100 Letters To My Future Self

100th Letter: It's Over, But It's Not the End

March 16, 2021

Dear Future Me,

I know there are things that you think you could have done when you look back in the past. Things that seem easier to you now but were once hard before, things that you never did because you were scared and having doubts. And you think that if you could just rewind the time, you could have done them.
But I'm telling you, even if you did manage to rewind the time, nothing would ever change. Your past will still be your past and I'm still going to do what we are most likely going to do. I'm still going to screw up. Whatever my decisions are, they are also yours. If you try to change anything here, you wouldn't be where you are now. You see, you may think it's already easier to do things for me but that's only because you've seen a lot more of the world already, of life, and of the future. You've experience more pain than me, more struggles, more challenges and did more sacrifices than I could ever thought of. Then along the way, you learned to fight, to endure, and to survive. You grew and became strong. That's when you think that things in the past were easier. Making decisions, taking opportunities, surviving when things get hard, enduring pain, stepping into new chapters and beginnings - you think they're too easy for you now and I'm proud of you for that. But please remember, my situation now is far different than yours. I'm not as strong as you yet. I'm scared, I'm worried. I have anxiety issues, sometimes depressed and traumatized. I have mental breakdowns. I don't have enough money and I don't know how to make more. I have no connections either - no friends to lean to, no relatives to ask for support, no one to ask help for. I have a family and I'm shouldering most of the responsibilities. I'm lonely and my life is too complicated. I know you will think that all of these were just my excuses of not doing things I'm too scared to do, but please hear me out! If I take risks now, I would have to sacrifice something dear to me. And if that risks aren't worth taking for, then I'd lose everything. And losing everything you love doesn't make you feel better anyhow. I don't have lots of choices. I haven't seen much of what you already saw. I haven't experienced what you already experienced. So please don't tell me I could have done better because you know I can't. Not here, not in this time. But I know YOU could. You have lots of choices now. You can make better decisions. You can decide what's best for ourselves and there'll be no one stopping you. I just hope you are truly happy, because everything I'm doing now, and everything that I'm about to do, will get you to where you are now. This is all for you. I may not be that strong, but I'll do the best I can to live and survive here.

This could be my last letter to you but I know you know there will be a lot more because I won't stop writing, so please read them from time to time. I've been trying figure out what I'm going to write for days and this is it. I've reached the end of this - I don't even know what this is - but whatever the heck is this, I'm finally over it. It's been almost a couple of years since I started writing this content and look how far we have come. We've grown so much and I'm happy to see us this way. Until then, keep safe. I'll see you soon.

- magicshop