Just Talkin'

I thought that I could be enough

You ever just sit back and think about how you were totally wrong about something? Even when you were thinking, "wow, maybe this is correct." Well, I'm going through something similar.

I just got over Stephan; I woke up one day and decided that it would be better off. I'm happy, I really am... but there's this part of me that's just mocking me, teasing at the fact that I truly thought there was something there.

You know it still stabs at my heart from time to time? I think he's with a friend of mine, and I'm happy for both Stephan and.. let's just call her Mary. I think Stephan and Mary would be awesome together, but that doesn't stop the pain. I'm over him, but it's the fact that I thought I could have that with him one day, and I wasn't enough.

I thought that I could be enough.

Now that line right there, that may be familiar to you if you're familiar with the Hamilton musical. A song that's not in the musical, called First Burn, well there's a cover of it by Annapantsu, you really should check it out. At the end...

"I thought that I could be enough.."

That hits me at how true that is for me. I relate to that line more than I'd like to admit. I don't want a relationship with him anymore but when I see Stephan and Mary together, I'm reminded that pretty recently, just days ago, I wanted that more than anything. I was reminded that because of my stupidity and naïveté, I lost the interactions I had with Stephan.

We were never awkward together, there was no strain on our interactions once we became close. I could hug him, lean on him.. hell, I could've grabbed his hand and it wouldn't be weird!!

But then I messed up. Now our friendship is hanging by a thread, and I honestly don't know how I feel. That part that teases me reminds me that at one point I cared... but the other part of me... it's telling me to just let him go completely.

I loved him once.. that piece of me will always love him, but I just don't think I could ever resort to that ever again. He's a great guy, I got to witness that before things turned to shit. But, he's just not a great guy towards me the majority of the time.

He's never mean to me, he just... basically we are strangers when at the beginning of the year we were inseparable. It's funny how life turns out. Funny how people change.

But even as I lie here thinking about how happy I am and how I finally moved on, that one line still lingers in my cerebellum...

I thought that I could be enough..