Phan (Trigger Warning)

25 - (Phil)

*AN POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING??
So I'm not sure but this might be triggering for like panic attacks/anxiety attacks... I'm not too sure. I will put in at the point just before it gets sorta detailed?? so anyone that wants it has it there...
I really don't know if it is but I did have to stop writing a few times cause I was getting really anxious and I don't know if that's just from my mind thinking about what to write or what but I really don't want to make any of you guys feel like that so please don't read the part of you think it will affect you negatively
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PHILS PoV

I haven't really seen or heard from Dan in a few days, although admittedly I could have been trying harder to try and contact him but after the other day, with him pretty much walking in on me cutting myself, I just I don't know if I am ready to face him. To be honest this whole weekend has been sort of a bad one, just seriously how could I do that when I knew Dan would be right back but it always seems like a good idea, great even, at the time, which is why I am currently covered in what is way more than an acceptable amount of freshly made cuts. Technically anymore than a few, accidental, cuts people would start to question as an acceptable amount, I however have come to an executive decision that an acceptable amount of cuts for me would be about five or so roughly every week. Naturally this number had come about from a crazy amount of internal debate about wether that was enough if I'm having a particularly bad week and, at the time, it seemed to be doable especially now that I have Dan on my side. However that number has slightly gone out the window, crossed the road ran all the way to some type of cliff hanging over the ocean, jumped off and then swam all the way to Australia, or something like that. Either way I don't know if I am going to be able to face Dan and tell him what I have done, as he has said multiple times he knows I'm going to 'screw up' every now and again as long as I tell him and we can work through it together.

Thinking about it, whenever Dan knows that I've cut myself in the past, or if he even suspects it, he usually won't leave me alone and makes sure I'm ok but this time he just left me. He left me all on my own and he had no idea what I could have done, he still doesn't have any idea because I haven't talked to him since he dropped me home, for all he knows I could be dead and he doesn't even care. Maybe I'm finally starting to rub off on him and he is seeing what I can see, what I have known to be true for years now, what I really am and what a useless and pathetic attempt at a person I am. Maybe he has just given up hope, realised that there is no use in trying to help me because I'm not worth saving or there's no hope at saving me. Maybe he got bored with all my silly attempts at trying to be a friend and went back to Chris and PJ, who admittedly seem like they would be a lot more fun than I ever could be.

No matter what the reason is I don't know if I can face him at school today and if I do see him what do I do? Do I act like I don't know him and just let him get back to his normal life? Do I try avoiding him? Do we smile and nod at each other? Do I say hi to him? I feel like not that one, anything that I would say to him is going to be hella awkward (AN I've been saying that a lot recently, I don't know where I got it from but hey...) and he is just going to hate me even more. Maybe I could have the day off of school today and just sleep or something, that really does sound like a good idea, maybe even catch up on some TV or video games.

Settling on the idea of skipping school, because let's be honest it's not like anyone really pays attention in class, I slow down my pacing, which is pretty much all I do when I'm stressed and not cutting. Grumbling to myself I make my way back to the comfort of my own bed, who needs school anyways? Who needs anything in life? School, good grades, friends, any sort of social life, a clean wrist, a future, I am clearly failing in all of those areas so what's the point in even trying anymore.

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AN this is the part... If you want to skip all the detailed bits go to the next stars?
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