Duality | Monsta X [√]

27: Crushing cigarettes

Long nights, daydreams, sugar and smoke rings
I've been a fool

-Strawberries and cigarettes,
Troye sivan

"I have actually missed you a lot, you know," Haneul hoisted up her bag on her shoulder as she bristled. "I am so glad to see you again Daisy." Her grin made me only want to return that but we were stopped on our way to walk out as Changkyun's deep voice echoed.

"I forgot to announce but some of our founders are leaving the club," when he stood in the midst of the crowd, which had gone down to the number of thirty-five people now because of the member fallout, I felt myself taking a sharp intake of breath already seeing what was coming.

"Shownu hyung is completing his masters, Minhyuk and Wonho are not here now as they are busy with their bachelors' exam and Kihyun-"

My eyes fell onto the said boy, a dark shirt neatly tucked into his faded blue jeans. His hair falling gently on his forehead as a silky mess, some strands on his round glasses too.

Even from the back I could see the dark bags under his tired eyes. I could see why his outfit was different today from what he'd usually wear in the university. He was probably too busy to force on the cute curly haired image he had created for himself.

"He is graduating too. So we may need more leaders who would be able to help out here soon, we will announce more on this later," Changkyun's hand raked through his hair as he sighed exasperatedly.

When outside I saw Haneul doing the same. "Yeah, my love story ended here before it even started."

Then it suddenly hit me, her innocent crush on Shownu which I had completely forgotten about. In horror I watched her morbid expression, her eyes never leaving the floor as we walked alongside.

"He is leaving and I might never see him again. At least I got to tell him how much I liked his performances, and he said thank you and-" she looked up at me, pushing up her glass from the bridge of her nose to her eyes.

"And that's about it. It's even worse than falling in love with an idol. He was so close to me yet all I could do was fawn over him from the back. And now he's gone, my chances are too."

"No!" I chided in almost defensively, right then I wanted to tell her that I worked for him. He would still be in the clan club and if she could she would meet him there, but then I figured, it just wasn't the right time.

They did not hide their identities so meticulously for nothing. Until their names were fully clear and until their hard work had finally paid off I had to stay quiet no matter what.

Hence I bit on my lower lip feeling her expectant gaze drowning me in. "You will meet him for sure someday," instead I stammered out. "He is still out there as a person. Seoul is not that big, you will see him."

Especially if you visit Gaphae, but she could not read my mind.

Obviously she couldn't, she bobbed her up and down and her curly hair danced with it. "Don't you have something for any of them too? You can come clean with me," her eyes glinted in a playful manner and I felt myself swallowing seeing that.

"You are calling dibs on Kihyun, aren't you? I saw your eyes following him!" She beamed, a villainous cackle following later. "I don't see why not! He looked extra cute today with that look, I think I blushed a bit too for no reason just by seeing him."

"Not really," I swallowed hard again. Why did I feel guilty as if I was making a petty lie to convince her, or myself.

Haneul squinted her big eyes at me from those thick glasses of hers and gave me a feline grin. "Not really what? You did not call dibs on him or he did not look cuter today?"

As if like a déjà vu I remembered that same sort of discussion had happened before with her and I and the topic was Shownu, and now it was her time to play with my feelings like it was a sandcastle.

"I don't know," huffing out I halted in the middle of the hallway. "I have to go back to the club room. I think I have forgotten something there."

Forgotten to tell Kihyun that I would come back at work today and we could get back on the ad project but she did not need to know that.

Her villainous laugh resonated through the hallway again, a new side of her I was seeing. "You just want to see him again," she gave me a light pat in the shoulder as she ushered me towards the other end. "And that is okay my friend."

"I really forgot something," again why did it feel like only a sorry of an excuse as I told her?

However, when I went back to the club room it was a tad bit darker with most of its lights off. My eyes roamed around only to find that the others weren't there.

Then a strong pungent smell hit my nostrils and I begrudgingly followed to find Kihyun standing in a corner, a stash of papers resting on a bench before him and some on his hands.

It did not take me second to realize what caused that effluvium to spread about. In the dark of the corner, a lit cigarette hung on Kihyun's lips loosely and wisps of smoke were born from that before dying in the stiff air.

Taking rushed steps I reached and as soon as he had looked up at me with his eyes that were bare now, I snatched away the stick from his lips, dropping it on the ground harshly and stepping on it the next second.

I did not know what I was doing, my mind felt like it had plummeted into an opaque slumber and I could only process some static thoughts.

Only process that I was mad, I was angry and I did not have the right to be. It was his choice and his life, and I probably meant nothing to him yet here I was.

"Why did you do that?" Kihyun's voice gave away that he was shocked. A miasma of the poisonous nicotine still hanging around him as he gave me a scrutinized look, judging my choice of action. "There is no one here now. Why?"

But I was here and I hated cigarettes.

"You reek of stench, it's making me sick!" The words came out involuntarily and with his eyes going wide I once again realized how much hurtful words I could spout whenever I was irritated and had my explosion.

His bewildered face was pictured in my mind as I turned away and left without another word.

Maybe because his innocent scent of aftershave and cologne was what that was stuck in mind, maybe that's what I expected again from him and reacted because that wasn't the case. I was stupid.

Damn, my stupid outburst.

---
A/n: for the readers hungry for some romance dw. Just look out for the next chapters.

I'm actually determined to complete this book by the end of june. So how bout I do bulk updates?

I've been going on and off with this story like a freaking broken lightbulb. It's just things haven't been the best for me personally and with monsta x too, I'm too emotionally attached to them as my group of idols. So attached that if things happen to em it takes a toll on me as well.

This isn't good honestly. *sighs* anyway, watch kihyun's cover of natural to appreciate art.