The Long Way Home

One Hundred & Sixteen: Wait It Out

They were sitting across from one other in the Mess Hall on Atlantis. Cassandra's hands were wrapped around a mug of tea, heating her palms as she perched on the edge of her seat, head bowed as she stared into the milky liquid. She hadn't had a cup of tea in over a month and the privilege wasn't wasted on her, she enjoyed being back among the living.

"You know my sister always says a good cup of tea cures all the world's woes." Cass spoke for the first time since they had arrived back home.

The only other words she had uttered had been to ask for clothes, which Keller had dutifully handed over. For some reason Cassandra had felt the urge to roam, she had been trapped in a single space for over a month now and the idea of not being able to walk around killed her. John had been dutiful and kind. He had taken her arm gently in his own before they walked the corridors of the city in silence as Cass tried to familiarise herself with their home once more. There was no pressure from John to talk, no need for explanations, just the blissfulness of having him close beside her.

They had come to a halt at the empty Mess Hall, John placing the palm of his free had against his forehead scolding himself for not thinking about food earlier. Cass didn't think she could stomach a meal so she had made a cup of tea instead. It was surprising how much pleasure being able to do something like that gave her, she knew it was the sense of freedom in her actions that gave her the mirth. John had palmed a few biscuits and slipped one towards her in a bid to get her to eat.

"You always say that about a warm bath and chocolate." John reminded her, his larger hands coming to rest upon hers as she clasped the cup.

The physical reassurance was a welcome relief. She had worried about how John would forgive her for what had happened. She thought he'd shun her, how could she expect him to deal with her miscarrying another man's baby? He hadn't mentioned it despite the fact Cassandra knew that Keller had told him.

There were so many things that the two of them had to talk about but Cass couldn't force herself to open the wounds right now. She needed to feel safe and loved and John seemed to understand those impulses. He had been by her side constantly and if she was honest she needed the company. She had spent such long periods of time alone that she had come to welcome Michael's visits. She knew what Michael had been trying to do to her and she revolted against it violently. Everything he had told her was bullshit and the living proof of that was sitting right here holding her hands.

"John I need to know..." Cass broke off, tilting her head away from her husband.

She couldn't bare to say the words out loud, just thinking about it was making her nauseous. The clone would have tried anything necessary to get her claws into John and make him believe that she was the real deal.

"I didn't sleep with her." John stated abruptly, answering his wife's unspoken question. "She tried but I knew it wasn't you, she didn't have the same light in her eyes, her smile wasn't real. You do this cute thing when you grin, the left side of your mouth quirks up."

"You have no idea how good it makes me feel to hear you say that." Cass said as the immense relief filled her up.

John could feel her beginning to thaw a little, her iron clad grasp on her soul was beginning to loosen. He knew that he had to take his time with her. Cassandra was like a Rubix cube and he had to unlock her secrets piece by piece. He was in for the long haul, it didn't matter how long it took for her to recover, he would be with her every step of the way.

John prodded another biscuit towards her with the tip of his finger. Cass found herself picking the treat up and taking a bite out of it simply to appease him. She understood the desire he felt to feel useful and that was no fault of his own. She wasn't sure if she could be fixed. Time was apparently a great healer but she wasn't sure if the wound was too deep to catheterised.

"You need to take it a day at a time." John advised wistfully as he studied the downtrodden expression upon his wife's pretty features. "It's too big for you to handle otherwise, too hard to deal with and absorb."

"I haven't even begun to process it." Cass told him, with the shake of her head. "It's like I've just woken up from some horrendous nightmare. I remember every single minute of this crashing silence and that sickness you get in the pit of your stomach when your so scared you forget how to breath..."

She trailed off looking lost as the feeling of confinement stifled her once more. Her heart was pounding in her chest, she could feel it hammering against her ribcage as she took a shallow breath trying to gain control of her racing mind.

"Cassie."

Her name drawled from John's lips like a sonnet, his hands clasped hers back to the soothing heat emitting from the mug. He ducked his head so he could meet her averted gaze with his loving hazel eyes.

"Your safe now." John promised her. "I won't let him touch you ever again."

He was adamant in that statement. The minute he had laid eyes on her, he knew instantaneously that his wife was an emotionally battered woman. She was barely holding on at the moment and it murdered him inside to see her struggling so badly. She had been trying to hold herself together since she had awoken in the Infirmary on the Daedalus but John could see the strain it was causing her. He didn't know whether she believed him when he spoke, being so close to her and yet so far was painful but on some level he understood the emotional barricade.

Cass had been through an ordeal and shutting down was the brain's way of protecting itself. There was a lot to process and returning to normal life would be hard for her after all the safety behaviours her body and mind had put into place to cope in captivity.

"Can we go back home for a little while?" Cass asked him in a small voice. "I need to see my family."

The thought of returning to Earth scared John a little. They had made a home here on Atlantis and a life with their friends, he thought once Cassandra got her feet back on the ground back on Earth that she might not want to return to Atlantis and where would that leave them? He pushed all the niggling selfish thoughts away as he raised her dainty, little hands to his lips and kissed her palms.

"Whatever you need to do." he whispered against her soft skin.

It felt like his warm breath was stirring the life back up inside of her. She could feel the familiar thrum of pacifying heat racing through her inner core. She needed to feel alive again but her instincts were on overdrive. She had to get as far away from Michael as possible and Earth was the ideal safe heaven. She would learn to bury what had happened to her and in turn she wouldn't have to worry about being snatched up again while off world. She would be happy back home, free from all the terror and anxiety she knew would follow this attack.

"What if I don't come back?" she asked him softly. "What if I want to stay?"

John pursed his lips together grimly at the thought. He could leave Atlantis if she requested it, it would take a little work to screen for a replacement but the option was possible. The truth was though, John had felt more at home in this place than he had anywhere else in his life. He didn't want to leave but he would if it helped Cassandra. He would do anything for his wife and if he had to give up this place then he would wave goodbye to it all in a heartbeat.

"Then we could get that little beach house in Hawaii, or that town house in Boston we were looking at when we were staying with Jules, the one with the trees out front." John murmured as he rubbed her cool hands between his own trying to generate some warmth into her pale skin.

"I would like that, I think I would like that a lot." she told him seriously as their eyes met once more.

She was being entirely honest, John hear it in her words as she spoke. He had no idea if this was a symptom of her trauma but he knew she meant every word of it. He tried to imagine being 'normal' and found that it was impossible. He wondered how they would compromise, a long distance relationship perhaps. He had no idea but he wasn't thrilled on finding out.

"If that's what you need..." John heard himself saying as he stared deep into his wife's sapphire gaze.

He never thought the day would come when he had to choose between Atlantis and his wife.