Your Creation • Zarry

18. Broken me

Once we finished the UK leg of tour we had about a week off, so we flew back home to see our families and did some more personal bits of filming for the documentary film. I was really looking forward to a little time off because I really needed to recharge; I had been running on approximately four hours of sleep for months and needless to say, I was exhausted.

I laid on the couch at my mum's home in Cheshire, England after sleeping in until two pm, which I hardly ever did, just scrolling through my phone while she had put the kettle put on. I hadn't heard from Zayn all day and I was feeling a bit bummed about it. Going between these two extremes of seeing each other constantly to not talking much at all was messing with me, because it's like once I got used to a routine, suddenly it would change and I didn't know what to do with myself.

My mum and I sat drinking tea and chatted for awhile about what I had been up to. It was nice to be with her and spend time together. I think she was probably the most important person in my life and I could usually tell her just about anything that was on my mind, well, almost anything. But thing with her was that she could also read me rather well and every time, no matter what I did or didn't say, she always knew when I was somewhere else in my head.

"Are you alright?" she asked, looking a little concerned.

"I don't know. I mean yeah, I guess I'm alright."

"What's on your mind, love?"

Part of me wanted to tell my mum what was really going on, but I just couldn't. It was too unnerving for me to be that honest with her. I knew it would probably help if I talked things out but I couldn't open up about something like what Zayn and I were doing, so I decided to approach the conversation in the best way I knew how - by being as vague as possible.

"You ever get caught up in something that you know is wrong but you do it anyway because it feels right?" I asked.

"Well, that all depends I suppose. Can you be a little more specific?"

I sighed. What was the point of even talking about this when I couldn't be specific? I fumbled around for a few seconds trying to figure out how I was going to approach the topic without giving away too much information.

"Alright, let's say that you fancy someone but it's someone that you know you should not be developing feelings for but you can't help it."

"Like a girl who happens to be in a relationship with someone else?"

A girl. Right. It was natural for people to just assume that everyone's dominant sexual preference was heterosexual wasn't it? I just went with it.

"Yeah, sure. Let's go with that."

"Well I reckon that could be a sticky situation, Harry. Either you learn that the feelings are mutual or you may experience a bit of heartbreak, dear. But if you tell this girl that you fancy her and she doesn't feel the same way, then I suppose it could end up being the clarity you'd need to move on and find someone available who likes you too."

If only my mum knew that it was practically impossible for me to move on from Zayn because by now that was the last thing I wanted to do. It wasn't like I could get away from him anyway. It wasn't like I didn't have to see his pretty face every day. We were in a band together for fuck's sake. All we did was see each other, not to mention our sexual chemistry had the strength of a thousand year old oak tree. So my mum's advice wasn't as helpful as I hoped it would be, but I thanked her anyway.

"Thanks mum. Love you."

She offered me a sweet smile and a warm hug.

"I love you too. Just have fun, Harry. You are so young and you're out there living your dream. Take chances, experience different things and then go write songs about it all. It'll be okay."

And that's the part that really stuck with me on the plane ride to Los Angeles. My head was filled with an array of thoughts as I leaned back in my seat, trying to quiet my mind as much as possible, but it was too loud, and I kept thinking about Zayn and Perrie. I opened up my journal and started jotting down some potential lyric ideas:

You don't understand, you don't understand what you do to me when you hold her hand. I know you're with her but I wonder if she knows that I touched your skin and if she feels traces of me in your hair. Sorry love, but I don't really care.

I looked back at it and knew I'd have to change the pronouns if these lyrics ended up becoming a song at any point, but I wished that it didn't have to be that way, however, saying what I really wanted to say just wasn't an option.

I shut my journal and put my headphones on, deciding to listen to music instead. Music was my therapy, my inspiration, the thing that got me through the day to day minutes of my chaotic life and the soothing voice of Ray Lamontagne was drifting into my soul. I loved Ray and always had. His voice sent me into the clouds somewhere and my favorite song called "Can I stay?" was hitting me differently at that moment.

Can I stay here with you till the morning? I am so far from home and I feel a little stoned. Can I stay here till the morning? There's nothing I want more than to wake up on your floor. Lay with me in your thinnest dress, fill my heart with each caress, between your blissful kisses whisper darling, is this love?

This had always been one of my favorite songs; I even had it tattooed on my arm the previous year. It was beautiful and haunting, desperate and filled with sadness and longing. I liked songs that moved me, even if I didn't know the story and sometimes I couldn't relate to them but this one in particular was now reminding me of Zayn. The lyrics were eerily similar to how I felt then, and it became weird, almost as if I had unknowingly predicted that I would end up here, as if I had penned the song myself. But was it love? Or was I going mad and getting confused. I just knew that it was all becoming too surreal.

When I arrived in LA the first thing I did was attend some work-related meetings. Our management, our publicist Jen, Simon, and all the other higher-ups that I worked for, were always pushing me to network outside of the band, and I think deep down I knew why. Interviewers were always bringing up the idea that the band would end at some point and although we were doing so well, everyone was very focused on making sure that I stood out from the group; that I would be able to hold my own as just Harry Styles. I understood the need for the exposure. I was starting to understand the nature of the business that I was in and success was important to me, but what I really hated was that the other boys didn't seem to receive the same kind of treatment that I did, and I felt guilty.

While I was in LA I was also invited out to dinner by Rod Stewart and his wife, which was really cool. I couldn't turn down a legend like Rod, but when his daughter, Kimberly, showed up, I definitely got the feeling it was a set up or something. I always enjoyed a nice dinner and we had a lovely time, but she had been pretty obviously flirting with me all night. I did my best to be polite and when I was invited back to their house I went, but at some point I found myself a bit tipsy in the bathroom texting Zayn.

Me: Miss you.
Zayn: I miss ya too. Me and you again soon.. Belgium

Wait, what?

Me: What do you mean Belgium? France is next.
Zayn: Perrie's coming to Paris..

Great. Just great. I stood there staring at what he said and felt the jealousy bubbling inside of me again. It frustrated me whenever I got like that; it brought out this level of annoying pettiness, like I kept fighting against this howling beast inside of me that was ruining everything and I couldn't seem to shake it when it came to Zayn. I didn't even bother to text him back after that because I knew whatever I would have said would end up becoming something I'd later regret.

Instead I spent the night trying to drown out my feelings at Rod's house with some glasses of wine and at some point during the night I had made the decision to hook up with Kimberly, since she was practically throwing herself at me and it felt like fun, but it surely wasn't that memorable. I didn't feel anything Earth shattering, just as I hadn't with Chastity from Newcastle and I was starting to think that Zayn had completely broken me.