Just Talkin'

Him

I guess you could say, when it came to love, I was pretty inexperienced. Sure, I've been in and out of relationships over the years, but I never really have done legit couple things.

I still haven't gone on a first date, I can't even tell if my first kiss even counted. Hell, I fall in and out of love everyday.

Or, atleast I did.

Then, I met Him. To save his identity, let's just call him Stephen. Stephen was just a normal guy. For me, talking to any human being is a chore, so you can guess our interactions in the beginning were very limited. In fact, I don't even remember how we began our friendship, it just kinda happened.

Once I magically did get to know him, I found he was actually pretty funny and a great listener. He understood my problems, and he always seemed to want to help me. We grew to be pretty close, and life seemed perfect. The puzzle pieces were finally coming together.

Then one of us grew feelings. I'll go ahead and tell you, it was me.

I didn't really quite understand how I felt at first. I love and value my friends equally, but at times, the only one I wanted to talk to was him. Stephen became an important puzzle piece with no place to fit anymore. This scared me.

In order for you to understand, yes I've always had crushes and stuff, but this was different. Usually I can tell who I'm going to like. With Stephen, I never really thought of him romantically. To me, he was just a friend and that's all I wanted. I can't really tell you how it happened or why.

I was listening to music like I always do, but this time, every song just made me think of him. I always have some scene playing in my head when I listen to songs, but every scene was us. Usually, this wouldn't bother me, as I think of my friends whenever I'm listening I music.

But we were more than friends in my head.

I know, it's all cliche, believe me I know. It's not really easy to accept, it's been almost a year since I've known him and I still can't believe that it happened that way. But that was when I finally understood.

I'm in love with Stephen.

My first thoughts after coming to terms with this were pretty much just denial.

There's no way you like Stephen.

You can't like Stephen, he's your best friend!

Omg, I like Stephen..

It was a continuous cycle, and it sucked because I didn't want feelings. Usually, people don't particularly fight these types of things, but I had just gotten free of an ex boyfriend who constantly tried to torment me and my friends, I wasn't ready to love anyone, especially since this particular ex had been my first love.

Stephen was refreshing to me. When I talked to him, I didn't feel pressured into liking him, in fact as I said, I didn't think romantically of him at all. But when I did fall for him, I was shattered. The only thoughts that ran through my head were negative. The main one that stuck out though was

What have I done?..

Again, I know it's pretty strange to question these things like that, but believe me when I say this.

I. Didn't. Want. To. Love. Him. This. Way.

Stephen means the world to me, and nothing has been more important than our friendship. I lied awake for several weeks just crying and hating myself for allowing this to happen. Just like me, Stephen is awkward as hell. I was so afraid of chasing him away. I wanted to tell him though. I felt he deserved to know.