Thanatology!!

6.0

"Sometimes, I like my food spicy, so I add a bit of lettuce."

"Pimento grilled cheese paper clips for sale! Buy 3,436,785.93 and get one 30% off!!"

"They had the same eyes, once upon a waterfall."

"Life is the slowest, most excruciating death. And yet, I'm sad mine's gone."

"I like feet."

Juno is still screaming as he finally falls before Hal's window.

Hal is unfazed. "Hi, sir. I'm Hal, your Styx Assistant™. Here to stick by you 'til the very end. Which is now. Because you are dead."

The cyclops glances to the window left of him to see his female coworker, who has the ears of a lop-rabbit, the face of a Maltese, the build of a classic operatic soprano, and the eyes of someone who has forgotten how to blink. This is Molly. She is the maid manager, and that is all she has.

Hal sighs and mutters to her. "Molly, do you think—"

"Would you like a break? I could finish your work for you. Could I get you a snack? Tea, perhaps? You can't digest it but pretending tends to feel good, that is, if you're hungry for something else, something a physical vessel could never truly—"

"Please take a vacation."

Hal returns to Juno, who hobbles forward. The man's bent knees shake.

The cyclops sighs. "Are you here to register, sir?"

"Yes? Yes, I think. I think?"

"Clearly, you don't."

"Huh?"

"Paperwork, please."

"Paperwork?"

Hal furrows his unibrow. "You know, what you filled out prior to your death?"

"My suicide note?"

"Huh? Oh, god, no, okay, clearly you didn't do it."

Juno gawks at Hal, who groans and opens a drawer to grab a packet. It is as thick as Juno's stomach. Hal then shoves the papers to Juno. The top paper reads, "AFTERLIFE ADMISSION AND OTHER OTHERSIDE PREREQUISITES."

The cyclops drones on. "Read through this, fill it out, and come back. Or don't. It's fine if you never come back."

Juno flips through the packet as he mopes away. He immediately returns.

Hal grits his tusks. "Aaaand you're back. There's a line, sir."

"Yeah, I know, but, really quick, I just want to clarify something. I have to pay a fee?"

"Do you think you're above multidimensional capitalism or something?"

"Um, no, no, it's just. I have to pay to die?"

"Well, sir, you should've thought twice about killing yourself."

"I did! I didn't even kill myself! I— I..." Juno recalls his death.

Juno flopped on his face, leaving him in an awkward butt-up position.

After a minute of listening to the river hum and Cheron honk the Hearse, Oto pulled up his Scythe. "We just finished."

Cheron kicked open the passenger door and hopped onto the grass. "What do you mean? What were you— Uh..." She stared at the body. "Huh."

Like incense, Juno's milky soul rose from beneath the carcass' face. The vapor formed hands, which patted at itself. The patting turned into grasping and clenching as the chubby torso and legs formed. Finally came the orange eyes, which flashed as the apparition stabilized and, as it did, the eyes fell upon the corpse. Soon after, Juno, the ghost, fell over the body, but his white knees and hands phased through it. In wretched silence, he turned to Cheron and Oto, shaking his head violently. The duo slowly nodded in return. The silence persisted until, unblinking, the ghost uttered a quiet, quivering noise that resembled a fork grating against a plate. After shifting his eyes to Cheron, who shrugged, Oto stepped toward Juno.

"Hey, buddy..."

"I died from tripping over a branch?"

Cheron glanced at the body. "Actually, it looks more like a twig..."

"Why do I have to know this!" Juno cries. "Why am I still conscious?"

Oto tucked his hair behind his ear. "Because we still have to drive you to the nearest liminal portal, then you have to register at the Secretary of Styx office, then our Boss has to evaluate your narrative worth... It's a whole process, really." He watched as Juno assumed the fetal position. "Is it okay if I make a pun?"

Juno held his legs closer. "Kill me."

Returning his attention to the present, Juno closes his eyes and takes his time to open them again. "Look. I can't pay the fee."

Hal is not having it. "Why. Sir."

Juno points to the price on the packet. It reads, "One (1). You know, like, just, One." The text is accompanied by a small dog, the mouth of which curves to be two butt cheeks. "What the— I don't even know what this currency is!"

"Just give me your money so I can convert it! We have technology here!"

Juno flips out his pockets to nothing but lint and forgotten chocolate, ruined by the washing machine. "I don't have my wallet."

"You don't have your wallet? You're supposed to bring that everywhere you go!"

"I was supposed to stop existing! I shouldn't have to deal with this anymore!"

"You think I'm not disappointed with my short end of the Scythe? I shouldn't have to deal with—" A revelatory bell rings in Hal's head. "I have a job offer for you."

☆☆☆

Hoo-boy. This is a looooong one, and I feel very uncertain about... pretty much all of it. But that's the process, I suppose. Anywho, I hope you enjoyed it regardless.

If you did, please leave a vote and add Thanatology!! to your Reading List! Tune in Saturdays and Wednesdays for new chapters. ;-D

And if you like the art, check out my Instagram @3uttdog! I'll be posting a lot of character art there hehe~

Oh, also!!! I plan on adding illustrations to this story. Do you think it could do with some more pizzazz? Yay? Nay? Is anyone reading this right now? How has your day been? Are we preordained or do we have free will? Is it Maybelline? Is it, really?

Until next time!