Explaining my emotions to people has never been that easy. So, I take to writing in hopes that the people I care about most will see it. But, they never do.
So, I talk to no one and just blindly write in hopes that I feel better afterwards.
To describe what I'm feeling, the most universally used term is "Lonely". When we feel lonely, we feel many more different things. Some people feel angry or sad. Some feel envious of those that don't feel the way they do. Some feel desperate.
The best way to describe how I feel is to picture that experiment with the 2 flowers growing in a pot. One flower is tended to everyday and is told how beautiful it is and all sorts of positive affirmations. The second flower is told it is worthless and ugly and isn't given the love and care that the first one is.
The first one blooms into a beautiful specimen of glamour and awe. The other wilts away, dying in an ugly heap in the pot. Those two flowers represent the constant war that buzzes inside my head, and I'm caught somewhere in the middle, a secret third flower, and I have a gardner tending to me and telling me nice things....
But I can't hear the beautiful words. I'm told I'm beautiful, but all I hear is ugly. I'm told I matter, but all I can hear is I'm worthless. And I feel worthless.
I feel like a tail feather that's fallen off of a beautiful dove, and I'm floating down to the ground. I'm twisting in all types of directions and I have no control, but I'm plummeting to the earth whether I want to or not. And once I hit the ground, it's really a hit or miss with what happens to me next.
On the one hand, I could be picked up by someone fascinated by me and put somewhere and treated like a special treasure.
On the other hand, I could lay on the ground and be stepped on and trampled; walked over with no one caring if they bend me or snap me in half.
I'm constantly isolated and it's gotten so bad that I expect this. I wake up, and I can't say I've gotten used to it, but it's what I expect.
I don't expect anything different to happen. If I'm asked by someone what I'm doing, I can just tell them it's the same answer I told them last time, because it is the same. I don't do anything different. I'm not capable.
I'm stuck in this constant routine of waking up and waiting for the day to disappear into night again. There's no obstacles, just wake up and then wait until it's time to lay in bed again.
Notice I didn't fall asleep.
My sleep schedule is also a hit or miss, but to the extremes. Sometimes if I have a headache then I'll fall asleep earlier, but tend to wake up at horrible times. Then sometimes I'm falling asleep at 7 am. There's no healthy medium, both sides are a losing side.
At this point all I can hope for is that I fall asleep before I fall apart.
YOU ARE READING
Just Talkin'
RandomI guess this is like a book of one-shots. I just write, I have a poem book where I vent, but sometimes I can't express what I'm thinking in just a poem.
