100 Letters To My Future Self

67th Letter: Dearest Jin

June 5, 2020

Dearest Jin,

Remember my favourite tree that I talked about in my previous letter?
She's blooming in green now. I called her ice-cream / snow flower because everytime her flowers bloom she looks like an ice cream on a cone. And when her flowers fall, it looks like it's snowing in our front yard. She made me feel like there were four seasons in our home. On summers, specially on April, she blooms in bright orange. Then a few months later, her flowers and leaves will fall, leaving her standing with just her bare branches. When that time comes, it looks like autumn has come as well.

But this month, it was different.

She wasn't able to bloom because a farmer once cut off all her leaves and twigs to feed to the cows. I felt sad about it but there was nothing I could do anymore. She looked dead just standing there by the road with no leaves and no flowers.
But today, I notice that her leavings are coming out already. It makes me smile. I remember how beautiful beginnings are.

But Seokjin-ah, I think I won't be able to come to work this Monday anymore. I made some mistakes at work and I think they're going to fire me soon. Good thing I saved up some money.
I don't know where I'm gonna go after this actually. I might get stucked at home again. I don't know where I'm gonna go. I'm so tired, Seokjin-ah.
I do have some excuses. I don't think they're valid though. But I guess I do have a say in all of these.
First thing is, nobody here was helping me when I first had this task. They just let me do whatever I do. They only come when I ask them about something. The second thing is, they always blame me when I make mistakes. They make me feel like I'm responsible for it but in the first place, they didn't even tell me what to do. Aren't they supposed to guide me first? Or review my work? Because I get confused a lot, especially since I'm still new to all of these. They can't expect me to be as knowledge as them already but they act as if I do. They even laugh at me. And if I ask them what I should do to make it right they'd say they can't answer my question anymore. The last thing is, our head's wife is really the one who talks so much without even knowing about the whole thing. She doesn't say it to my face but I know she talks about me behind my back because that's what she does all the time when one of us is not present at work. It feels like she blames me and I know I'm just delusional but I can feel sad about it sometimes because in the first place she doesn't even help me. One time when his husband asks her to help, she says no because she doesn't like it. I had to go through a lot of troubles because both of them, who knows a lot about this thing, didn't even review if I was doing it the right way or the wrong way. I just assume I was doing the right thing so I just keep doing it. Somebody should have monitored it, at least. So I would know it wasn't right. Lastly, the instructions were never clear. There are still things I don't understand, especially the terms they use that I haven't encountered yet. The instructions were confusing. If I don't ask, I won't be able to understand it. But I never ask about it because I thought I understood it. If there was someone who checked my work, instead of watching blogs and movies on their phones, I would have been corrected in time.

Anyway, I know these were all just my excuses. In the first place, I know I made a mistake. But I was willing to learn from all of these. If someone could just guide me, I would have learned it too soon.

But let's stop talking about me and start talking about you. The 13th of June is coming but I am not prepared yet. I'm so busy these days. I promise my ARMY friend I'd finish her house in minecraft before that day and I also promise I would write letters to you and the members. I'm running out of energy, Seokjin-ah. I hope I can fulfil my promises. Stay healthy. I'll see you soon.

Love always,
Your ARMY from the other side of your galaxy