anguish// 5SOS

21

Saffron

"Thankyou for having us,"

"Breakfast was lovely,"

"Yes! I hope we can come again. See you tomorrow Saffron,"

"Bye," I giggled, shutting the car door as they left.

I'd woken up in a good mood, being surrounded by my new friends, and it was refreshing. The chill in the air made me alert, and there was almost a bounce in my step.

Today felt like a day I could cope.

Like a day I could accept my best friend was gone.

To embrace the love she gave me instead of notice the lack of it in my life anymore.

It wasn't going to get easier than this. The grief would never end, but today it wouldn't consume me. No. Today I looked it right back in the eye and tortured it with the genuine happiness I felt today.

I was stronger than this.

Than grief.

It was hard to describe it. To me, it was a ball of thick fog that crept up on you, dispersing itself through your body to clog up the system. To stop you functioning. Sometimes it only made it to my stomach, other times my chest, and occasionally my brain. They were the worst days.

It had not been long, not even two weeks, so I couldn't say the fog was permanently out of my brain, but I hoped. I'd fought grief with my bare hands to get here.

Not perfection, but a smidge of inner peace. It had taken me long enough.

"It sounds like you had a good time,"

"Yeah. Thankyou for letting me do this. It must be weird to have a teenager all of a sudden,"

"It is a bit, but I've looked after Alec plenty of times, so it's not live I've never been in charge of a kid,"

"He's a genius,"

"I know, he is really smart," he chuckled, "Luke and Sierra are too, they just don't show it like Alec. He gets so excited bless him,"

"He'll be helping me at school,"

"Yeah, maybe. By the way, if your grades drop a bit that is totally okay. I'm not expecting you to mentally be in a position to work and revise constantly. I start work again tomorrow so we're in the same boat,"

"Good luck,"

"I don't need it, you take it all,"

"That's not... okay," I shrugged.

"My mum has finished your quilt, do you want to pick it up?"

"Yes please,"

"Good, because we are going. You have enough of your own clothes now, haven't you?"

"Yep,"

"Then we are all sorted for school and work. I can pick you up this week, but not the week after so you might want to see if you can get a ride from Zach, or walk with them,"

"Yeah, they'll probably offer,"

"It seems like you've found a good pair of people. Friends are the best,"

"Yeah. I've mainly spoken to Esme... I miss going to school with my old friends everyday,"

"I know sweetheart. I've spoken to Esme's mum a bit, we're going to figure it all out,"

"Thankyou. You do too much for me,"

"As my niece,"- "Fake niece,"

"As my fake niece, it's my duty. Can I not say niece?"

"None of my aunts and uncles would regard me as a niece,"

"But I'm like a cool uncle, right?"

"Fake uncle,"

"I was basically your mum's brother," he said, his voice cracking a bit, "I just... I think of you as my niece. When you came into this world you were so bright and cheerful, and I knew we'd be best friends one day. Never in my life did I think it would end up being like this, but to me you're family,"

"I've barely met you, Cal,"

"Yeah. Sorry,"

I looked at him and he did a recovery cough, then I smirked and shook my head.

"Fine, you can be my uncle,"

"I love you," he sung, sticking his tongue out.

"Love you too,"

"Could you sound any more miserable?"

"Wanna bet?"

"Nope,"

We pulled into the driveway of a small house and he climbed out, not saying whether to follow or not. I did.

As I walked up the drive, I was surprised to see Joy heading towards me, but then remembered my mum probably lived here half the time so I was well known.

"Look at you," she said, cupped my cheeks, "Gosh you're beautiful,"

"Mum, chill,"

"I'm sorry it's just... you look so much like your mum and dad. You're so beautiful!"

"Thankyou,"

"I hope the quilt is okay for you,"

Spontaneously, I hugged her, holding her tightly to me. She'd done something so special for me, and I owed her an amount I knew I couldn't repay.

"It's lovely, mum. You did a great job,"

I took it from Calum and held it close to me, burying my face in all her clothes. It was like one huge hug.

"We should probably get home," he whispered to her, "Thanks. We will visit properly another day,"

"It was my pleasure darling,"

As we drove away, she waved us off, and then I spent the journey looking at the quilt.

There was the floral dress she wore to my last birthday meal.

The green blouse she had for her job interview.

The rainbow top she wore to pride.

Everything on there had a story to tell and it was wonderful. My heart warmed. This is what Luke meant when it got easier sometimes.

"I love it so much,"

"Me too. I might have to have my own cuddle with that,"

"I suggest a group nap," I giggled, "With Ash,"

"You think?"

"I know,"

"Of course you do,"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing,"

"You're cheeky,"

"You can't tell an adult they're cheeky,"

"I can if they're my cool uncle,"

When I said it, a genuine smile travelled from ear to ear, and his eyes got a little brighter. I hadn't realised how much it meant to him.

When we got home, I carried the quilt up the lift and then we entered the apartment, Ash sat on the sofa. I snook behind him and threw it over his head, laughing as he pulled it back off.

"Got you!"

"You did indeed. This is lovely, isn't it?"

"We are having a group nap with it,"

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea you know?"

"I know. I'm good at ideas,"

"Is there anything you're not good at,"

"Lying,"

"That's handy,"

"Unless that was a lie," Calum said, "Which I think might be true,"

"Nope!"

"I'm not fooled. You dont just look like your mum, you act like her too,"