Just Talkin'

Early Morning

My eyes flutter open as a light shines in my eyes, willing me to rise. I can feel the familiar grogginess within me start to come out as well, and with a gentle stretch I blink and take in my surroundings.

For one, the blinding light in my eyes was actually my phone. I forgot to turn the brightness down and I fell asleep to the sound of ASMR. That realization made me search my ears to ensure both earbuds were intact. Sure enough, they were.

So, I pulled them out and searched for their case. It took me a few seconds to find it as it was behind me this time. Once they were secured in their case, I sat there and truly let my mind wander, and this is what came to me.

It's no secret to those who are closest to me that I am in love with someone far out of my reach. He is my first thought in the morning, and my last before I slip into dreamland as I recall my faint memories before unconsciousness. It's always him.

It's no surprise that I sit here wondering what he's doing right now. I always wonder what he's up to. With a schedule as busy as his, there's no telling how much rest he is actually getting or if he's overworking himself yet again (a common occurrence for every comeback). But there's this gnawing in my stomach.

Guilt.

I feel guilty about two things. The first being, I'm with someone who I could never love. He's a wonderful guy, very sweet, but he will never have my heart. He will never have a fraction of my love. I feel sorry because I can tell he is pretty smitten, but I just don't feel that way. It's not his fault he's unfortunate enough to date me. I warned him, though I know he never takes me seriously even with the signs in front of him.

The second regret is, well.... I'm with someone. I regret this because, I feel in some way that I'm betraying the one I really love. He doesn't know of my existence and perhaps never will, but I try not to dwell on it. But, it pains me to see his face and know that if I met him tomorrow and he asked me to be with him, I could not tell him the answer I've been wanting to tell him for years because I decided to take a chance on a relationship I'm not happy in. And to think of his bright smile faltering as I have to tell him to wait while I gently end what was never meant to be, the mere thought makes me want to curl in a ball and sob for hours. He'd be too nice to let me do that, maybe even tell me to keep going. You'll regret losing this guy just to go with me, don't leave him. He'll treat you much better than I ever could. And I'd listen, because I've already lost the one I truly love at that point.

Maybe these feelings are intrusive and dark. Maybe I shouldn't let these fester silently in my head. But, I cannot seem to let them go. They are what invade me every day that I am left inside my head with no one to pull me out and bring me back to reality. They are part of my life and my own personal burden to bear.

As I sit here and dwell on these thoughts, I suppose I'll have to end this pointless chapter in my book of talking. So, I will say to whoever reads this that I hope you never have to feel the things that I feel.