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》》》》
July 19th
2020
-THE NEXT DAY-
Getting up early in the morning was something I frequently fought back in my high school days. Right now, it's my inner monologue telling me that the day is not going to get any better than it was yesterday. With no evidence of that actually being true, since I haven't moved one inch away from my mattress after I washed it when I got home. There were dried stains of our bodily fluids crusting the sheets from our steamy night of interactions.
Although, that memory practically made my face a conflagrant forest that spread all the way to my neck unwantedly. I still wanted to think of any other scene or moment in my life that wasn't yesterday. There was a snowballing effect that came from my drive home with Jungkook. Within that snowball there came sadness, tiredness, and even inspiration on a lighter note.
While I longed for my best friend to be by my side; I also longed to move forward with everything that had to happen next. One of the biggest lessons that I have learned thus far was that the past is inalterable, and the future is completely yours to shape and mold. Who I turn out to be after every falter, storm, and bump in the road... Is entirely up to me.
I only have one goal.
And now it might be my time to try and reach for it.
The image of my black leotard just sitting at the back of my closet; waiting on my hands to fondle and use it for their purpose. It haunted my mind, constantly gnawing at the emotional division inside my brain to kick up my memories of prancing around the stage gallantly and carefree. I wanted to feel that way again.
KNOCK!
KNOCK!
I snap my head to the door of my bedroom, seeing it creak open and reveal my eomma's fresh face. "Jimin, eomma downstairs making pancakes. You should come down." Yawning, I began to sluggishly sit up and squint.
"Taemin, can you... Give me a second? I-I'm not really feeling good." My brother's face dropped along with his shoulders slumping. He barged into the door with a loud exasperated huff.
"Don't tell me it's that Jungkook guy. I swear if he hurt you--" I shook my head.
"Jungkookie is... He's good. We're good. D-don't worry," I swung my feet around so I could get up from my bed. "I'll be downstairs in a second." I heard the door shut and I see Taemin leaning on my bedroom door.
He had his arms crossed and calves crossed. "Now, you know eomma would ask you a million questions if she saw you sulking."
"I am not sulking. I just woke up, and it's my off day so... I really needed the rest." Taemin smirked, with an all-telling expression.
"Sure you do. Because you got absolutely railed the nigh--" I felt my shoulders tense up as I had the feeling I should run away and hide. This was the feeling I was trying to steer clear of.
"Taemin! I... I don't want to-- be quiet!" My brother just chuckled, turning to reopen the door.
"Hm... Maybe if you come to eat I will... That's if you can sit down." He left my room laughing boyishly. Oh dear, that means eomma could've heard it too! She didn't ask me anything about it, but she's a smart woman, so I'm sure she'll get the feeling sooner or later. It feels so dirty hiding the fact that I'm not exactly her little pure baby boy anymore. However, this discovery shouldn't come as too much of a shock. I am 19 after all.
I ventured off to the bathroom quickly to freshen up. I wanted to style my hair but It would've been pointless since I don't have any plans. If Jungkook were here he'd probably kiss me all over until I'm a melting pot of submission. I wouldn't complain or object even the slightest touch of his warm and rough inked hands softly imprinting on my body. But I'm afraid if he does come over here; it would be the only thing we'd do.
I travel out of my room and down the gimp down the stairway, overhearing a conversation between my eomma and Taemin just around the bend of the wall.
"Eomma, I'm worried about Hyung."
"Why do you say that?" Taemin paused greatly before his voice sounded in response.
"He's not happy. And he won't tell me why." Stomping my way down the stairs, my ears are burning with shame. I turn the corner to see my brother and eomma, sitting at the dining table across from each other, breakfast viands spread out for selection.
Eomma looks over to me. "Have a seat sweetie." I strolled over to the table quietly and sat down, abashed, picking up my fork and knife to prepare myself to eat. My fingers started to tremor as I tried not to look up from my plate.
"Ahem-- sweetie, Jimin... Can you pass the syrup?" I passed the bottle that was diagonal from my plate and started to stuff my face with the pancakes presented to me. By what Taemin had spilled; I'm sure my eomma had about three questions saved from a stockpile every parent had when their child seemed a bit off... Some parents at least.
The room, noiseless, without converse; the silverware on the glass plating sounded as a warning for discourse. "Did everyone sleep well?" My eomma asked, making me stop chewing.
"Jimin's sulking." Taemin shot me a raised eyebrow as if to tell me to come out with it. My eomma put down her fork and placed her hand under her chin. Her face conveyed an odd smile like she was honored to witness this situation.
"Jimin--"
"I am fine eomma. Taemin... Don't say things like that." He shook his head and started darting his fork at his pancake, resuming to his regaling.
"Jimin, I thought we were through this... Is there something you want to say?" I toyed with my utensils for a second. Telling her that Taehyung had left would only worry her more. When she used to lambaste me for being off track; she would speak on Tae tangentially about his attitude. She knows good and well that aside from that, he was my only friend and he was my support vessel.
But I need to be my own support vessel.
And I have to continue to be.
"Today is just... It's my off day, and it's supposed to be a day of relaxation. But yesterday all of that got--"
"Honey, you're beating around the bush now. We'll sit at this table all morning if we have to." My eomma stated unadorned and austere.
"Eomma..." Taemin whined.
"Hush, Taemin eat your food, your eomma cooked for you... Jimin, you will speak." I licked my lips free of any excess crumbs.
"Taehyung moved to America yesterday and... I don't know. I want to do something, but I don't--" Eomma cut me off. Again.
"Then do it. Go. You will go." I sat back, knitting my eyebrows together. My eomma was never good at short and simple. So her indistinct words stirred up a puzzling image within my imagination.
"Wha--"
"Park Jimin, are you listening? I'm saying for you to go. Do what you want for today... You can't sit around like a bump on a log. It's Sunday... You can call Jungkook and maybe set up a date..." Taemin then jumped up from his seat as if it were on fire and snatched his plate from the table.
"Can I leave... Right now? Please eomma?" She sighed and nodded, sending Taemin on his way to the sink.
"You're washing the dishes later today young man!" Taemin began to jog up the stairs groaning on the way up. My eomma chuckled, seeming humored.
Her words iterated in my mind, echoing almost.
'Go.'
'You will go.'
'Do what you want for the day.'
The seemingly empty statement made an answer for what I had been wondering. It paved the way for my thoughts to clear and form a straight veracious pathway.
The pathway to my next step.
And that path was what had lumbered in my brain for days, months, and years.
Y.D.A's fall audition.
I scooted my chair back on the wooden floor, it screeched loudly making my eomma look at me in terror. I got and started to run my hand through my hair; my thoughts are racing and whirling with how I was going to begin to take my next step.
Which foot would it have to start from?
Where do I start?
"Are you going to call Jungkook?" I waved my hand at her dismissively.
If I was going to start practicing for the audition, I was going to need a number of things. Number one, a place. Number two, an actual schedule I can dedicate myself to without it being too difficult to manage the rest of my time as I'm employed at Jeon's Creamery. I already knew what routine I had to pull off to grab a spot on the team, but it was no use if I didn't actually train for any time beforehand.
September 2nd... I only had a little over a month to prepare.
I have to figure something out.
"Eomma... Do you think I could ask a favor? I promise I-I'll pay you back." She raised her brows.
"Whatever it is Jimin, say it." I bit the inside of my cheek.
"You know that audition I've been planning to go to?" Her eyes glimmered with excitement.
"Oh, oh! Are you planning on doing it still? I didn't think--" It was my turn to stop her.
"I have a little over a month... And like you said..." I looked her in the eye with a prospering hunger blooming inside me as I spoke.
"... I-I can't just sit around anymore. It's about time I get going... For the rest of my life."
