The Long Way Home

Chapter Sixty:

Battered sore and high on hurt
Out of line and out of words
Lost for love and lost for air
That is how you leave me here

The Saturdays - Lies

The wedding ring was the first thing to go. Cass couldn't stand the sight of the small platinum circlet on her finger after what she had just bore witness to. She had torn it off and hurled it across their bedroom in a haze of red mist before grabbing her duffel bag from underneath their bed. Her mind was racing, the images flashing across her mind like photographs as grief filled her. She hated him, she had never thought that it was possible but she actually despised the man she had married for putting her through this suffering.

Jesus she hadn't realized that this could hurt so much, the pain was worse than any physical blow he could have been dealt. Something had died inside her when she'd seen him touching that woman, his hands running over her voluptuous frame, his lips kissing her...

Cass gripped the end of their wrought iron bed, her knuckles white as she stared at the empty sheets before her. Only a few nights ago the two of them had made love in this bed, they had fallen asleep holding hands, John whispering sweet endearments in her ear. She had been happy, she thought he had been too but obviously she was wrong. How could she have been so wrong?

She could feel the agony wrenching at her insides as the loneliness filled her. Their connection was dwindling pathetically, she had locked it down the second John had laid his hands on that bitch. She couldn't blame Maria, all of this wasn't her fault. Damn it she wanted to though, she wanted to give John the chance to explain himself but she wasn't one of those women that stuck around when their partner cheated on them, it just wasn't in her nature. She would never be able to trust him again and their relationship would become trivial and meaningless as it deteriorated, they would make each other miserable. So the only option Cass had was to leave.

Already Cass was shoving her clothes into the duffel bag, she wasn't thinking clearly, she didn't know what she was picking up and putting in there and she didn't care. It was methodical and practised, she needed to do something with her hands to stop that violent compulsive feeling from taking over. She wanted to smash something, to destroy everything the same way her husband had done to her.

Cass was devastated, she didn't understand how John could do this, how he could snatch everything he had given her away again? This wasn't him, she couldn't believe that he would ever cheat on her but the evidence was in front of her face stealing away her energy.

She found herself sitting down on the bed, staring at the wall with both of her hands pressed together between her knees. She was hurting so badly she had no idea how to fix the shattered pieces inside of her. She was at a complete loss, there were emotions, thoughts and feelings all running rampant inside trying to fit together clues that didn't exist.

Her eyes were stinging, the un-shed tears burning at her eyeballs as the lump in her throat turned into a mournful ache.

Don't cry, she told herself, don't give him the satisfaction.

It was too late for that now, the hot salty tears were leaking down the flushed apples of her cheeks as she sat there alone in the silence. The sorrow was overtaking her in waves as she thought of life without her husband.

Empty...

The bond between them was thin, a mild trickle poking at her soul. She had slammed the door shut when she had seen John molesting Maria and now this was him tentatively knocking at her defences. Cass was resolute, she blocked him out, erecting her walls even higher than before so he could not climb over them. He was still there deep inside of her, resilient and insistent. Their connection was still there, unwavering, she wondered how that could be when she could feel herself falling apart around it.