My (Many) Problems

Fuck

So if you didn't know I'm not posting anymore sorry I just give up but recently someone asked me for my life story and it's long so instead of me sending all of it I'm just gonna post it all here and send this chapter so yeah

I hope no one actually reads this that'll be strange lol
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Hmm so let's start with when I was first born, my mom and dad like just got together she was previously with another guy but when she found out she was pregnant with my dad she whent with him in the end

my mom was actually on dugs (both my parents have a wild past of drug and addiction) when she whent into labor and because of that when I was born I was forced with my mom into rehab for a few months I didn't see her and she couldn't see me while we both where recovering trying to get the drugs out of our systems, my mom told me other moms and grandmas would watch me because she wasn't allowed to she said the doctors and stuff reported of me mainly: twitching, crying more then normal, shaking/shivering, and never sleept really they said due to the drugs in my system.
(To this day I still tik and twitch sometimes, mainly it's studdering that kills me, I hate it people don't take me seriously and people started to tease me and others in school with fake studders. Also I'm not in a good relationship with either of my parents so I don't talk about them often, we get into to many fights, one time my dad even told me my mom was more important, he said even if my mom was abusing me I have no place to even speak up about it to her and just yeah I kinda hate them but that's not important, but one time my friend told me that due to my parental issues and lack of praise and stuff while growing up is probably why I crave soft fluff affection and get embarrassed easily and stuff so yeah that's a random fact i think lol)

My mom and dad got into a lot of fights and all where pretty violent, one time she threw a lava lamp at him (it missed) I remember going to my grandpas house with my mom because they where mad at each other and yeah, wasn't pleasant.

Let's skip to like 8 or so years later, I had a sibling now, one Year younger then me we shared a room but didn't get a long, my best friend was my cousin, my moms sister and her where very close, my cousin and I didn't really like the same things but we where kids so it didn't mater, as a kid I didn't know right from wrong tho.. my cousin ended up kissing me and we ended up making out I thought we where like in a relationship behind our parents back, one night I slept over his house, he had a bunk bed and we slept on top while my sister  was on the bottom, my sister knew we kissed and stuff but didn't care. That night he ended up touching me sexually, he is around my age I don't know how he knew about Thoes kinds of things but as far as it whent was him fingering me, I asked him to stop but he shushed me and told me "it's okay, just be quiet" and my dumbass trusted him. This didn't happen again but he did continue to kiss me and use me, when I learned he got a girlfriend of sorts I got upset and just started distancing myself.

Around this time is also when I have vivid memories of thinking stuff like "how can people fake a smile all day in school? Are they not tired yet?" I never understood it was real I also had thoughts about if I was really a boy and people where lying to me. This was around 5th grade I remeber bathing and finding a small pair of hair sissors and pressing one side of them deeply into my finger tips to the point it left a small bloody gash, I tried to do it daily but it faltered and I gave up.

Flash forward to 7th grade I met my real set of friends (also I got a rabbit named ash)  and I was really a weeb and stuff, at this point in time I got into the habit of self harm multiple and lots of times a day, back then I was a cringy fake tsundere, but I ended up meeting one person kalie-Ann (I'm gonna call her later through the rest) she had her own set of friends but she started talking to me and found herself into my little group, it stayed like this until she got with my childhood friend also known as datotoku, it was weird but I supported them! Until Kat started doing stuff like slapping mine and others asses and boobs (she also said very loudly about how she's pan) we asked her to stop but she never did, she did a lot of stuff like forcing me to eat her leftovers by grabbing my hoddie strings and pulling me down so I was on my knees, she flaunted her self harm and her eating disorders and told me "you think your self harm is bad?*insert number here and a dumb reason for it*" it made me feel sad and I started to count mine and do over 100 a day even ended up carving "UGLY" into my arm but she never stoped trying to one up me making me feel worse and do more one time she added me into a group chat with someone I'm not naming and told me to beg them to stop, I did very little because I was uncomfortable and how can I tell someone to stop when I couldn't? She threatened us and told us if we don't stop she won't either and send a video of her doing such I left the chat because I couldn't handle it but she kept on inviting me. Kay also sexualy assulted datotoku, both are no longer virgins and this is in 7th-8th grade kat did many more things but I want to talk about another thing that happened. (This is also the time when I relised what happened when I was 8 and relised how bad it is and stuff and it kinda upset me, this year was actually when I told my parents though, and I hate that cousin, my sister just found out a few weeks ago)