Your Creation • Zarry

77. Fools rush in

I was spending a lot of time sitting around and journaling, just trying to come up with concepts and ideas for my next plan, like Jeff suggested, and the more I thought about what I wanted to do, the more confused I became. I remembered back to all those conversations I had with Camille about being more open, about being vulnerable and breaking down my walls, showing people the real me and how the fans had been nothing short of insanely supportive and loving the entire tour. I kept thinking about all the aspects of me that I had suppressed ever since I started my career eight years ago and wondered if it would even be possible to show those parts of me.

I decided that after this tour was over that I really needed to do some soul searching and figure out who I even was and what kind of person I wanted to be, because I felt like there were some major things in the way of keeping me from growing as a person and I could feel them haunting me like ghosts. I ended up approaching Jeff after the night of my show in Seattle.

"I've been thinking about my next plan," I said to him.

"Okay, and what are you thinking?"

"What is the probability of Columbia being cool with me being more...out?"

"Out as in..."

"Out as in being a little more, uhh, sexually ambiguous?" I clarified.

"How so? Like...with how you dress?"

"Yeah, I mean, that's part of it. Like, if I wanted to paint my nails or wear a dress or something or like, if I wanted to put men in my music videos...would the label freak out? Is that too much?" I asked, kind of hating that asking if I could be myself was something I had to get clearance for.

"If that's what you really want to do then we'll make it work," Jeff answered, putting an arm around me. "They love you. The fans seem supportive. I think you can get away with it."

I felt really lucky to have such a great manager and friend like Jeff, and to have a team of people that were so understanding and supportive of me as an artist and as an individual and I kept thinking about how I wished that was the case for Zayn.

I laid in bed that night with a mixture of emotions, trying to meditate and calm my mind when I got a call from Zayn around midnight.

"Hey babe," he greeted me. "How are you?"

"I'm alright."

"You sound sad. What's wrong?" he asked.

"I don't know, I've just got like, so much going on in my head. I can't seem to shut my brain off," I replied, shifting under the covers. "Plus I miss you."

"I miss you too," Zayn said. "Wish I could be there with you, holding you close."

"It's been ages," I responded, frowning to myself.

"I know. I'm losing my mind without you," he said, followed by a short silence between us.

"Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you always love me?" he asked.

"What do you mean? Why are you asking me this?"

"I mean like, what if something goes wrong? What if in the future something happens and we can't find a way to make this work still. Will you still love me even then? I just can't bare the thought of like, you thinking of me and not smiling a little," Zayn went on.

"Zayn..."

"Never mind, forget I said anything."

"I'll always love you," I replied.

"How do I know that?"

"Because you're such a big part of my life and always have been. Everything reminds me of you, and when I think about myself, I always end up thinking about you too," I said. "You're half of me, remember?" I said reassuringly. "Where is this coming from?"

"I just wanted to know for peace of mind I guess," Zayn answered.

"I didn't perform "Still the One" by the one and only Shania Twain for no reason," I reminded him.

"I did tear up just a little when you did that, not gonna lie."

"You softie," I said, chuckling.

"I actually have a surprise for you as well," Zayn said, and I felt myself start to smile.

"Are you outside my building right now? It's not nearly three yet."

"Harry..."

"Too soon? Sorry."

"You'll see tomorrow," he responded. "I think it'll cheer you up, I hope. But I'm gonna get going. Call me tomorrow if you can. I love you bee."

After saying our goodnights to each other I fell asleep and dreamed about paradise, about that utopian island that we invented long ago, the one that didn't really exist. We grew wings and flew there through the sky, like lost boys returning home to the place where we'd never grow old and everything felt good again and I didn't want to wake up, but I was glad that I did. I signed online and heard the surprise that Zayn said he had for me the next day, which was a cover of "I Can't Help Falling in Love With You" by Elvis Presley, which he knew was one of my favorite songs on my mixtape.

"Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling. Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, for I can't help falling. Like a river flows surely to the sea...darling so it goes. Some things are meant to be. Take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you."

And as I heard his beautiful voice sing this song so exquisitely I just sat there completely frozen, feeling myself melt second by second while chills ran up and down my arms, giving me goosebumps and I cried.