The True Alpha // jjk

44: Stargazing

"That would be a dream." Hani's voice awakened Jungkook from his flustered state. His eyes were wide open, like a little puppy, looking at her and at the words she said. "They'd get a nice lake in summer, be able to watch the wildlife blossom during spring, play in the fallen leaves during autumn and watch snow fall in winter. I'd love that."

Jungkook was smiling. Not smiling. Glowing. Like he had become his own little star. His heart skipping in his chest with excitement, happiness, hope. Hope for a future he never thought he would have. He was reminded of all those sleepless nights back at his room in Namjoon's old pack. The endless ticking hours of just pain, sadness, regret, hatred. Hatred for so much that it had become the only emotion Jungkook could portray. How hard he hated his life, he hated what he had become. How he blamed the stars, the moon, the heavens for plotting his life to be this way. To lose his family – his everything – just so that he could gain power. Jungkook never wanted power, he never wanted to rule or to win. He just wanted a family. He just wanted to be loved. For so long, he wondered what he had done wrong to trigger the ruin that his life had become. Until she came.

Somehow, stopping the avalanche of nightmares, mistakes and regrets with her simple existence. Instead, giving him hope, love, a home. Giving him a second chance at life – at a happy life. A life in which he was proud of himself and of his path, where he made no mistakes, had no regrets; there was no hatred or pain, just her and him. Sleepless nights no longer existed since he fell asleep so peacefully when he was next to her. Nightmares of his past had been replaced with dreams of his future. Now, looking at her and the way her eyes portrayed the most beautiful form of love, he thanked the heavens, the stars, the moon for giving him this life. A life that, although had taken so much from him, was, slowly, giving him them back through her.

Jungkook had thought that "power" had come to replace "family"; that the two concepts couldn't co-exist. She proved him, once more, how wrong he was. That power can be found in family. That's why Jungkook had been picked. A power that comes from a source of love, of care – is a power one must share, a power meant to thrive. A power that, in some ways, comes along to defeat another one. One that does not come from love but from hatred. Not from a need to protect but from a need to destroy.

Jungkook was going to use his power to build, to create – a family.

Then, just as Jungkook cleared all the remains of his past away from his heart, ready to embrace the future that laid ahead of him. Hani spoke. Pronouncing the exact words he wanted to hear, that he needed to hear to completely leave everything behind him. Those were the words that made the course of Jungkook's life change. Those were the words that he would hold on to in order to live another day.

"I'd love to have a family with you, Jungkook"

Hani was smiling, her cheeks gently decorated with a pink tone, shiny eyes and her teeth in full shown. Jungkook was starstruck, his eyes wide open, his heart beating against his ears. Time had stopped around him. All the hatred and pain he had felt crumbling down to his feet.

In his eyes, Hani glowed. Glowed brighter than all the stars he had seen. Almost like she had a shining aura around her. One a star, who once had fallen out of the sky, would carry if they lived on earth. And sometimes, Jungkook believed she was a star.

A star that the moon goddess had sent to him to light up the darkest of his sides. A star to guide him when the night was the darkest. Or simply a star that he could look at for hours and never get bored. A star to fall in love today, tomorrow and each day he laid eyes on it.

Stargazing. That's what being in love with her felt like.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾

That night, after Hani and Jungkook went back inside, something special happened. As Jungkook slept profoundly, his whole body wrapped around Hani, a dream came to him. Not just a dream. A dream that he hadn't had in so long, so, so long. A dream with people whose features, he was sure time had erased from his mind. However, he remembered them all to the tiniest of details. That night, Jungkook dreamt of his mom.

Little Jungkook and his mom were sitting in the makeshift backyard of their small cabin. They were sitting on the grass facing each other, a small candle lighting up the small flower ornaments that Jungkook was helping his mom make.

It was really late, Jungkook was tired. Carefully, he placed the new arranged flower bouquet next to the others. He let out a deep breath and let his body fall on the soft grass. His mother chuckled at him, knowing that although he was tired, he would refuse to go to bed until his father arrived.

Jungkook's eyes were focused on the night sky above him. With his index finger and one of his eyes closed, he traced the stars as if he was the one that was drawing them on the sky. From afar, his mother looked at him tenderly. She quickly finished arranging the flower piece that she was making before calling it a day.

"What are you looking at?"

She asked as she laid down next to her son.

"The stars"

"They are pretty, right?"

"Mom" Jungkook asked, looking at his mom with curious eyes. "Why do people guide themselves through the stars? Why do we look at them for answers?"

"They shine even when the night is dark, or cold, or cloudy" His mother replied, gently brushing his longs bangs from his face. "If the stars can shine bright even when the night is dark... why can't we too? Why can't we too find small specks of happiness in our own lives. Or give specks of happiness to others? I think that's why people rely everything on the stars. They give us hope"

"Hope?"

The little boy's big doe eyes were shining at his mother, enjoying the way she always had the right answers – to even the hardest of his questions.

"Yes, hope. Life is hard, Jungkook"

"Mom! But I'm strong"

The little boy, suddenly, stood up. He had a determinate gaze in his eyes, a fierce look in them.

"I know you are. But even the strongest, sometimes buckle under the pain of life." Jungkook's mom smiled lovingly at her little brave boy, she too, now standing up. "The stars give us hope that we can have a good, happy life in the midst of all the pain that comes with it"

Jungkook was young, naïve. Too excited with the world to understand how many scary things were hidden in it as well. For as much as he tried, the little boy couldn't understand why his mother said stuff like that. How she talked about pain in life and sadness. Jungkook only knew the love they gave him, the happiness of chasing after a rabbit or the feeling of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. He knew nothing about pain. He knew nothing about the world. To him, the world was good, full of adventures.

Jungkook's mother delicately and tenderly caressed Jungkook's face. Her hands were warm against his skin, her dark eyes were pouring love into him. She smiled softly, to which Jungkook smiled back.

"Life will be hard, Jungkook." She said, her voice so sweet and silk, able to calm even the wildest of the hearts. "As hard as it might get, as it might become... I hope that you, like the stars, can still shine brightly. That you can find happiness, love and hope. Jungkook, don't let pain stop you from seeing how beautiful life can be, okay? Find happiness."

The long-lost memory ended there. Jungkook abruptly got up from the bed. His heart beating fast in his chest, his breathing heavy. How could he have forgotten that day?

Why did his mind proposedly choose the memories that hurt him the most over the ones he truly wanted to remember?

Jungkook's hand reached for the place in his chest that shielded his heart, as if to make sure it was still beating. Then, it all crumbled on him. The memories of his mom and his dad, their words, his little sibling, his dreams, the plans he had made. How he forgot about all of that. How he had chosen to focus instead on anger and pain. That all made him add more sins to his grave, more regrets and more nightmares. All things that he was sure that his parents would never want him to do. So much of his life had been centered around his pain, instead of what he could do to replace that feeling in his heart with something better. So much tears, so much blood. Assuming that he was doing it for his parents, that this was all so that he could avenge them. Yet, all his parents wanted was for him to be happy.

Tears. Quiet tears were running down his face. Yet, he smiled.

In the midst of the silence of the night, Jungkook talked to his mom. Only one sentence falling repeatedly off his lips.

"Mom, I found the speck of happiness"