(18+) RED (Complete)

Ch. 17: Fumbling

I kept whispering to myself, demanding my brain to relax, while I glanced around in paranoia in case someone was looking at me. Or worse; had followed me when I ran from school. But except for a couple of doves and the sound of traffic in the distance, I was alone.

"God, I hate this," I mumbled. Then I sniffled and used my palms to wipe my wet cheeks. Then I stared at the yogurt that was clenched so hard in my hand, that it was a wonder it was still intact. I actually doubted that I would notice if it exploded and stained both my hand and clothes. Until now, at least. And now the thought of eating it made me nauseous.

I put it down on the bench next to me and stared at the doves that were combing every piece of grass and leaf in search of something to eat. I suddenly wished I had chosen a sandwich for lunch. Then at least they would be happy when I fed them my lunch.

If only Gabby was here...

Gabby would pull my head out of my ass, and knock some sense into me in times like these. At the same time, if she was here, I'd probably have another reason to get an anxiety attack, and lord knows I had enough of those lately because of all the changes in my life. But if she was here, then maybe I'd just get overwhelmed by anger and the urge to claw her eyes out, and hurt her the way she'd hurt me? No. I could deal with my problems without her. And I would do great. Then why did it hurt so badly that she wasn't here?

"Do you mind?" I heard next to me, and I threw a quick, startled glance at the person who'd asked. It was a young man who probably was around my age, and my first guess was that he probably was a student like me. And now he was asking if it was okay to sit down next to me.

"Uh..." I said with a voice that literally sounded like the song from the tears that had played on my heart strings. But the man didn't wait for me to answer. He just sat down, which caused me to move as far to the other end of the bench as possible. I made sure he didn't see my face, wanting to hide my red eyes and swollen face with a drape of hair. And right at that point I was incredibly relieved that I chose not to have it braided, like I usually did, even though it meant hours and hours in the bathroom either straightening it or just form my curls into something that didn't look like a birds nest.

"I'm Benjamin. We have psychology together."

I was right. He was a student. And the fact that we were in the same class made the knot in my stomach tighten again.

"Are you okay?"

The question was left unanswered. I didn't want to talk and much less to a stranger, which was why I'd refused to get a new therapist and instead had regular video consultations with Tracy. Or we just talked on the phone.

"I saw you stormed out of the cafeteria, and thought maybe you shouldn't be alone."

I want to be alone, idiot. That, and every curse words I knew, were what I wanted to scream, but I kept silent. I swallowed a salty lump in my throat that told me that my tears still weren't completely under control yet. But I kept it together.

"I can help you, you know. If you just tal..."

"No, I don't wanna talk. Just because we have psychology together doesn't make you qualified to interfere with other people's business," I interrupted coldly.

"But that's not why. My sister has..."

"I want to be left alone!"

He stopped talking. At least for a while there was silence enough for me to try and calm myself down even more. Surprisingly enough it went quite well too, because the growing awkwardness between us distracted me.

"You're new here, aren't you? Where are you from?" he asked eventually.

"I mean, I don't think I've seen you before."