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Twenty Three

"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."

-Margaret Thatcher

You need people in your life who make your world bigger. People who inspire you to be the best version of yourself. The kind that takes each day and strives to make it better than the last. You also need people who have the ability to sit on every last one of your nerves. The kind of person who's glass is always half full to the point you want to yell who cares just drink it anyway.

You need both because you need balance. But getting both in rapid succession feels like a devil and angel sitting on each shoulder. Who do you give your energy to?  Is what you choose to feed a reflection of who you are?

Thinking back to these pivotal moments I can't help but question who I am and if I gave energy to the right outlet.

Finn is my utopia, it is natural I want to give the best parts of me to him "Are you sure you're ok with this? You weren't exactly too vocal the other night when I said I was going to do this." I was whispering into the phone so that I wouldn't wake my mom.

Finn cleared his throat, the scratchy sound was pleasing to my ears as I pulled my sheets up closer to my neck. "Can I be honest with you?"

The comforting feeling i had when i first got on the phone was slowly shifting to unease. The guys and I had planned for 'Goddess Rayne' aka me to make my debut tomorrow night. The more we talked about it the more confidence I was building, I was actually excited for my first cam show. "Yes." By yes I fully meant I wanted him to lie to me if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

"I'm not exactly thrilled about all of this. I understand how this whole situation has made you feel and the thrill of snatching your power back is appealing. I'm not telling you not to do it, and I'm not going to be mad if you do. I would just like it if you didn't." Finn paused to take a deep breath, however it felt like the pause in conversation was to cement down his true feelings. "But I'm here for you either way."

I have perfect hearing so I know what his mouth said, but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. Then comes the question of what is more important, standing up for what I believe in or making sure the male ego of my boyfriend isn't wounded.

I chose my happiness weeks ago after talking to my mom, and I'm going to keep choosing me. "Well, thanks for being honest with me. I'm sorry there isn't much I can do to ease your anxiety around it, Finn, but I'm going to d o this."

There was a moment of silence dancing heavily between us. "I figured as much. Goodnight Ry." He stayed on the line long enough for me to say it back then proceeded to hang up. I sat back on my bed content with my decision but still feeling a rush of nerves worrying about what the aftermath would bring.

Would this be a one time show? Would this lead to an aftermath of stripping for the camera and hiding it from my family? Just because Finn says he's ok with it now, would that ring true come tomorrow night?

One day at a time.

When I woke up the next morning I sent a group text to the guys. My mom had given me my phone back the day before because she felt bad for me.

So it's D day guys. The plan is on. August set it in motion.

-Beckett

The plan was simple. August would send out a text announcing a "sweet show" tonight with a link to my web page. We decided August would be the best for the job to inform everyone because not only did he have the phone numbers for half the students but he was a reliable source. So if information was coming from him it was more likely to be true than a rumor.