Written For

Chapter 20 ~ Self Inflicted Despair

5th of June 1796

~Y/N's pov~

Everything was so bare. The emptiness of the room was so consuming that I felt as if my very soul had melted into my surroundings. The room was small, the walls a plain white and the only furniture was the bed I sat upon.

There was a window, but hardly any light passed by due to the thinly spaced bars covering it. It was dim and cold inside, the silence of everything leaving me to my own devices.

I didn't know were Caroline was, which made me feel as if I had failed her. I promised myself that she would never have to meet George and yet she was now somewhere else with him. I didn't know what was going to happen to me, it felt as if I was being punished or rather prepared. I listened in my history classes as a child, and knowing the Royal family I didn't have many days left.

But I wasn't scared of dying, rather relieved. Soon I wouldn't have to care, I wouldn't have the guilt and responsibility of my children but rather peace of mind. It was sad that I could only have this at my untimely demise but something was so peaceful about the very thought of death.

I was just happy I didn't have to sleep with George anymore. I may be in pure isolation but at least I didn't have to show any more affection to him. I smiled slightly lying down on the plain white sheets. I buried my face into the pillow and breathed in slightly. I noticed something off about the smell of the pillow, it wasn't bad just familiar. I quickly flinched away realising who's pillow it was.

It was sickly that he would even make me use his pillow. Out of all the pillows he could've used in England he decided to go the creep route and give me his. I quickly picked up the pillow and tossed it across the room. Who needed a pillow to sleep?

I laid back down and pulled the blanket closer to my chest. The ringing in my ears from the silence made me feel calm, I closed my eyes and hugged the blanket even tighter.

"Y/N!!!!" My eyes quickly opened at the sudden burst of sound. I turned my head and saw George at the door. "Morning love, did you have a good sleep?" George questioned. I stared at hun blankly and turned my head back towards the mattress. I covered my ears with the blanket and closed my eyes.

"Y/NNNN-" George called out as his footsteps became closer and closer. I pulled the blanket over me tighter and felt two hands grab my waist in either side. I flinched sideways slightly and felt a weight on me. The blanket over my head was pulled away and George stared down at me smiling. "Found you!" He cheered.

I struggled slightly and he chuckled turning me around so that I was facing him. "Look at you, you're all wrapped up like a little baby." He smiled. I glared at him, angered by his actions and moved even more aggressively. "Where's Caroline?" I asked spitefully. George giggled and pushed me slightly as he laid next to me. "You mean our daughter? Well, she's very happy indeed. She's sleeping in Matilda's old room and I think she quite likes it." He remarked.

I scoffed and moved my elbow towards George. He saw this and moved his hand to stop me. "How violent you've become love, those Americans are a really bad influence aren't they?" He spoke softly. I scoffed slightly and pouted. "I'm just angry that you stole my child from me!" I hissed. George smiled again and pinched my cheek.

"Ah yes, my child, in which I'm the father to. I stole her." He replied sarcastically. I glared at him even angrier. "You're a horrible person George, what makes you think you're going to provide the best for Caroline?" I spoke spitefully. George chuckled and pat my head. "Your know Y/N, I don't think it's my parenting that we should be worrying about but rather yours." He replied. I furrowed my brow and looked at him confused. "What do you mean?" I questioned.

George wrapped his arms around me again and moved his mouth towards my ear. "Maybe you should go and talk to Frederick and see what he has to say? I wonder what he'd do when he finds out what you tried to do to him when he was a baby?" He chuckled. My eyes widened and my head flinched.

"You wouldn't! Y-you know I didn't mean to hurt him, I was just scared." I argued back. "So scared you were willing to kill him? Y/N as much as I do love you, your logic is often flawed." He chuckled. I felt guilt overwhelm me and I shook my head. "It was years ago George! I love him, he's my son." I spoke stressfully. George sighed and sat up.

"Years ago? Y/N less than a year ago you were ready to kill him for your own selfish needs, you may not like to admit it but you're not as saint-like as you wish." He replied. I looked up at him and felt small droplets of water in my eyes. I didn't even know what to say, or rather my heart was too sore to say anything.

I closed my eyes slightly and let my tears flow. I have always felt guilty for what I had done and now I realised how horrible I've treated Frederick. I moved my hands towards my face and shielded my eyes away from George. I then felt two arms wrapped around me again causing me to open my eyes.

I felt the tears in my eyes settle slightly as I saw George's face rested on my shoulder. He smiled and buried his face near my neck. I didn't want to cry but I didn't know-how. And rather than blocking out my feelings, I left them on display, making myself vulnerable to George's love. I closed my eyes again and revelled in the warmth George supplied me.

It was just like our wedding night, except this time the pain I had was brought upon to me, by my very self.