𝕓𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕕-𝕤𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕕 (JJ)

❷❹

★★★

★★★

I went surfing after my blow-up with JJ. I went straight to the beach I used to occupy after fights with Helen, and I surfed to hide from my frustrations. After I decided I was too tired to continue, I sat down in the hut I made years ago, the little driftwood shelter I used to hang out in, and rested.

I use to come here all the time to think about things, but right now I really didn't feel like thinking. Just the thought of thinking was controversial in itself.

I closed my eyes and evidently fell asleep for a little bit, a light breeze bracing through the cracks in the sticks propped up to keep me hidden. When I woke up, the sun was setting, but the beach was quiet and calm. That's what I liked about this area, it was always just for me.

Nobody really came to this area, so I always had an escape if I needed it, which I often did. I suddenly wished JJ was there with me at that moment. I missed his touch, I missed being near him, and I missed how he made me laugh.

I never realized how much I craved intimacy from JJ until I didn't have a choice in the matter. He was mad at me, and as far as he knew, I was mad at him. The funny thing was, though, that I wasn't even that mad anymore. I pitied him, he knew that, but I didn't want to rub it in his face.

I knew he was hurting, and I knew he needed to talk about it. I knew he needed to let it all out because his emotion-bottling mechanism clearly didn't work out for him. I used to bottle it up, and it really led me down a lonely road. I had zero friends for years because I was so afraid the people on Kildare island would shun me for my baggage.

Until I met the Pogues, my life was tiring and wasteful, in my opinion. I thought about running away at one point, stealing money from Helen and leaving for good, going somewhere like New York City, but realistically, I'd make it a day before being homeless.

I didn't have the facilities to live anywhere else but the stupid Outer Banks. It was beautiful here, don't get me wrong, but I outgrew the beauty and now only saw its corruption and social class division. I saw the bad more than any of the good. I had experienced it firsthand.

When I finally decided it was time I got up and headed back to my friends, the sun was almost fully set. There was still a little bit of light, luckily, and I used it to my advantage so I could get home without any struggle for sight.

It was tough navigating the island on foot in the dark, even after living here for so long. I walked along the beat-up road that signaled I was back on the central part of the Cut. My bare feet ached, but I made it back to the Wreck, where I knew Pope and Kie would still be.

I put my board in Pope's truck when I saw them and we all hopped in, planning to go back to the Chateau soon. "Where have you been?" Kie asked, and I shrugged, running a hand through my salt-water soaked hair. "I went surfing, sorry, today was just a little tense for me," I said and she chuckled.