Lost To Darkness (CallMeKevin Fanfic)

Chapter 7: Paranoid

(Nina's Pov) *TRIGGER WARNING*

I had a hard time sleeping yesterday...I couldn't stop thinking about my mental breakdown at that Grocery store and Kevin helping me...I wanted to try and trust him and I wanted to believe he was a good guy, but my brain is so fucked and so damaged that it won't let me believe that to be true...I just fear that every guy will hurt me or use me...I don't want that to be true but I'm so scared...I'm so terrified that it is...

It didn't make things better that Kevin lived right above me, my brain couldn't help but think of all the bad things he could do to me...however, none of that happened of course but maybe he's waiting for a good opportunity...maybe he's just waiting for the perfect moment...fuck dude...I can't...my brain was going back and forth between Kevin being genuinely a nice guy or him just being nice until he hurts me in some way...

I know he calmed me down in the store when no one else would, I know he told me there's really no such thing as Irish Murderers and Irish people are the nicest people to come across but I just didn't believe it...This world is so fucked no matter how many nice people there are...

If my life and foster sibling isn't a good enough explanation, then I don't know what is...My brain is so damaged and so fucked that I am beyond repair and beyond fixing...I'm so fucking paranoid...I can't fucking do this...

I looked at the time seeing it was 6am. I was curled up in the corner of my room, covered with my blanket because I was too scared and paranoid to sleep. I might've dozed off a few times but I could hear sounds from above which made me flinch awake and my heart race a little.

I sighed and rubbed my face tiredly and looked seeing the bright light from outside. I sighed and yawned as I snuggled against my wall and blanket for comfort...I was so tired but I felt too paranoid to sleep...Part of me knew Kevin wouldn't do anything but how can I be so sure?

I mean after he took me home, we haven't talked since nor has he came down to try and talk to me...but still...I don't know him all that well...he was just a man who helped me through a breakdown in a store and lives above me...

I don't know his intentions or what goes on through his brain...Who knows what he's capable of...and not to mention the height difference between us...I mean he can easily overpower me no questions asked...I'm not strong whatsoever...

My head pounded which made me groan as I weakly got up from the floor feeling my head pound, heart race and vision blur over. I held onto my wall for support to make sure I don't pass out. Once I felt somewhat fine, I took a few deep breaths and weakly headed out of my room and to the kitchen and brewed some coffee.

My stomach churned anxiously as I looked around my house seeing what food I had even though I know I can never eat anything without wanting to vomit but I know I need it to survive and I know Beth would want me to live but I don't know if I can...I don't know how much longer I can take.

I sighed as I looked around trying to find the safest food to eat that will either not hurt my stomach or come out easily if I do vomit. I sighed and grabbed a thing of vanilla yogurt. My coffee maker went off which made me flinch and gasp a bit...Jesus...I'm so fucking paranoid man...I hate it.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and grabbed a spoon for my breakfast and headed back to my room. I sat on my bed and sighed as I sipped my coffee and slowly ate my yogurt.

I heard loud noises from above which made every nerve instinct in me flinch and tense up. My heart raced and stomach churned anxiously which made me sigh knowing it was just Kevin...I thought about what he said yesterday...He records for YouTube?

Maybe watching his videos will give me a sense of what he's like...then again people are very different online than real life...everything could be an act, or he could be faking...I don't know what's real anymore...I don't know what to believe...