The Art of Yearning

Letters

You wondered if this is how peace of mind felt. Not having a thought, a worry, the everlasting questions that raised in your mind absent, time nonexistent in the silence that surrounded your body. Feelings of your guilt washing away as the waves of the deep blue water moved you ever so slightly, the light touch on your fingertips as you brushed the water. Opening your eyes and seeing the dark sky filled with blinking stars, knowing that in the middle of it all, no sound was coherent to make, just like you in this very moment. Thinking of the infinite ways space was, thinking back to him, Charlie being one in infinity, fortunate to be able to know him.

Charlie had been distant since Thanksgiving, which you didn't blame him for. You should have been honest when you promised him that you were going to be. The short messages he sent were enough for you to know he was upset at you. Feeling a splash on your face, the weightlessness of your body fell as your feet hit the bottom of the pool, The bright blue water reflecting off of Alex's eyes as he swam around you.

"Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it, as I feel partly responsible for what happened?" Alex spoke with a hint of shame on his voice.

"I'm okay. I just feel guilty. It seems like we often do this where one of us fucks up, so we ignore each other until we apologize. Then the next person does something else, but what if my fuckup that was easily avoidable ruins whatever we have. Or had."

Moving to the stairs, you sat on the step, hugging your knees as Alex followed you. "Do you think things are done between you two?" Alex questioned softly.

Drawing shapes in the water, you glanced at him again, "If there is space to glue whatever is broken back."

"I sense that is not the only thing on your mind. Come on, twinkle toes, you can talk to me."

You blew out air, feeling the weight of your shoulders drop, "Being here, I realized I didn't leave home because I wanted to. I moved to get away from someone, but being here doesn't feel right. I feel like a black sheep here. I knew what I wanted to do, and now I don't even know Alex. Everything is falling apart. Charlie is the only thing that just makes sense. If I ruined that-" Fighting the tears you had been holding, you bit your lip, focusing on the water moving around you.

"I'm sorry, as mom and dad were saying your room is open at home, maybe you just need a step back to reflect on yourself. Getting a break from here, work, and school. Just be with you." Alex spoke, sitting on your side, pushing you with his elbow.

Rubbing your eyes from the burn of the chlorine and your tears, you eyed him, "Maybe you're right. The question is, what if I don't want to come back?"

"Like me?"

"Yes, just like Alex, who went to venture off to New York, and came back for fall break. You've been on fall break for three years." You joked, splashing him, as he did too. "Hey, whatever did happen to Jordan?"

"You just answered your own question?" He spoke with sarcasm on his tongue.

"How?"

"I haven't seen him in three years. I'm sure his restaurant will be as successful as mine, but you don't need to have everything figured out right now. You've constantly been working for what? For these unanswered questions, I think you require a break for a while."

Huffing out air, you felt the breeze on your skin, "For three years?"

"If that is what it takes. Talk to Charlie, be honest and for Parker, let's just hope he doesn't try to mess anything up. He either came here to get you back, ruin your life, or he needed a break like you. "