100 Letters To My Future Self

79th Letter: Stuck

August 8, 2020

Dear Future Me,

Stuck.

Let me tell you how that feels like.
It's not like I can't move at all. In fact, I can move but I'm moving in circles. Everyday the same things happen. I wake up, do the house chores, rest, and do the house chores again and back again to resting. Apparently I just keep on doing the same routine and it's all wearing on me.

I can't go anywhere else. There's this pandemic going on and we're still under on lockdown. My money is running really low. I have not done anything productive and I just feel so useless. To make it worse, I have a wound in my butt and I can't seem to move properly. Then at the end of the day, I'm all sweat and fat, anti social, depressed, and broke.

It's all wearing on me now. All these work at home and all these nonsense chores. I am so tired. I wake up tired. I sleep tired. I keep grudging on things that take so much effort and complain a lot. I should have taken that opportunity when I had it. That is probably my greatest regret so far. But I've been imagining what my life will actually look like if I had. Maybe I've been crying my eyes right now somewhere, getting homesick and more depressed. Or maybe I'd still end up here because I would always want to come home no matter what and I would still have to lose that job.
I don't know, maybe my decisions could still lead me here, regardless of what they are. I just think I was really meant to be here, stuck and getting more confused. I already had a good perception of this moment when I was still in college. I had hated it but it still happened anyway. Maybe that's just how my life works. Right now I just feel so hopeless and miserable.

I wonder what you are doing there? I hope it's already different than my situation right now. If it isn't, I'd feel more like I have to die and will probably end up killing myself. I hope it doesn't happen. I'm just so scared.

Love always,
magicshop