it was always you // logince

♡ 18 : a downhill spiral ♡

(a/n: this chapter was written a while ago but the title describes my current state lmao fun anyways im gonna get some sleep?)

*tw; mental health issues, mentions of school shooting*

A week later, Roman was going to his first therapy session as an adult. He was recommended a few different professionals, one including Emile Picani, who Logan saw the information of written down and pointed out that that was his therapist.

Needless to say, his plan was to find his fit, starting with Emile Picani.

When Roman met him, he didn't see anything he should be intimidated by, but he still felt intimidated anyway. This was a man he could possibly share some shit crushed way deep down to.

Thankfully, Dr. Picani's office was very up Roman's alley and homely, and Picani was the human embodiment of cotton candy: sweet, fluffy, and easy to take in. That didn't mean Roman was comfortable. He shifted on the sofa and tapped his heels on the carpeted floor, fidgeting with his hands quite a bit.

Really, the only person he'd gotten close to sharing everything to was Logan. Still though, he hadn't shared everything with Logan.

When the dreaded question of, "So, what's the biggest thing that's been bothering you recently?" came up, Roman almost imploded.

The biggest?

How could he choose just one?

He included vague descriptions in his email to Emile when he first contacted him, so Emile already had a peek into the craziness but...

I called off my wedding with my ex fiancée to be with a man.

I finally accepted to myself that I'm gay.

We still don't have a label on our relationship.

I feel like a burden to him and my other friends.

He decided to choose what he barely brought up. That he'd only mentioned once to the man he trusted most.

"Living is hard. Sometimes I just want to," he sucked in a breath and lowered his voice, "quit."

Not like, die. At least I don't think so.

But just... quit.

~~~

I'm happy that I'm with Logan now even if we haven't made anything official.

I'm happy I'm away from Abigail.

So why am I still in pain?

Because I'm a disappointment, and for some reason I can't believe Logan when he says I'm not.

I thought I accepted that I'm gay, but have I really?

I thought I was past Remus, but am I?

When did I become so lonely?

He was looking for one good thing to happen that day. Just something small that could make him smile. That could take away his pain for even a few minutes.

What he got was a text that sent chills down his spine.

~~~

Logan wondered how everyone would have changed if Roman died during the shooting. Would he be over him? Would he still sob to himself without a trace of sunlight every day?

Roman was at his own house that day and Logan already started to miss him.

Maybe I should text him.

Logan: Hey. How are you now?

Roman: .

Logan: ?

Roman: i cant

Roman: im so

Roman: angry? angry is only one word to describe how im feeling rn

Logan: What happened?

Roman: i don't want to talk to you

Logan: Oh, okay.

The "to you" felt specific to Logan and it made him feel a little embarrassed.

Had he done something wrong he hadn't realized?

Why just to him?

But maybe he was overanalyzing it. Maybe he just meant to anyone.

If I'm not there to help, am I really that important?

And into another depressive spiral Logan went. He was the certified "smart one" yet he couldn't figure out what was bothering Roman, and he couldn't stop imagining the shooting in high school where he would check for Roman's heartbeat but not feel it.

My existence isn't solely for other people, he tried to tell himself.

But hasn't my goal always been to be able to make a positive impact?

If I can't get one thing right, what do I have?

What a joke.

He couldn't think logically when love clouded his thought process. His biggest strength, and he couldn't utilize it.

He hated every bit of this to the point he felt sick to his stomach.

~~~

Remus had been let out of prison, free to roam.

Roman suddenly went cold.