Chapter 09 - Sliding doors (September 10, 2020)

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chaptertw: loss of a loved one, guilt


Date posted: September 10, 2020


Chapter 09 - Sliding Doors

Perci alternately spiraled in states of daze and numbness a few days after. His now condition was different from the last time-- the moment he finished reading Lee's letter.

Because at this point, he didn't know if he has successfully practiced his way out of being in too much pain or it's just that he's numb already.

But he can still remember that time, while he was still reading the letters, his body literally shook violently while crying. And he knew it happened for so many reasons.

Hindi lang dahil sobrang sakit ng katotohanang wala na si Lee. Marami pang iba. But of course yes, her death is his biggest anguish. The fact that he can't even drag himself back home meant that this is something that he can't accept. Just the idea of her leaving this world already makes him so sick.

But to actually receive this very news from her-- that she has died, had made it more surreal than it already is.

And he started digging his mind how it ended with this-- a letter. Just a fvcking email. He really doesn't want to think about how it arrived in his email or how it was arranged just for him to receive it despite the sender being gone in this world.

And it hurts more that Lee may have written this years ago. When she was still okay. That somehow, she saw this kind of future that he is not beside Odyssey when she passes. Just the mere fact that she has prepared for it makes him want to puke blood. Hindi niya alam kung paano ito nagawa ni Lee, pero lalo lang siyang nakakaramdam ng masama nang dahil sa lahat ng ito.

Nakatingin siya sa mga bituin habang iniisip kung paano umabot sa ganito. That maybe that great love has the capacity to have provision for the one they love.

With so much pain in his heart, ngayon halos hindi niya na maramdaman ang mga sakit mula sa mga sugat niya. Mabilis ding naubos ang mga luha niya. Hindi katulad noong unang nadaanan ng mga mata niya ang mga letra ng huling mga salita ni Lee sa kanya.

On another note, Perci is so proud of her. Kasama rin 'yun sa mga iniyak niya. Pero ang totoo, mas malaking rason kung bakit bumuhos ang damdamin niya noong puntong 'yun, ay dahil sa kapatid niya.

He realized that in the end, it's still about Odyssey.

Perci has been trying to keep his guilt at bay. But that one letter crushed the floodgates of his hell.

The strong guilt came not just in waves but in a big tsunami destroying everything in his island.

And then came his self-pity.

Alam niyang ibinibilin lang naman ni Lee sa kanya ang kapatid. And it was a normal thing to do. He already expected this would happen.

Pero may mali si Lee.

Dahil ang totoo, hindi siya mas rasyonal. Hinding-hindi rin siya mas malakas. Ilang taon ba siyang umasa sa kapatid niya na humarap sa lahat ng problema nila sa pamilya? Kinarga siya ni Odyssey simula bata. Binuhay at inuna sa lahat ng bagay kahit na mahirap.

Kaya sa halo-halong pakiramdam niya kagabi, bumuhos din ang awa sa sarili.

He wanted to tell Lee that he's suffering, too.

It was selfish for him to think about this, but no one is actually here for him now. No one will actually believe that he felt like he got the shortest end of the stick because the tragedy directly befalls his brother.

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