100 Letters To My Future Self

61st Letter: My Memories Of Mixtape 3

May 2, 2020

Bringing Back My Memories of Mixtape 3

It was way back when I used to work far from home. I had been lonely. The nights were always cold for me and I got scared a lot. Nightmares came most of the time. One time, I dreamed of a man watching me from the window. He was trying to get into my room. I wanted to wake up my room mate but I couldn't move. I wanted to speak, to scream but no words came out of my mouth. I was frozen and when I woke up, I just got so scared. This was also the time I felt so alone for the first time in my life. My roommate, who used to be my co-worker also, went to work somewhere so I was left without a friend anymore. I kept distracting myself with stuffs to keep my mind busy, because if I let things be, darkness would take over and torture my head. When my roommate left, I tried to pretend everything's normal and fine. That it's just the way things be. I distract myself alot. I keep my mind busy. My room in the boarding house had no door and it was scary at night because the curtain in the doorway kept moving in the wind.  It was dark and I was all alone in my room. There was a big window at the other side of my bed and when it rained, there was that random noise outside that bothered me alot. I couldn't sleep because I felt like someone would get into my room and stab me or someone would break the window and strangle me.

Days like these went by for a while. Work was even worse. I had no friends to talk to. People there were all older than me and they don't even care about me. Sometimes when it got too suffocating, I went for a walk outside to get some air. I sit in the park, watching people walked by and cars roaring into the night. I took pictures of the lights in the streets and the sky at dusk. I ate alone in a fastfood restaurant or sit on the bench near the street, eating barbecue and hotdogs.

I kept telling myself that I'm not sad, that I am alone but not lonely. That this was the way how I wanted my life to be. But deep inside, I know the feeling was too heavy to carry.

And it was at this time I heard this song. When Stray Kids sung "Blessings wait for you", I cried. I cried so hard. Because I realized that all I've been doing so far is destroying myself more and more everyday. I had stabbed myself every night and the nightmares came because I killed myself a thousand times. I let myself bleed from the wounds of insecurity and envy and be swallowed by my own demons who told me that I couldn't be good enough.
And this song brought an epiphany to me. In the middle of all these struggles, this song told me that good things will happen soon. That I can't just give up because it isn't over yet. I felt it and I believed it. And so I pulled myself together and got back on my feet. I saw the road ahead. It was still dark but I trudged on, one step at a time.
And today, I'm still walking. When I look back, I realize I'm already far enough from where I have stumbled. Things have began to lighten up now but I will keep walking. The road may still be dark but every step changes. Where I am now is a lot better than where I had been before and I know it will still get better ahead.
To Mixtape 3 and the boys who sung the courage in me, I thank you.