Your Creation • Zarry

23. Coffee and confessions

My phone went off around noon and woke me up. I groaned and searched for it, my eyes barely open as the sunlight streamed in through the window. It hurt; I felt like a vampire. I reluctantly opened my eyes and groaned again, peering around for my phone. I reached over and grabbed it and upon opening up my messages, I saw one from Liam.

Liam: The only thing I understand here is the part where you said you're stupid

What? What was he even talking about? I scrolled up through our conversation and froze, realizing what I had last sent him.

Me: I hate that I still want you. Can we start over? Forget I ever said anything. I'm just stupid Zayn.. promise that nothing will change between us.

Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit! This couldn't be happening. I thought I had texted Zayn, but I had accidentally texted Liam instead because I was a fucking idiot and I immediately felt the urge to crawl inside a hole and die. How could I have been so drunk and stupid? And in the midst of me panicking I heard knocking on my door. I groaned again and closed my eyes, pretending like I didn't hear it, but they knocked again, this time louder. I reluctantly picked myself up off the floor and made my way to the door. I opened the door to see Liam's shining face. Great. I didn't even bother greeting him and made my way back to laying on the floor. Liam then sauntered over and bent down, squatting beside me. I felt him poke me in the stomach.

"Are you alive, mate?"

"I hope not."

"How was your night?"

"It was fabulous, but I really need some coffee."

"I'll get you some coffee but only if you explain what that text you sent me was all about."

Nope. No way. Not a chance. I did not want to explain it at all. What I wanted to do was drink my coffee in peace and pretend like nothing ever happened.

"How about just the coffee?" I attempted to reason with him.

"Hmm, I'm afraid that's not the deal."

Of course not because I knew better. Liam wasn't going to let this one go.

"Alright, fine. Hurry back."

He kindly went off and retrieved me a cup of coffee from the hotel as I picked myself up off the floor once again, trying to figure out how I was going to explain this message. I was sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands when Liam strolled back in. He handed me a large coffee mug and I took a lengthy sip, desperately trying to prolong this inevitable conversation.

"So..." Liam began.

"First of all," I started, adjusting myself uncomfortably. "If you tell anyone I will cut off your bollocks."

Liam's eyes widened.

"Well, okay then...noted."

I took a deep breath and looked down at the floor. Zayn and I had tried so hard to keep this a secret. It had bee the most important part in all of this and the thing we talked about most. It was our first condition we ever made; keep our situation hidden at all costs. At all costs, was the key part of that condition and if I told Liam then I would be betraying Zayn. I felt like complete shit.

"Zayn and I have sort of been...hooking up...like, low-key," I said, not looking up from the floor as I spoke.

"Are you being serious?"

I nodded slowly and picked my head back up to take another long sip of coffee, trying not to make any direct eye contact with him. Liam didn't say anything else at first. He just stared at me blankly. Then, I watched as Liam got up and went over to look out the window across the room.

"Listen. Do you hear that? All that crying? Those are all the Ziam and Larry fans out there. They're just holding each other and sobbing now, all thanks to you."

I couldn't help but snort with laughter into my coffee cup when he said that. I sort of appreciated his attempt at being humorous in light of this situation but it only made me feel better for a split second. Liam walked back over and sat down beside me on the bed, slinging an arm loosely around my shoulder as he spoke.

"Sorry, not trying to be insensitive. Thought I'd crack a joke to lighten the mood. So...that was you the night I heard banging on the walls, wasn't it?"

I just deadpanned him with that look and said nothing else. Did I even have to say it? He already knew the answer so I wasn't even going to confirm it.

"It was. Whoa. So...are you gay? Are you bisexual? Is Zayn?" He questioned all rapid fire like we were in some sort of interview.

"No we're not. It's complicated. I don't really know how to explain it, to be honest. It's just a...weird sort of thing...between us," I answered, finally looking at him and my eyes were still tired and burning.

"Weird. Well, I'm not going to judge either of you on a serious note. I mean, you can be whoever you want, do whatever you want. I don't care, but does anyone else know about this? Don't tell me Perrie knows..."

I shook my head.

"No one knows except for you, but we actually just decided to end it, which was why I sent that text. But I didn't know what I was saying. I was drunk last night."

"Not to shove my opinion in here but it's probably for the best that you both stop and I mean this with love. The only reason I'm even saying this is because if something were to go horribly wrong between the two of you, it could cause some real tension in the band, which would be very, very awkward for all of us."

I sighed. I was more than aware of this fact because it already felt like it was happening to some extent and I hated it. I also didn't want any awkwardness in the band either because I've only ever heard horror stories about relationships that took place in a band that just ruined everything and I didn't want to be that story, plus, awkward tension was the most uncomfortable feeling.

"I know and I don't want to create tension and I definitely don't want to jeopardize the band in any way."

I thought for a moment. Maybe accidentally texting Daddy Direction, as we sometimes called him, the night before was a blessing in disguise, if I looked at it from a different perspective. See, the thing with Liam was, that even as different as we could sometimes be with our opinions and points of view, he was a pretty good friend and he typically had solid advice when he was being serious about something and I appreciated the conversation we were having.

"I mean, this sort of explains a lot now that I'm thinking about it. You and Zayn have always had this strange closeness. We all just took it as you lads being really good mates but, well, that went right over my head didn't it."

Yeah well, it went right over my head too until I woke up to Zayn jerking me off on his couch but I wasn't about to say that out loud.

"I don't want to mess up our friendship in any way and I feel like that's what I'm doing," I said, trying to take the opportunity to open up a little bit about how I was feeling.

"Well maybe you two should sort it out then and come to an agreement. Meanwhile, I won't say anything. I'll pretend like this conversation never happened. And I want to keep my bollocks. I may need them."

After Liam left my room I finished off my coffee and got to thinking some more. Other than the sexual aspect of my relationship with Zayn, the one thing I really didn't want to change was our friendship and I came to the conclusion that despite how I felt on an emotional level, if we were no longer going to be fooling around physically, then I at least wanted he and I to maintain the same energy we've always had together over the years. That was important to me. It was already bad enough that Louis and I had sort of lost that outward energy between us in public due to the fans' fake relationship obsession, but I couldn't let that happen to me and Zayn, especially if it was my fault.