Behind the cold façade stands my weak self. Sometimes I'm afraid of myself, thanks to the self hatred and depression that came to play again. I'm already dead, I killed me.
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"You know Loki, I'm glad I have you." Chenle whispered out hoarsely as he sat on the cold white tiles of his bathroom floor- ice cold against his flushed sweaty skin.
The boy leaned his head against the wall, eyes screwed shut as the dog rested his chin on Chenle's thigh to stop the trembling of his body.
Burnt out, the exhausted boy let out a wry chuckle that escaped his dry throat. "I'm so pathetic."
As if Loki knew exactly what the words meant, he adjusted himself to nuzzle his head into Chenle's side.
The loneliness was a vice on his heart, squeezing it with just enough pressure to be in constant pain- weight upon his chest that wouldn't stop from pulling him down.
It killed him slowly day by day, taking every ounce of his light to leave him with the depressive darkness shadowing above his head like a merciless cloud.
"It was just a nightmare." He told himself as if it would make him believe it. "A nightmare." He repeat- clutching the material of his grey shorts in his white knuckled fist.
One moment Chenle felt nothing, detached from his emotions yet the next it all started to avalanche down on him relentlessly.
What was he even living for? What did he have left? What was his purpose here?
Those were questions he often thought of, wondering why he kept living in such pain everyday.
"I don't want this life, let go of me!" The Fifteen year old boy screamed out with everything he had, voice bouncing off the walls- the years of torture and mental abuse that had sliced his heart open.
Bloody wound mangled with the pain clutching and clawing at him. Stabbing constantly mercilessly as if he wasn't hurt enough. Knives of abuse, shards of trauma driving in and out of his body relentlessly.
Hands held him back, his Father's bodyguards as Chenle had sweat beading down his porcelain skin- slitted eyes directed at the man that caused his life to end up this way. Rage fuelled tears shining at his broken eyes.
A wicked smile etched on his lips, curving up at the sight of his Son completely shattering under the years of agony.
"Are you happy?!" He screamed out, attempting to lunge at the man sitting at his grand desk, laid back as if nothing affected him.
Chenle was held back harshly as he thrashed out, an animalistic growl emitting from his hoarse throat.
"It's all your fault" His voice was thick, croaking out his next words with gritted teeth. "You killed me, I'm dead."
He clenched his fist tighter, white knuckled as he harshly drove his head back so it hit against the wall with a thump.
Again, he hit his head against the wall with his teeth gritted and eyes sewn tightly shut.
Unable to breathe, claws of his past grasping onto his lungs and seizing the ability to suck in the gulps of air.
Pulse thumping against his ears and knocking at his ribcage, the room spinning and blurred vision.
Gasping out, eyes flinging open as he scurried up to his feet- disoriented.
Panting out through the roughness of his throat, blinking furiously as he stumbled over to the sink and lifting his gaze to look at himself.
From tugging at his roots, his hair became disheveled, his white muscle fit tshirt clinging to every part of his upper body as sweat sheened over his skin.
Leaning over the sink with his palms gripping the rim of it so tight his knuckles turned white.
Everytime he stared into his eyes all he saw was his Father's staring right back at him. As if he could picture the way he smirked so wide or the merciless laugh he let out as his son repeatedly got beaten up.
"Why don't you love me? Why can't you just treat me like your son!" Chenle wailed out at 11 years old.
How naïve.
Chenle let out a breathy scoff, lips tugging up in amusement at his past self who pleaded on his knees for someone to help him.
Someone to let him out of the cage that trapped him in such agony he couldn't explain.
His smirk grew bigger until laughter bubbled bitterly at his chest- spilling from his lips. Absolutely losing his mind as he delved deeper into the memories.
The laughter drew louder until he couldn't stop it- stumbling out of the bathroom into his room. A fit of manical laughter surged through him, insane to the bone.
His laughing stopped, his hand coming in contact with his desk- completely wiping everything from it in a flash of anger.
The large impacted sound thundered through the house, making Seowoo jolt in the living room as she watched a movie with a few others.
Confused, she glanced at Donghyuck and Seyeon who tensed up and shared a knowing look.
"What was that?" Seowoo asked yet no one spoke, as if this had happened before.
Before anyone could reply, the white dog came full force down the steps in a hurry- barking at the group desperately to get their attention.
He ran over to Seowoo, tugging at her sweatpants to urge her upstairs. The girl's eyebrows furrowed as an angry yell echoed from upstairs.
"Is it Chenle? Wait what happened-" "Leave it Seowoo, just... just let him be." Heejin trailed off quietly at the end.
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