and I stand with you

twenty-four

"Fred, stop!" I giggled, pushing him from me in bed. He kept giving me butterfly kisses, despite my attempts to get away.
"Shh, someone is going to hear us!" I stared at my bedroom door.
"You mean Draco?" He frowned, knowing something had happened between us. I hadn't told him yet, because I didn't want to upset him.
"Yes, Draco. And the rest of the family. God forbid-" I immediately shut up when Draco burst into my room, shutting the door behind him and covering it with his body.
"Speak of the devil." Fred muttered, moving away from me.
"You need to go." He pointed at Fred, and then looked at me in disgust and horror.
"Draco, what's going on?" I stood, walking over to him.
"Get the fuck out!" He yelled at Fred, who stood up and quickly aparated out.
"Draco!" I hit his chest, but his eyes were frantic.
"What's going on?" I asked him.
"You can never invite him over. Again. Stop seeing him." He shook his head, and I reached out to touch him but he swatted my hand away.
"Yeah, what the fuck ever, Draco. Get out." I hissed at him, pushing him. He rolled his eyes and slammed the door behind him as he left. I knew he was right though, I just didn't want to admit it. So, with every ounce of compassion I had left, I took out my parchment and started writing to him.

Dear Frederick
I love you. I have always loved you, and I probably always will. You've been the best friend I've ever had, and I know it was never official, but you were the best boyfriend as well. I would do anything to take this pain away, to make it stop. I would do anything to go back, so I wouldn't have to be writing this letter today. In a different life, we found each other, we fell in love, slowly but then all at once. We lived out our lives together, in a big home with lots of children and all of their friends. We taught them how to be great witches and wizards.

I started to tear up, but I wiped it away and ignored it.

We taught them everything about us. Our great story. I took your last name, and our whole family was a bunch of little Weasley boys and girls with ginger and white hair. Piercing blue eyes, because there's no way you don't pass that on to your kids. You will pass that on to your kids, I just won't be there. That's what life is like in a different life for us. That's what I like to think.
I will never forgive myself for doing this. For accepting the black Mark, for selling my life away to the dark lord. But I had to, you see. I had to. And your life will be better with me not around. I just want you safe. Please don't write back.
I will miss you, but this needs to be done. We need to be done. For forever.
I am sorry.
Octavia Black

Quickly, as to not change my mind, I sent the letter.

Now, I was utterly alone.

Before, I had Draco, and Fred was always there as well. Now, Draco couldn't even speak to me, and I had just cut ties with Fred completely. I stared at the ring, debating wether to take it off or not. Slowly, I slid it off, and unhooked my necklace. I stared at them in my hands, before sliding them into the drawer of my desk, pulling on a jumper and heading down to dinner.

We all sat in silence, Draco giving me side glances at the table.
"You're not wearing the necklace you usually wear, dear, is it broken?" Narcissa asked, and her perception was on point.
"No, I just didn't want to wear it anymore." I told her, which wasn't the truth. I couldn't handle wearing it anymore.
"Well, I have plenty you could have." She smiled at me and I picked around my plate before asking to be excused.

I was always exhausted.

I couldn't remember a time when I wasn't tired.

I fell asleep for a while, but that never lasted long. In the middle of the night, just as the sun was beginning to come up, I woke up breathless again. I pulled a cardigan over my pajamas and crept onto the balcony, hoping to feel something other than anything I was currently feeling. I pushed everyone away, and for what?

But as always, I remembered it was for their safety.

For the rest of the day, I sat out on that balcony, staring out at the endless void that was the forest that surrounded the manor. Birds flew in and out of trees, chirping as they landed on different branches. My thoughts were interrupted by the balcony door opening, Draco coming out into the darkness with me.
"Where have you been all day?" He didn't look at me, and I knew he didn't want to.
"Nowhere." I shrugged, and he sat on the edge next to me.
"I'm sorry." He mumbled.
"Don't be." I shrugged that off, as well.
"Why did you take it off?" He pointed to my neck.
"I cut connections with him." I whispered, looking down at my lap.
"It's for the best." He assured me, taking my hand.
"I think you were just jealous." I snorted. He rolled his eyes again and pulled his hand away. He could be so hot and so cold, and it switched with a drop of a hat.
"Stop doing this Draco. I can't handle much more." I sighed, standing up and leaving him out in the cold night air. I pulled on some boots just as he entered behind me.
"Where are you going?" He flopped on my bed.
"Anywhere but here." I mumbled.
"Let me come with you." His eyes were soft now, not so accusing.
"Draco, just stop." I didn't look him in the eyes, and he stood and grabbed my shoulders. This felt all too familiar as we twisted around, falling to the ground in the same place as before. This time though, Draco was just as hurt as I was. I didn't care about my own wounds, and hurried to fix him and make him whole again.
"I'm so sorry." I cried, waving my wand over his skin.
"You have to stop doing that." He groaned, sitting up once he was better.
"Stop following me." I wiped away the tears before he could say anything, getting up and walking away from him.
"Octavia!" He followed though, against my direct wishes.
"Draco!" I shouted right back at him, shoving him away.
"Fucking stop!" He grabbed my wrists, pulling me into his chest.
"I'm here, okay?" He stopped yelling, he hand on the back of my head to keep me in place.
"I'm always here." He whispered.
"Except you're not!" I pushed him away, and he looked shocked.
"You're here with me now, but what about tomorrow? What about when you decide you don't like me again? I can't stand the constant back and forth, Draco. You're breaking me apart." I didn't cry this time, I was better than that.
"I'm sorry!" He yelled, running his hand through his hair.
"You have to do better than that!" I yelled back, and he pulled me into his chest, placing his soft lips on mine, holding my face with both of his hands. When he pulled away, we were both breathless.
"I want you, Octavia. I couldn't stand seeing you with Fred. Don't you get it?" He pulled away from me this time, and cold greeted my body once again.
"Draco, you don't know what you're saying.' I said quietly, as if he would explode if I said it any louder.
"Yes I do, Octavia. Yes, I fucking do. There is nothing I want more than to be with you, you are the only thing that has gotten me through this." He pulled me into him once more, kissing me again. When we pulled apart this time, I realized he had brought us to his bedroom.
"Just, stay with me, okay? Stay with me, and I'll show you how much I need you. How much I want you." He pushed me backwards onto the bed, and I gave in.
"Talk to me, Draco." I said between kisses.
"I don't want to talk right now." He kicked his shoes off, rolling on his side on the bed.
"You need to. If this- whatever this is- is going to work, you need to talk to me." I slid under his comforter after kicking off my own shoes, and he did the same.
"Okay, let's talk."