philophobia | ksj+mb

-18-

"What is wrong with you today?" he insisted. "You're even more irritating than usual."

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe it's because we're on a date?"

He groaned, rolling his eyes. "You're being ridiculous. We've went out together before, and you're not like this."

"Maybe it's because they're not a date."

"Then stop thinking it's a date." He leaned back, using both of his hands as a support. "Think of it as a... picnic? Besides, I'm just doing what you requested. You do remember the last time —"

"Yes I do, Jin. I remember the joke you took seriously." I rolled my eyes. "How did you manage to think of it as something serious?"

The corners of his plump lips turned up into a small smile. "How did you manage to think of it as a joke? I told you I wanted to spend time with you, right?"

I groaned, covering my face, pretending to look annoyed. But I could feel the heat washing over my face, and I know my cheeks are red. If Jin noticed, he didn't say anything, but it only made my heart beat faster, afraid he'd see my embarrassment.

Why did he have to be so... filled with compliments? What the hell am I even saying?

I heard some shifting from my left, and felt something getting closer to me. From the scent of the cologne, and the body heat emitting from the something, I knew it was Jin.

I swear I'll hit him if he so much try to touch me.

"Can we start talking now?" he asked, his voice gentle, like the soft breeze around us. "You promised, remember?"

If he didn't speak so soft I would've called him out for guilt tripping me, but as much as I like to deny it, he is right. I did promise I'll open up on a date, even if I didn't say it literally.

I let out a large breath and let my hands down. "Fine," I said, trying to sound as annoyed as possible. "What do you want to talk about?"

He shrugged, leaning forward to hug his knees. He looked into the distance, into his car up ahead and further into the fields of grass. "I don't know exactly. Just... everything?"

I glared at him. He doesn't even know what he wants to talk about and yet he's insisting us to talk. Genius. This man is an absolute genius.

But then it came. The one question I've been dreading since I heard of Jihye's death. The one thing that's always lying in the back of my head, pleading — begging to come out. I've always forgotten about it and regret came when I missed the chance.

I took a large breath, bracing myself for whatever reaction he gives. "Why didn't you tell anyone about Jihye's death?"

He blinked, the rest of his body ridgid, tense from the question. I know I caught him by surprise. It's been a while since I pressed him on the subject of her death. It's always about the before — before her death and before all the pain. It's never about the death.

He bit his bottom lip, eyes dropping into the ground. "I don't know, actually. I just felt like I didn't want to tell anyone about it."

"You do know that anyone of us would be happy to listen, right?" I said. "Why?"

He closed his eyes and breathed out a chuckle. "Like I said, I don't know. I guess I didn't want anyone to have what I had, you know what I mean?" He turned to me, ensuring I understood, but I shook my head. "The only thing I have is my memories, with her. If I tell anyone, let out all the pain and everything, I'm sharing my memories with them. And I don't want that. I don't want people to have the only thing I have about her."

I gave him a subtle nod, and he mirrored me. His eyes traveled down, to the plain white white and yellow blanket. I don't know why but it reminds me of lilies.

His eyes darted to me and my breath hitched. I blinked several times, trying to calm myself, and let out a heavy breath. "But then I guess I realized that it's the worst thing to do when you're trying to deal with pain — keep it to yourself," he continued. "So, I guess, thanks, for forcing it out of me."

I gave him a weak smile, which he replied. His eyes left mine, to the grass around us. "What about you? How do you deal with his death?"

It was my turn to be shocked. His question caught me off guard and I considered not answering. But it's only fair that I did, because he did.

I licked my lips, trying to control the beating of my heart. "I guess I didn't. It just fades with time — the pain, the memories, everything."

He gave me a subtle nod, urging me to continue and elaborate.

"It's not that I wasn't affected by it. I was, deeply affected. But life just goes on, and I can't hold onto the past."

"So, you just forget about it?" I gave him a nod, and his eyebrows turned into a frown. "But what about all the times he made you happy? You forget about those too?"

I shrugged. "Don't you feel sad when you remember it? What's the point?"

"But still —"

"Do you remember the time Jihye looked at you with everything, the love and passion pouring from her eyes? Do you remember that time you asked her out and she looked so happy?" His eyes left me as I said that, staring at the ground. "What do you feel? Do you feel happy?"

He stayed silent.

"Memories, no matter how precious, or happy they are, they kill us. So, what's the point of remembering them? Just forget."

—❦—

what do you think about their date?

per usual, thank you for all your reads and votes. really appreciate it. do comment a lot, i want to know what you think about my writing. and if you feel that something — anything, could be improved in my writing, just tell me. i need all that feedback.

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till next wednesday
-w.