Prohibition

Chapter 41

"Did you enjoy the dance?" Billie asked as she brushed Evelyn's hair.

Evelyn yawned. "I did—parts of it, at least. Talking to everybody was not enjoyable."

Billie grinned slyly. "But the parts with Mr. Adler were?"

"Yes." A slight blush dusted Evelyn's cheeks, then her face grew gave. "But I wish you hadn't told what you did about commitment and marriage. I wish you hadn't said anything at all."

"Why?" Hurt rang in Billie's voice as she spoke. "And how do you know what I said to him?"

"...I overheard you." Evelyn blushed again. "And I wish you hadn't said anything about commitment and marriage because I'm not ready for it. I don't think it's what I want. Now you've put the idea into Raymond's head..." her voice trailed off. God, she was tired, so tired...

"Why not?" Now Billie sounded puzzled. "Why don't you want to marry Mr. Adler?"

"Because there's no getting out!" The words burst out of Evelyn, sharp and broken as shattered glass. "I'm stuck if things go wrong. I can't leave like I did with Charlie."

"There's always divorce."

"Not for me, there's not." Evelyn laughed bitterly. "Can you imagine that? I'd be the woman who left—just like Mother. Do you think I could do that?"

Billie was silent for a long moment. "No," she said finally. "I don't think you could."

"So, you see now why I don't want a marriage." Evelyn's voice was unbelievably weary. "I don't know what I do want, really."

"But you care for Mr. Adler?"

"God, yes." Tears sprang to Evelyn's eyes. "Maybe I even love him. But he wants to marry me..."

"And you don't want that."

"No."

"You could ask him to live in sin with you," Billie suggested, a tiny smile playing about her lips. "That'd be easy enough to get out of."

Evelyn shook her head. "I could never do that. It would destroy Dad."

"Miss Evelyn?" Billie said. "Can I offer you some advice?"

"Of course."

"Quit worryin' about what your daddy and your friends and everybody else will think, and figure out what you want. Don't let anybody else influence your decision, and quit puttin' everybody else's wants and needs above your own. Worry about yourself for once. Decide what you and you alone want. Then make your decision."

"I'm trying to, Billie." Evelyn's voice cracked. "I'm really trying to. But I just can't think straight anymore. I can't make decisions, I can't plan...I'm just living day to day. I'm just surviving. Everything else is excess."

"Then cut some excess out."

"What do you mean?"

"Everyone in your life is a little bit of excess. Some of them are more important—like your dad. Others are as useless as teats on a boar hog and need to go."

"Billie!" Evelyn said, shocked. "That's not very kind."

"I'm sorry, Miss Evelyn. But you and I both know it's true."

"Yes," Evelyn sighed. "I suppose it is. I do let too many people who matter not at all govern my life. But I can't make all my life decisions devoid of consideration for anyone else. I wish I could, but I can't. I don't live in a vacuum. No matter what I tell myself, my actions will affect people—people I love. So I must be absolutely sure my decisions are right."