Chapter 15 - Ambivalent feelings (Nov 23, 2021)

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Date posted: Nov 23, 2021

Chapter 15 - Ambivalent feelings

"There's no need to pretend. Tayo lang naman nandito." He told her ruthlessly. But as soon as he coughed these words up, an astringent guilt rose from his stomach all the way to his mouth. Wala talaga siyang kwentang tao. He really is this bastard who repays her kindness with enmity.

But what he couldn't say is that he is coming from a place of confusion— as always. Because he couldn't always carry such an excuse, right? He keeps on pushing this woman away, but at the end of the day, he needs her— her money specifically. And it didn't help that it's exactly the very thing that he detests about her. This internal paradox is eating his insides like cancer. That maybe, what he really hated wasn't her, but himself. 

One moment he wants her out of his sight, the next one they're having sex. And was it the woman's fault? Maybe. This is the lie he tells himself every night. That he's currently in his weakest moments and Luntian is just taking advantage of him. He could only stick into this conclusion so he could keep himself sane. He tells this to himself when he gets sober so he has the face to justify the inconsistencies of his decision. Whatever happened to him? He used to think he was such a very laid-back kid. That because his brother shouldered every issue they had in their family, he was already salvaged from developing any toxic traits.

Just because he felt really really bad that night, and wanted to prove that he didn't really have feelings for Lee, he indulged himself with his desires and used girl again. Despite his injuries! And did he enjoy it? If Perci can be honest with himself, he really did. The release was so gratifying that he almost found a reason to live in the middle of that ecstasy. Like an oasis he never thought he needed. Yes, it was a distraction. One check box ticked off just to prove to himself that his dreams when he was in coma aren't anything but dreams.

But the moment he woke up— comes the creeping guilt. Again. And then the self-hatred. And the continuous disorientation. Ultimately, comes the pain. Sa totoo lang, he welcomes all the physical pain from his injuries with all his senses. Because pain reminds him that he's still alive. But the miseries in his heart? The indescribable pain he couldn't even explain— he doesn't even know where this is coming from— eto 'yung nagpapagulo ng lahat sa kanya.

And sadly, he could just take it to the woman beside him. All the love. All the anger. All the frustration. Like a freaking punchbag. And the worse is, he's aware of everything. Only, he refuses to do something, because he doesn't even know where to start.

Because as he lost control of everything, the only one he can manage is his indifference towards this woman. Because he really did not like some parts of her. Because at least, it's the only irritation he can explain. That this is the woman who has continuously forced herself onto him— so he can feel this way. No matter how beautiful she is. No matter how much he feels awful whenever he treats her badly.

"Okay... I love you..."

So Perci, once again, felt bad when he saw the tears in her eyes. He is immediately pulled back from his own ridiculous reverie. That her unwarranted I love yous can sometimes be tolerable no matter how flimsy it sounds. Dahil bakit palagi na lang niya itong sagot sa lahat ng tanong at gawin niya? One movement, she says she loves him. Even though he becomes elected as the president of dick association, she still calls him her beloved. He thought it couldn't be real. To love him. In his worst? They did not really know each other?

But now that it comes into this, he wanted to say sorry.

But suddenly, the doorbell rang. Perci could not believe how the pain in her face was immediately wiped off— almost as if it wasn't really there. Na parang namalikmata lang siya kanina. Because how was she able to immediately be happy?

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⏰ Huling update: Nov 23, 2021 ⏰

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