11:11 (Poem Book#2) [Trigger Warning]

do you know how it feels

Do you know how it feels when no where you look is pain free
Do you know how it feels to constantly be in a state of panic, mind manic, from the static blaring in my head trying to numb it all out but you have to reach ground. To help the people around from ending what they have. A beautiful life and through the strife you still have your own on the verge. Put you to a pledge to resist the urge because you have to be there for them, even if from them is where the pain stems.
Do you know how it feels to never get the chance to speak
Do you know how it feels to be too shy too meek
Do you know how it feels to want to tell people exactly how you feel but none of them will beleive it's real because they are blinded by what they see and they cant see what's in your head. So you write instead.
Do you know how it feels to get blown off by everyone you know, despite all your attempts to grow.
Do you know how it feels to work as hard as you can just so you dont have to deal with your own mind. You dont want to stay inside. In there no one soul is kind. You're left behind.
Do you know how it feels to be walking on eggshells wherever you go, because no matter the request the answer is no. Life feels slow.
Do you know how it feels to feel fine but break down the second your alone.
Do you know how it feels to have to console the person he left you for.
Do you know how it feels to want to feel loved so badly that you go to the site of war where this all started, the soil you were poisoned in but all at the same time this boy is in your mind.
Do you know how it feels to want to hate someone so badly just because you care and you know you shouldnt and you know you couldn't because you weren't enough, and that's been repeated to you since day one. Because like the sun hopefully I shall rise once again but the thing about the sun is that it always sets so no matter how much good the day let's the sun will always fade away nothing good ever stays. And you dont know that until it's too late, and your lying in bed stuck in your head wishing you were dead.
Do you know how it feels to need to build up a tough act to insure people dont hurt you again
Do you know how it feels when you dont know if you can even trust your friends.
Do you know how it feels to want to give your all to everyone, but it all goes to waste. They see you as desperate but you're just trying to give them what you never had. And now things are more than bad. You just want someones hand to hold through this dark but theres none late night at the park to watch the stars.
Do you know how it feels to want to badly to be 16 just so you can be free, so you can possibly start living, so you can drive away and maybe someone will stay. To go out in the night away from the ones who might try and hurt you. You dont know what to do. So you lay outside alone in the open air, wishing someone was there. They say they are but they are too far gone.
Do you know how it feels to want to be a bad kid just so you had the guts to do something stupid?
Do you know how it feels to have no where to go because no one knows how to help,
You have no where to yell. You cant go to therapy because you dont have the time. Nor the money. So you make jokes you try to be funny. Laugh your problems away because hopefully then they wont stay. But it's nothing but grey. No black and white. At least not quite.
No hope in sight.
Do you know how it feels to want to relive somthing so badly that you write story after story in the image you want. But the facts still daunt. Hes gone. You say you are fine and you keep going on. We wasnt the one. And that's alright. You have to keep up the fight.
Do you know how it feels to need to be free.
Do you know how it feels to be me.
I have so much left to say but it's for another day. But think how it feels to be in my shoes. And the path you'd choose.
Do you know how it feels?