Viral

Nine

Sticks and stones may break our bones but words will break our hearts

-Robert Fulghum

Have you ever stepped into a room and the world stops? There's a dry feeling that erupts in the pit of your stomach and all the air feels like it's been sucked out of your lungs. Every lip seals as every eye snaps in your direction. Sizing you up and evaluating your every move before a choir of whispers rumble through the air like thunder before a lightning strike. All the hairs that live on the nape of your neck stand on end and despite knowing you're supposed to get down and out of dodge your spine becomes erect and your ears feel like they've been kicked into overdrive just so you can hear the satisfying sound of electricity slicing through the air around you.

Has that ever happened to you?

Have you ever had eyes pour into you and over you until your skin crawls?

It's been happening all day. A nonstop cycle of trying to will my skin into becoming impenetrable so that words couldn't slice through.

I had stood between Marcus and Finn for an extra 30 minutes in front of the school. Finn's nervous jitters are what got us out of the car, but I couldn't just walk in during the middle of a class. I was trying to fade into the background not walk in late and have all eyes on me. We came to the joint decision to wait until the first class let out then to blend into the crowded hallways.

Which at the time sounded like a comforting idea until I realized I wouldn't have classes with my bodyguards until midday. I decided to throw that thought away and worry about it when the time came.

Ironically... that was instantly.

When the bell rang Finn put his phone in his pocket and pushed the side door of the school open so we can slide in without much notice. I had opted for an oversized hoodie and sweatpants so that I could hide inside of myself. Before stepping into the school, I gave a silent prayer that my clothing would swallow me whole and no one would know I existed. Marcus and Finn were like pillars blocking out those around me, but it didn't take long for people to notice I was behind them. I could feel eyes undressing me. Judging me. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be dissected. To have every piece of you so open. So exposed.

Silence hung in the air around us and I could see the side of Marcus's jaw flinch. Almost like he was preparing for an inevitable war. Marcus and Finn stood on the frontlines of battle, unfortunately the first attack came from the rear.

"Damn Beckett, why cover it now? May as well continue the show." I felt his grimy hands grab at my butt and instinctively I turned on the balls of me feet and smacked his hand away.

In my silence I had forgotten my voice. Not again. Not ever again. "Don't fucking touch me!" The words came out with such aggression I hoped he would drown in the venom dripping from my lips.

I felt Marcus guide me behind him at the same time Finn pushed the guy. I had never seen him before, yet he knew my name, my face, my body. I felt a wave of disgust wash over me and unfortunately watching Finn aggressively push him away didn't make me feel any better.

Marcus put his arm around my shoulder as if it was an impenetrable force field for the bullshit coming my way. That's when the names started. Words like bullets piercing through me. How many times can you be called a name before you believe it. Once? Twice? One hundred times? Does it have to come from someone you know or from a thousand voices you don't before you marry the name and make it your truth?

Am I a hoe? A slut? Should I wear a scarlet letter so I could watch out for myself, for the world to watch out for me.

There was a shoving match going on between Finn and the faceless guy but at that point their words were drowning in the conversations happening around me. Then magically everything stopped.