You Accepted Me!

Kit's Breakdown

Phana drove them to the beach. They rented a cabana and changed. Out on the beach, stretched out on the sand, Kit started talking. Pha held his beer and didn't say anything. From past experience, he knew Kit rarely let his emotions out, so this would be an all or nothing talk.

"Pha, do you remember that kid from High School? I don't..." Kit sighed, "But that kid keeps talking to me like he knows every part of what we did in high school. What was he, my stalker. It makes me so uncomfortable. He even knew I had a crush on Beam!"

Pha shifted slightly, wondering if he should say something when Kit continued, "I was doing good, really I was! I was working hard on school and getting over my feeling about Beam. Then this kid pushes into my life and forces me to notice him. He wants me to spend time with him and it scares me."

Kit's trailing his hand in the sand, making nonsense designs and smoothing them over. Phana wonders if he realizes every so often he spells out Ming's name.

Kit's still speaking, "So one day he comes to me and says, 'let's make a bet.' It's like he knows I can't resist a bet. How can he know that? I take the bet. He's not as good looking as you, nor Forth or Beam. He can't possibly win Moon of the Year, so I figure it's a safe bet."

Phana resists the urge to smile. Kit really is blind. Ming is the best looking kid in his year. He's lucky that Ming wants him so badly that he's willing to fight through his crusty exterior. He speaks up now, figuring it's safe to do so, "So is this where you screwed up?"

Kit glances at him, "Oh hell no! Wait... The bet was dinner at the fancy restuarant I asked you about. If I won, no dinner and Ming would forever leave me alone. But I lost so I had to go to dinner with Ming. On a proper date dinner with him following the moon contest." He groaned and drew his knees to his chest. "Pha, he was a proper gentleman the whole way through dinner but for one thing. He treated me like a fucking girl! A girl!"

Phana could now see tears standing in his eyes. "And this was a problem how?"

"Don't you see? My self confidence took a hit!" Kit began to cry, the tears were slowly rolling down his face. "I know I'm small compared to Beam and you, but I'm still a man. I've got muscles and a cock. They work just fine, you know." He tucked his face into his knees and his shoulders shook as the tears fell.

Fainter now, "Why am I the one who is treated as the weaker sex because I'm smaller? But wait, I'm not done yet. Remember, I said, it was to be a proper date..." Kit's voice cracked here and he went silent.

Phana reached over and rubbed his back, trying to give both comfort and encouragement. Where was Beam when he needed him? Oh right, they had fucked this up badly and Beam was pissed at them both...

Kit sighed and lifted his head. "Pha, if I asked you to kiss me, would you?"

"What the fuck, Kit?" he moved his hand off of Kit and sat back, staring at him. "You'll need to explain that a bit better." He felt completely lost now.

"Ming kissed me." Kit blurted out. "A lot. I don't know what to make of it because I've never kissed a boy before, only a couple of girls and this was different. So, would you kiss me?" He sighed and looked down at his knees. "I know I'm not Wayo, but if you could kiss Beam for practice, can't you teach me too?"

"Kit, I don't think this is a good idea," Phana looked out over the ocean, thinking of Wayo. It wasn't like he had tons and tons of experience with kissing! Why did everyone think he did? He wasn't some playboy like Beam had been... He'd only kissed four people in his whole life!

Kit looked at Phana, who wasn't even paying him any attention. Fuck this shit! He was tired of being ignored, tired of being thought less of a man, just because he was small! Phana wouldn't kiss him, then he would take what he wanted! He needed to know what he felt last night, he need this kiss, damn it!

Quickly, like a cobra strikes, Kit moved. He pressed his lips on Phana's, and the last thing he saw before closing his eyes, was Pha's huge eyes. He lightened the pressure as Pha didn't fight him, and slowly, sucked in his bottom lip. Pha succumbed to the kiss, letting Kit lead.

Kit gently explored Pha's mouth, first the bottom lip and then, rotating his head, the top lip. He sank back down, and felt defeated. Pha, reached out his index finger and placed it under his pointy chin and lifted his face to meet his eyes.

"So, what did you prove, Kit?"

"I feel nothing for you, Pha. There's nothing, no spark." He said, sadly, thumping his chest. "How much easier my life would be if I could love you, Pha!"

Kit crawled up into Pha's arms and broke down, tears now falling non-stop. "I'm so stupid, Pha! So stupid! I told Mingkwan I felt nothing when he kissed me. I did lie to him because I'm scared." His small body shook violently as he cried.

Pha just held him and let him cry. He, too, had lied to the one he loved. Fear was a hard thing to overcome yet Beam had managed. So why couldn't they?

Once Kit had calmed down, he asked Phana what he was going to do about his situation with Wayo. Phana shrugged. "I'm leaving it for now. I think Beam's right. I need to like who I am first before I can like someone else." He sighed, "Kit, I really don't like myself anymore. I haven't since you two confronted me in that classroom."

Kit watched the waves roll in. "I don't understand why you lied, Pha. Beam and I like you for who you are, not who you will be with."

Pha didn't even look at him. He stared at his toes buried in the sand. "You know my parents have always had issues? My mom was threatening to take me to America from the time I was 13 if I came out as gay. Now I understand it was because they thought Beam and I might become a couple, but still... it scared me." He sighed, "Maybe I should use the word 'scarred' instead."

Kit patted his knee. "I'm sorry for kissing you. I shouldn't have used you like that. Forth would have beaten me to a pulp if I kissed Beam."

Phana laughed, "Putting it lightly, Kit, there wouldn't have been anything left. So, are you going to confess to Ming now?"

Kit went silent and Pha though he wouldn't answer, when, "Not yet. I have some serious self confidence issues to resolve first. I want him, or his body at least. That's all I know so far."

Pha looked at him curiously, "You really don't remember him from high school? He was always with Wayo, but he was surrounded by girls. He was very active in the dating scene back then. There were a lot of odd rumours about the poor kid with money."

Kit laughed, "He's no poor kid, Pha. He's as rich as Beam. I have to learn to hide better until I figure out how to be a man with him!"