The Long Way Home

Chapter Thirty Nine: Sacrifice

We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like someone broken
And I couldn't tell you, but I'm telling you now

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Rob Thomas – Ever The Same

It was going wrong, horribly inexplicably wrong and there was only one thing left for John to do. The only problem was that John didn't want to do it. Their only chance was to put a nuke in a Puddle Jumper and for someone with the ATA Gene to operate the ship in order to get close to the Hive Ship. It was a suicide mission, one that he had no right ordering someone else to engage in, so that left him with only one course of action.

The Major was all for the idea, that part of John considered duty to be above everything else. Yet the Man in him was resistant, he didn't want to do this. The repercussions of this decision were harrowing and he didn't have much time to consider his options. He had always known that one day it would come to this, he was being forced to pick between duty and love.

This was so much bigger than the two of them. The lives of everyone in this city relied on him and in turn the millions of people on Earth. That responsibility was resting squarely on his shoulders. He was the only one that could stop this now.

Jesus Christ, poor Cassie, John thought.

He should have left her alone. He should have played The Major and steeled himself against her demure manner and her kind heart. They never should have gotten married in the first place, she may have been able to survive this if they hadn't. God it was tearing him up inside like nothing he had ever felt before. He had survived all sorts of pain over the years, it had been his closest companion before Cass but now his heart was literally breaking. It was wrenching and twisting in his chest as he lingered in the doorway for just a second longer trying to hold off the inevitable.

Cass was sitting in Elizabeth's office on the sleek leather couch, her palm was rubbing across her chest, right above where the Wraith Stunner had struck her. He knew what she must be feeling, he had been on the receiving end of a blast like that more times than he cared to remember. She was probably feeling that irritating sensation of pins and needles stabbing through her body as well as the tingling in her limbs.

Cass glanced up at the sound of John closing the door behind him. Her sapphire eyes were already studying his face with an intensity that startled him. Her face was changing as she picked the subtle cues that distinguished his handsome features. Her lips parted as she rose to her feet, her eyebrows furrowing as the understanding flooded her features. There were millions of words on the tip of her tongue but only one left her mouth as John came to a halt before her.

"No." she said abruptly, her hands coming to rest on her hips.

"Cassie..." he drawled her name out like a lullaby.

The soft and tender lilt soothed over her raging emotions like a fire blanket. It wrapped her up in their love, sheltering her from the worst as he embraced her tense, rigid form. The energy drained right out of her as John gathered her up in his arms and held her so tightly she was frightened to breath. Her delicate hands captured his shirt, fisting it as she closed her eyes and buried her face in his comforting chest.

She was losing him, she read it in his face, feel it in the way he held her close. John was going to do something crazy and heroic, something he hoped would save them all. She found she couldn't speak, now that the time was here she didn't want him to leave. She would have done anything to just hold onto him until the end of time but rationality would never allow for that. There were millions of people relying on her husband. What kind of selfish person would she be if she damned them all?

There was always a bigger picture. Everyone here would view John as a hero and he would be so badly missed but the population on Earth would never know about the one man that may have saved them. Her anguish was filling her up in waves, she couldn't imagine life without him and even as she tried the agony ripped through her like a bullet.

This wasn't fair...

To her immense horror she found herself crying. The tears were stinging her eyes and leaking down her cheeks as her chest vibrated against John as that heaving, choked sob escaped her mouth. John's calloused hands cupped her flushing cheeks as he cradled her face. He could taste the trails of salt on her soft skin as he kissed the first of those glistening tears away from her porcelain features.

Her heart was splintering right against his and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. His mouth lingered barely inches from hers as he stared into those sorrowful sapphire eyes. The chemistry between them was tortured and ragged. It hurt to even breath as John pressed a chaste kiss to her trembling lips.

"I'm sorry." John whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion.

An apology was never going to be enough to fix what he was about to do. Yet somewhere in the bottomless depths of his soul he knew Cass understood. Her fingers were releasing him and John could feel the some part of him dying as she stepped away, her arms hugging her torso as she met his sincere hazel gaze.

"I love you." she told him frankly, her eyes shining once again with a thousand unshed tears. "Now go save the world."

He gifted her with one last rare, boyish smile, the one that told her everything that he hadn't been able to say in those precious moments alone together.

I love you, I'll miss you, I'm sorry.

"Goodbye Cassie."