safety pin

Chapter 27

• S t e v e n •

I grew up in what you may call difficult circumstances where I couldn't afford the simplest things and my dreams were constantly being crushed by the hands of fate and my own family. Having to climb my way until I reached this point in my life had put me through hell, to say the least. I didn't like being the rich snob, I know how it feels like to have nothing and that was enough for me to not let my success get over my head.

But never in all these difficult times of my life have I stopped myself and asked,

Am I making a huge mistake?

Because that's a question I kept trying to push away from the top of my mind, but each time I try to do so, it comes back to taunt me even more.

Ever since we've started to hang out more and she decided to trust me and let me in...it's like I'm seeing her as a whole new person that made every single bad thing I experienced in my life disappear, without her even knowing about them.

But then I saw the look on her face today, and all I wanted to do is to reach out and hug her, to tell her that I'm not the asshole I claim to be. God, it broke me to find her shutting me out again, as if everything I did to reach a certain place in her life disappeared the second I looked at her.

She built up walls even greater than the ones she had before...and it's all my fault.

"I would let you in, but since we don't want to rush things and all..." I heard Deja say, bringing me back to reality as I was right in front of her house. I glanced at her to find that she was already staring, as if waiting for me to state my mind. I just stared back, mentally hoping that this would help decide what I want in any way.

But I already knew what I wanted, didn't I?

My hand reached for her right cheek to caress it lightly. "Maybe some other time."

"Alright. Goodnight." She smiled sweetly in understanding, then she got out of the car. Even though I watched her as she safely entered the building, I didn't move an inch.

I felt conflicted, that no matter what I do or say, there's always a wrong move waiting for me at the end of the line.

"What the hell." I said to myself, as I reached for the car's cupboard and took out what I was keeping there for the long run.

I studied the cigarette and the small box of matches that I placed on the palm of my hand with piercing scrutiny.

Five freakin' years...about to literally go up in flames if I lit this cigarette up right now.

But, somehow, this didn't scare me anymore. I felt indifferent as I took out a match and lit it up by the box. The fire immediately obscured my sight.

Last chance to abort, I thought.

With shaky breath, I moved the match slowly to the end of the cigarette that was around my lips, the smell already filled my lungs.

I groaned loudly as I realized that I was still in front of her house and that I needed to move before I start looking like a stalking psycho.

I wasn't ready to go home yet, and being the lonely loser that I am, I have no one to hang out with. Sure, I got some guy friends here and there, but I'm in no mood to be socially drained...more than I already am. So, I kept driving aimlessly through the city with no destination and a lot to think about, despite how much I try to push my thoughts away.

My mind wondered idly as to why things started to get this complicated all of a sudden.

She deserves the finest things in life, and as much as I want to be the one to give them to her, why do I feel like I shouldn't?