A Dance Of Blades and Hearts

nightmares

It's sad,

how his usually bright eyes stare at me blankly, harshly.

It's sad how I can feel the dagger in my heart, a dagger that he put there.

But the only pain that really hits me is the lack of anything but cold and complete hatred in his eyes, a look that's directed at me.

I'm sorry, I say with my eyes but it's not a language I speak anymore, it's not a language I should expect him to understand and he doesn't,

He just stares back at me, watches me bleed and my heart dies in my chest

He hasn't said one word, just looks at me eyes empty, hands bloodied. But then the knife isn't aimed aimlessly at the ground anymore, it inches closer to his body until I'm scared he's going to hurt himself too, my eyes widen and his remain blank

"n-no" I whisper

unable to get up and he just watches me until the knife is right next to his neck and I shake my head rapidly

"don't, don't do that to yourself, please you can't " I beg in complete fear, voice not sounding like my own

But he ignores me, and cuts his own neck, eyes still cold and empty

Hot tears run down my face, willing my body to move but I can't, watching him helplessly bleed out

This is all my fault

"you did this, you painted me in this colour " he says, life slowly draining from his eyes and I scream.

I jump awake, entire body shaking

I'm soaked in my own sweat,

it was a nightmare, I think trying to control my breathing.

The door to my room bursts open and a wide looking azumi rushes in holding a vase, eyes wide as he looks round the room.

He pauses, taking in my shaking form and I see something flicker in his eyes before he rushes towards me and sits on my bed,

eyes on mine

He takes my hands, they're still shaking so bad and I just look at him, eyes wide and scared

"I thought someone broke in" he says softly and I shake my head rapidly, not trusting my voice enough to speak

"did you have a nightmare? " he asks eyes soft and I nod meekly, choking on a sob again

I don't realize my face is stained with tears until azumi gently wipes them away.

He's looking at me like he's 8 and I'm 6 again, waking up in the middle of the night after our parents died, shaking like a leaf.

Azumi looks so tired, eye bags underneath his eyes and I feel bad instantly.

I had been back for over a week and have only sunk deeper into the hole in my head

I try to hide it when I'm with my brother and Tera, force a smile and act like my heart hasn't been ripped to shreds,

like it doesn't break everytime I think about him, which is all the time.

But even if I fool tera, azumi is my brother and I know he sees right through me,

I've caught worried glances from him which I pretended not to see, but other than that he hasn't done anything about it, and I was grateful.

"do you wanna talk about it? " he asks eyes soft and caring and I shake my head, I don't think I'll ever be ready to talk about it. 

I love my brother but would he really understand? He doesn't say anything and just looks at me for a moment before he smiles alittle

"common, scoot little sis " he says jumping into my bed and I do, grateful for my brother.

Azumi just holds me and plays with my hair like he used to when we were kids and I had nightmares, he repeats the same mantra

"you're safe kia, you're okay "

It doesn't take away the visions of the nightmare and how it felt watching him hurt himself, 

you're the one who hurt him a sad part of my heart repeats

I eventually fall asleep, heart heavy and aching in my chest

You painted me in this colour

"really? "

"yeah, they arrived yesterday "

"wow, I guess it's really over "

I look up from my book at my brother and Tera who are clinging to each other on the gahma next to me and resist the urge to roll my eyes at how cute they look,

I've been back for a month and they are so inlove. It's more than endearing to see and it makes me wonder sometimes if love is meant to be this easy. 

I still think about him everyday, the burden in my chest hasn't gotten any lighter, I've just gotten better at hiding it.

"what are you both talking about? " I ask and they both turn to me, they've both gotten better at hiding their concern too.

Azumi had tried asking about the mission and everything that happened when I got back, but I shut him down, telling him I'd rather not talk about it and he let me be,

but I know he worries, they both do.

It wasn't always easy hiding how empty I feel inside, but the last thing I want to do is make my brother feel responsible for me.

"all our warriors that were dispatched on missions outside the city arrived yesterday, along with war prisoners over the years" he says and I look back at my book, humming in response

"the perian emperor must really mean business, I still can't believe this " tera says and I still, body going rigid

"can't imagine him being a dictator and wanting peace " azumi jokes and I'm clutching the book so tightly my hands turn white

"you think he's secretly planning to attack when everyone's guard is down or something? " tera continues teasingly

"he's not a dictator " I grit out and the room goes silent

they're joking, I know they're playing around

but I also know they know nothing about him and are still caught up in the stupid stereotype I was in before I met him, before I found the best thing that has ever happened to me,

before I lost him.

The familiar feeling of guilt and loss rises in my chest again, Right along to the feeling of longing that intensifies when I see how happy my brother and best friend are, and I'm so incredibly happy for them too, but everything is too much.

I get up suddenly and they both peer at me curiously,

"kiara are you-"

"peachy, just heading in " I say forcing a smile and I try not to cringe at how fake I know it looks

Azumi watches me for a long moment, his eyes are swimming with questions and worry and it kills me that no matter how hard I try I keep bleeding on everyone else, tera watches me eyes wide

"you never head in early kiara, is everything okay? " she asks, eyes big and sincere and I nod, throat burning,

since when was it so hard to talk to my best friend, and my own brother. But it's still so hard to even think about, I don't think I'll ever be ready to talk about it

"I'm fine guys, just tired " I say not meeting their eyes before heading in.

That night I have another nightmare, and my brother is there again, and as he holds me close and I bury my hands in my hair, I realize just how big the part of me I left in peria is.