state of mind. Despite the functioning partnership, he felt alone and helpless. The urge for a revitalized future had been bothering him for a long time and the decision to change something about it made it more difficult to breathe every day. This desire lay like a stone on his heart, so hard and angular that it hurt.

Taka dreamed of walking with Toru, along winding gravel paths, among tall trees and flowering shrubs. Bouncing in front of them was a little girl, with dark brown curls, her small delicate fingers squeezing her brother's hand to convey to him impatiencely how much she was looking forward to the playground. The slender boy, with big sleepy eyes could laugh shyly while promising her to take good care of her ... A fantasy?

Was it so hard to understand that he, too, longed for something like that. For his future generations, ... with his partner? Taka only heard the soft creaking of the bed and in the next moment strong arms wrapped around his middle, pulling him into a protective shell, like a warming cloak in winter.

"You would be such a perfect father, Toru. ... Calm, thoughtful, forward-looking and loving ..." He turned to him in the embrace and looked at him sadly. "I'm not kidding ..." In the deep brown eyes veiled by tears, one could find no doubt about the seriousness of his words.

The tall blond man sighed heavily, he knew someday they would stand before this abyss, fall together into the dark future and lose each other. But he didn't want to believe in it, ... why now? ... Why here?

"I will never leave you for a woman, just to have children, ... what are you thinking of me ..."

"What do you mean ONLY!" ... Children are our hope, our chance to live on. ... What will remain of us if we don't create descendants, our talents, our appearance, everything will disappear and only strangers will tell stories about us?" The singer breathed heavily, leaned his forehead against his friend's bare chest and haltingly tried to continue talking, "Time is passing by for us, ... we are getting old and no one ... will be here ... to celebrate family feasts with us. ... I wish so much ... to hear your children laugh, to feel their little tender hands when I guide them by mine and the clumsy little feet, to dare their first steps." The heavy breathing had long since given way to quiet sobs, and his shoulders would occasionally twitch uncontrollably.

"I still feel it's too little. My parents, even your mother, look at me expectantly every time. Pierce me with their looks that say, 'What's wrong with you? Don't you think about the future? ... So never say "just" again. ... Children are the most important thing ... do you understand?" Toru swallowed his rising anger. The evening was so perfect, and this weekend was not going to be overshadowed by an argument. It had been a long time, a few days of really just being alone with Taka, without rehearsals and business commitments. In two weeks they would have their last concert for this tour, everything was prepared and rehearsed. The routines like a poem in their heads, repeated hundreds of times in their minds. So why did this desperate outburst come just now?

Of course, it was not the first time to debate about this topic, but normally the words they shared, were always playful ones, without seeing the right value in it. They joked about pregnancies, artificial insemination, and surrogate mothers, all of which did not meet their expectations. Silly talk from immature men who actually had virtually no idea about any of this.

The grip around the slender body in Toru's arms loosened slightly to look down at the shorter.

"I love you Mori chan, ... with all my heart, ..."

"But?" The allarmed voice almost made him wince.

"No buts, dammit!" He answered too quickly, too aggressively, and regretted it before the words were even fully spoken.

"Yeah right...", Taka laughed derisively and lightly pushed the man away from him with his clenched fists, freeing himself.

"You're right. ... Damn it all, I can't go on like this. ... I can't find any sleep, my thoughts are always circling around doing justice in our society." It sounded bitter almost angry as his eyes stared at the bare feet. But when he raised his head again after a few heavy breaths, there was only weariness and melancholy in his gaze.

"No one has a problem with our relationship, but everyone is shaking their heads behind our backs, thinking to themselves how lonely and empty these musicians basically are. Doing their thing, putting on their show, partying late into the morning and living practically without responsibility. ...What kind of life is that?"

"I'd say it's the one you chose," Toru replied softly, closing the gap between them again without any resistance from his friend.

"Think back to how hard and exhausting our first years with the band were. We couldn't think of anything but doing our best over and over again. To learn, to move on, to move up and enjoy the success." Toru's fingers slid through his lover's straw-colored hair. Only recently had Taka dyed it bright again. Out of a mood, that created his current dissatisfaction. The singer had come so far, accomplished so much, but the larger their fan base became, the harder he fought for more. Restless, with the urge to rise ever higher. The taller one spoke on empathetically, "We dreamed of huge stadiums, with thousands of listeners, ... remember? Those dreams have long since come true. ... And our love for each other? ... Wasn't it that very goal, here and now, to be so famous and a couple in love?" Carefully, he lifted Taka's chin to look him in the eye. "I did everything I could to make you happy and I thought ... it was enough." A long look followed, which they both withstood. "What do you expect from me?" he asked again, leaning forward slightly so that the tips of their noses touched. "Mori chan, ... tell me." Tears that had been gathering in the corners of the smaller man's eyes now loosened like a string of pearls and slid down his pale cheeks. Toru tried to kiss them away, tasting the salty liquid on his tongue, whispering the same three words over and over. "I love you ..."

On this particular weekend, Taka presented his friend with a fait accompli. He knew a hard time would come his way when he no longer had those strong, arms protecting him, he had to master his life alone, this seemed the worst thing ever.

But if not now, ... then never. And this thought of an empty, silent future was unbearable for him. To let a woman into his life was unrealistic and alienating in his present condition. Only Toru could play that part, because ... Taka was still guarding his secret.

"I will let you go . ... Find a partner and make me ... an uncle." The singer still remembered clearly the surprised look from his friend. But there was no more objection from Toru, no more nervous laughter or angry scolding. They had reached a point where they could not turn back. Taka was positively obsessed with the idea of becoming godfather, and Toru had never denied him a wish.

With the conclusion of the last concert, a temporary break for the band was announced. The show was great, one of the best one would say. Everyone outdid themselves with their performance, stamina and dedication. Even Toru, the leader of the group, who was not only pushed beyond his physical limit by the efforts of the performance, but also by the fact that after this last gig he would not be allowed to get close to his best friend and lover, demanded once too much from him. After the second encore, they gratefully said goodbye, marched to their dressing room as if by remote control, and Toru collapsed, exhausted. It all happened so fast, the ambulance loaded the unconscious man onto a stretcher and Taka couldn't see his bandmate again until he was in the hospital.

The singer could still remember how shocked the patient, who woke up soon after, had been when the nurse tried to give him an injection. At that point everything seemed fine, nothing tragic just dehydration of the body. But the leader's strange looks and reaction to Hiroki, finally alarmed Taka. Too many things pointed to one thing he didn't like at all.