Phan (Trigger Warning)

16 - (Dan)

DANS PoV

"Do you want to talk about anything?" I really hope Phil feels comfortable enough with me that he can open up to me, at least a little bit. It is really obvious that there is something wrong, I may not know what that something is but maybe he will tell me. I look up at him and try to see what he is thinking, by the looks of it not much? I don't know if he is going to answer me that easily. I slowly turn my body around so I am facing Phil a bit better, I bring my legs up and sit cross legged on the sofa. While this isn't the most comfortable position it is still way more comfortable than sitting in the bathroom and I can look directly at Phil, well I could if he was sitting in the same position that I am. Maybe I could make him turn around, how could I do that in the nicest possible way? I put my hand on the knee that is closest to me and I gently pull it, hoping that he gets the hint. He looks up from his hands at me and the look on his face nearly breaks my heart, it's not because he is crying or anything it just looks like he is void from any emotion at all and his eyes look like they could belong in a person that has been dead for days. Even with in mind that his eyes look incredibly dull they still have so many different colours in them and I can just see myself getting lost in them for ages, I try to avoid that at this time though as there is way more important things that I need to be paying attention to. I blink a couple of times trying to pull myself away from Phils eyes and pay attention to the rest of him, he is still sitting in the same slightly awkward position as when we sat down. I put my free hand on his other knee and gently pull them in the direction that they need to go, to be mirroring my position. Phil slowly squirms his way into sitting cross legged on the couch, I put my hands back on his knees and just rub them with my thumbs reassuringly before I speak up again.

"Please talk to me Phil" I say with not a single ounce of anything negative in my voice, I really am only here because I want to help him and be his friend. All Phil does is shrug his shoulders slightly and starts playing with his fingers on his lap. I really want to hold his hands, not his knees, I think that would be way more reassuring and maybe make him feel a bit safer but I can't just put my hands that close to his that area. I slowly raise my hands from his knees and take them up to his shoulders, when I place them there I give another gentle squeeze and slowly bring them down, while keeping an eye on Phils reaction. I get to about his elbows and the look on his face changes dramatically, he looks like he has seen a ghost or something, he looks sort of terrified or along those lines at least. I hope I didn't do anything wrong.

"Is this ok?" I ask him, in a voice so quiet I'm surprised when he actually nods. I only want to reassure him so I continue to bring my hands down and when I get to half way between his wrist and elbow I bring my hands to the under side of his arm so that I can grab his hands when I get there. However with this small movement Phil visibly flinches, and I'm not talking about one of those small jump scare type ones I'm talking he nearly jumped off the couch flinches. I start to panic is it something I did? It had to be, nothing else happened in the what? Ten seconds between when he said it was ok to him practically jumping off the couch. I can feel my breathing getting a bit heavier and worry is flooding through my body when I look up and see Phil cradling his left arm.

"Did I hurt you?" I practically blurt out before I even think if it is rude to ask him or try to read his face. He looks up from his arm with tears in his eyes, I can't tell if they are from pain or from shock, I really am bad at this, all I seem to be able to do is make him cry.

"Give me your arm" I motion towards it,

"I can help if you want me to, I promise I will be gentle" I try to smile reassuringly at him but I don't know how well it works, I feel horrible for putting Phil through all of this.

"I can't, you don't want to" Phil chokes out.

"I do want to, please Phil? I just want to help" I slowly, again slowly I'm doing a lot of things slowly and it isn't helping anything, reach out and hold his hand. Phil looks me in the eyes, his full of tears and trying to plead with me.

"It will be ok, I promise" I say quietly as I pull his arm towards me.

"Where does it hurt?" I ask him as I rub my hand up the top of his arm, which is covered with his top, this would be a lot easier if I rolled it up. I move my hand back down to the bottom of his sleeve so I can roll it up, I hold his hand in my right one and with my left I gently grab his sleeve and start to move it.

"You really don't want to do that" Phil quickly says as his right hand comes up to my left one, stopping me from moving anymore.

"If I hurt you or if you hit your arm on something when I made you jump it's all my fault and I honestly really do want to help" I reassure him once more, he looks into my eyes for a few seconds before looking back down and slowly moving his hand away. I take this as an 'it's ok' and I start to move his sleeve up his arm, I only get a few centimetres away from his wrist when I see the reason he didn't want me to do this. There are cuts, which look quite fresh not still bleeding fresh but sometime in last last couple of days fresh? I have no idea I'm no pro at cuts and scars and OMG wait. It suddenly clicks, these are cuts, as in CUTS, as in someone did this on purpose. A million thoughts start rushing through my brain as everything starts to click into place,

'Phil did it on purpose...'

'Phil cuts...'

'Phil is a cutter...'

'What do I do?'

'What do I say?'

'I've never known someone that does this before'

'How can I help?'

'Can I help?'

I am brought out of my thoughts by Phils voice,

"I'm sorry, I can leave now" I look at him sort of shocked, there is no way in hell he is leaving.

"No" I sort of shout, I didn't mean to that's just how it came out,

"I mean, no, I don't want you to leave" I say at a more appropriate level. I look back down at Phils arm and realise why I was doing this in the first place.

"Did I hurt one of them?" I ask unsure and really worried that I made something worse. Looking up at Phil I think I can see embarrassment or guilt coming across his face as he tries to hide behind his fringe. Paying close attention to what I am doing, and careful not to make anything worse, I bring his sleeve even further up his arm, trying to ignore all of the cuts and scars, when I see a bit of tissue? Oh no... I have a quick glance up at Phil, please say he didn't. I place my hand over the bit of tissue and slowly lift it off of his skin to reveal a still open cut, I can feel my jaw drop and my eyes start to water. I have no idea what to do, just seeing the older cuts and scars was a lot, I have never been in a situation like this before and it is really making me feel afraid and anxious and confused and sad and all of those negative emotions. What do I do? I was so not prepared for this.

After I finish having a small internal freak out, with Phil just sitting there with tears running down his face, wait when did that happen? it's not important now, I pull myself together and work out the best first move.

"We should put a proper band aid or something on this" I let Phil know my intentions, as I get up off the couch.

"Wait here I'll be right back" I tell Phil, so he doesn't think I just randomly left him.

I arrive back to Phil, with a few band aids, who is still in the same position looking at his lap with his right hand trying to cover his cuts. I sit down, where I was before, take Phils hand and place it on my knee before I try to do anything.

"Don't worry, it's ok" I'm not too sure who I'm trying to reassure, Phil or myself. I could only find normal sized band aids so I'm going to have to get a bit crafty with my application. I unwrap one and measure it against Phils cuts to see if the sticky bit is going to go over anything open, it doesn't look like it will so that will make it a lot easier. These bandaids don't have sticky bits along the side of the pad so I can just stick as many as I need along the cuts.

I manage to put on all the band aids I need without too much trouble and I look up to see Phil just staring at me. I try to process what just happened and say something to reassure Phil but I think I am in shock and I have just been on auto pilot since I saw his arm.

AN
I feel like this is an awkward spot to stop but I also feel like I am just rambling on and on so yeah... I think I also want to do the actual conversation in Phils PoV. I hope everyone is enjoying this and like always if anyone wants to talk I am here :) and if you have any feedback that would be cool... That is all :) lol