Phan (Trigger Warning)

24 - (Dan)

DANS PoV

As I remain motionless on my bed, with my face pressed firmly into the pillow, I let my mind wander to what, more or less, just happened. I can't believe Phil cut himself when I was right there, well I wasn't right there that's why he did it, it's all my fault, if I hadn't of taken so long getting water or if I hadn't have left him at all he wouldn't have done it. He was doing so well, with not cutting, its been a while since the last time. Even though my eyes are firmly closed and pushed against my pillow I can feel tears slowly starting to push their way out and into my pillow, my throat starts to tighten and my stomach seems to drop about 50 feet even though I'm not moving.

Is this how Phil felt? And I wasn't there for him? How could I be such a bad person?

As the tears start to speed up I start squirming around on my bed not being able to stay still while I am feeling like this,

"I hate this" I say as I push myself up away from my bed, in a lame attempt of a push up, and bring myself up into the 'downward facing dog' or some stupid yoga position like that.

"UGHHH" I let out a load groan as I rest my head back onto my pillow and start clenching at my hair. How could I leave Phil all alone of this is how he felt? Why am I such a bad person? What am I supposed to do with my life if I can't even be there for one person when they need me? And I just left him? What if he needs me right now and I'm not there? I'm such a horrible person. With that I let out yet another loud sob and slowly open my eyes, which instantly to start to sting.

I get nearly entranced by my tears as I focus on the way I can feel them welling up and the way that some fall straight from my eyes yet others roll down to the tip of my nose before falling off my face completely and smash into a million tiny little droplets. With each one that hits the bed I give myself another insult or criticism until my eyesight gets too blurry and they are falling too fast to keep up anyway.

Sitting up straight onto my feet I bring up the hem of my shirt and start trying to wipe away all of the tears, to no avail. Deciding that it is of no use I fall back awkwardly, while still having my feet firmly under me. As soon as I do this however I realise why it isn't common for people to just chill like this, as it is extremely uncomfortable for my very inflexible person. Squirming onto my side, so I can untuck my legs, I feel something push into my leg.

"The f*ck is that?" I complain, as I stand up so I can fit my hand into my pocket to retrieve whatever is in it. Thrusting my hand into my pocket I wrap it around the object and bring it out in front of me, I immediately recognise the object, it's a scalpel. It's the scalpel that Phil cut himself with today, I remember putting it in my pocket as we were cleaning up to make sure that Phil didn't sneak it away with him.

I sit down, on the edge of my bed, and I start playing with it and gently poking the sharp end with my finger and something just clicks, not necessarily a good thing but it just makes sense, this is what I have to do. I take my right hand away from the scalpel and rest it on my legs, is this what Phil does? Sit alone in his room crying, contemplating whether he should cut or does he just do it? It must help in some way if he does it at all. With tears still streaking my cheeks and there seeming to be no intention of them stopping anytime soon I make what, at the moment, seems like the only rational decision.

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AN
I'm soooo sorry...
But TRIGGER WARNING :'(
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I position the scalpel in my left hand, ready to experience what Phil has been experiencing for years, for the first time in my life. Blinking away the fresh tears, trying to get some sort of vision back, I bring the scalpel down to the middle of my arm and take a deep breath in. Not completely sure what I'm doing I press down on the scalpel and slowly drag it across my skin. It doesn't take long before the physical pain gets, what seems like, too much for me and I am pulling the scalpel away from my arm. Wiping at my eyes I look closely at my arm and I have only managed to make a small cut, no longer than a couple of centimetres and not even deep enough to draw blood. I really have no idea what seems to be possessing me at this point, I assume that it is a mixture of the fact that Phil does this and it apparently helps him and me not being in any type of a rational mind set, but I bring the scalpel back to my skin and make another cut. The second cut is about twice as long as the first, even though it caused the same, if not more, amount of pain something about this time just made me go longer. Looking at the cuts the new one has a single small bead of blood starting to form, it wouldn't even be the size of, well anything it's tiny, but there is blood coming from this one and something about that gives me a soothing feeling.

Before I even know what I am doing there is now 4 cuts on my forearm, admittedly you probably wouldn't even notice them unless you are looking close enough but there are there. I just stare blankly at these things on my arm, which have apparently helped in some way as I'm hardly crying anymore, when it really sets in what I have just done. Throwing the scalpel across the room I get up quickly and start pacing the length of my bedroom, stopping every now and then only to kick something.

"How the f*ck could I do this?"

"How the f*ck could I do this when I've been telling Phil to stop all this time"

"I can't let him know"

"F*ck f*ck F*CK"

"Phil is going to be so mad if he finds out" I just keep grumbling everything that is on my mind, not in any type of mood to be trying to censor anything that I am saying.

After keeping this up for, what seems like, hours I give my bed one last kick before collapsing in it and essentially giving up on the rest of the day.

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AN
Umm... Hi??
I'm soo sorry but this is something that I wanted to include in this story since before I started writing it and I'm just soo sorry :'(
So umm... How has everyone been?? I hope you are all ok :)
What do you guys think of this chapter?? It is a bit shorter than the others but this is all I really wanted in this one so yeah...
Sorry <3
Have I ever actually had a thing I ended these notes on? I feel like I should have a thing, I sorta liked the have a good day/night/life?? I don't know but see you next time XP and if anyone needs to talk I am here <3
Umm bye?? I don't know...
Also.. these chapters have been getting like 100 reads in a day and I remember when I first hit 100 reads total and omg I can't explain how happy that makes me and how much it means to me that each and everyone of you reads this and just yeah it really does mean so much that you are continuing to read this even though my updates are quite irregular...
That is all this time.. thanks and Byee <3